Establishing clear, consistent rules is fundamental to good parenting. Kids need structure to feel secure in their environment, learn the importance of boundaries, and understand which behaviors are appropriate. When applied in excess, however, rules can be counterproductive; while authoritative parenting is associated with a range of developmental benefits, controlling parenting can cause emotional and psychological harm. Knowing the difference between these two parenting styles – and giving children practical ways to empower themselves – is therefore crucial to raising healthy, happy kids.
What’s the Difference Between Structured Parenting and Controlling Parenting?
Structured parenting involves giving kids safe, sensible parameters to operate within. Authoritative parents focus on preventing their children from taking unnecessary risks or engaging in counterproductive behaviours while still allowing them to explore and express themselves. These parents also engage in open discussions about limit-setting, actively encouraging their children to participate in the process of creating rules. Experts agree that this approach to parenting supports the development of healthy autonomy, as it neither stifles children nor protects them from the consequences of their actions.
Controlling parents, by contrast, use rules to reinforce parental authority and restrict normal childhood behaviour. Controlling parents typically give their children little to no say in household structure, and some even refuse to explain the reasoning behind the limits they set. They may also pressure their children into actions and pursuits (e.g., extracurricular activities) that don’t align with their interests, preferences, or temperament. When the children of authoritarian parents attempt to stand up for themselves, they often receive harsh (or even corporal) punishment. Instead of learning how to behave appropriately, these children must focus on learning how to please their parents.
Why is Controlling Parenting Bad For Kids?
Controlling parenting is harmful because it interferes with normal development. When kids don’t have the freedom to explore who they are or take measured risks, their confidence and sense of identity ultimately suffers. As a result, children with controlling parents have a higher risk of experiencing anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues.
Overly strict parenting is also associated with behaviour and conduct problems. When a parent controls every aspect of a child’s life, the child never learns how to regulate their own emotions or independently handle responsibility. These deficits can lead to impaired impulse control and a propensity for reactive behaviour (e.g., responding to any form of adult authority by panicking and “shutting down” or by acting out). Children in this position rarely intend to rebel; however, excess parental pressure eventually triggers their fight-or-flight response, leading to irrational behaviour.
As a parent, it’s important to realize that controlling parenting often stems from good intentions rather than anger or a desire to intimidate one’s children. Most authoritarian parents are driven by their own fears and worries, and they operate out of a desire to protect their children from danger. For instance, research shows that parents who struggle with poverty or live in unsafe neighbourhoods are more likely to use controlling parenting techniques. Having a stressful career, dysfunctional marital relationship, or unstable living situation can also limit a parent’s ability to empathize with his (or her) children and set fair, reasonable rules.
Alternately, some parents’ controlling attitudes reflect their own life experiences. A parent who grew up in a very tough, competitive environment will often feel the need to harden his children against similar threats. More rarely, parents’ authoritarian tendencies are driven by poor self-esteem. A parent who feels like he has failed in life may pressure his children to perform to ensure they become successful and enjoy a higher quality of life.
In some cases, children themselves contribute to their parents’ perceived need for control. Research suggests that the parents of demanding or unruly children are more likely to use harsh discipline because they believe it’s necessary to change their child’s behaviour. Once again, economically disadvantaged families are more likely to experience this situation because they often lack the resources required to diagnose and treat learning disabilities, conduct disorders, and other conditions that contribute to challenging behaviour.
Unfortunately, overbearing parenting is damaging for kids regardless of their family’s socioeconomic status, belief system, or the area in which they live. In fact, children coping with neighbourhood crime, parental stress, or other forms of instability have an elevated need for the confidence and autonomy produced by structured parenting. Studies show that children who live in dangerous neighbourhoods, for example, have a higher risk of developing anxiety and depression in response to authoritarian parenting.
How Can Parents Shift from Controlling Parenting to Structured Parenting?
For most parents, the first step to changing a controlling parenting style involves recognizing the emotional triggers that drive it. Parents may need to work with an objective third party (such as a family therapist) to identify the sources of their anxiety and outline what they hope to achieve by using harsh discipline. From there, they can learn how to protect and encourage their children without hindering their cognitive and emotional growth.
Another key aspect of making the transition to structured parenting lies in understanding the power of intrinsic motivation: Most parents, including controlling parents, realize the value of raising independent kids. However, strict parents are often unsure of how to guide their children without using forceful tactics because they don’t know how else to inspire constructive behaviour. For these parents, learning how to tap into kids’ innate willingness to aid the functioning of the family and pursue personal goals is crucial to shifting to a more balanced approach.
To encourage kids to act out of intrinsic motivation, parents should start by stepping back and no longer excessively praising or rewarding their children for doing things they already love to do. If a child loves playing basketball, for example, her parents should support her when she experiences a setback, but otherwise, let her play without pressuring her or over-emphasizing her talents. (Both of these actions can place unrealistic expectations on kids, which reduces their desire to engage in an activity and increases their fear of failure.)
With activities that kids don’t naturally enjoy doing, parents should acknowledge their child’s feelings while also explaining why those activities are necessary. For example, a parent might use the following rationale to illustrate why it’s important to maintain a tidy room: “I know you don’t like having to clean on weekends, but you need to keep your room neat. If you don’t, someone could trip over your toys, and your things could get lost or broken.” Then, to help the child gain a sense of mastery over the process (rather than feeling forced to do chores), parents can try offering a choice; e.g., “Would you rather tidy up your room after school, so you have your whole weekend free?”
If the child chooses to clean her room on a weeknight, not only will she feel a greater sense of control over her own time, she will have independently established a system of consequence and reward. She’ll know that the outcome of failing to clean her room after school is losing part of her weekend, and the benefit of completing the task on schedule is having more free time. As such, she’ll naturally feel compelled to follow through and get the job done.
When provided with clear structure and reasonable choices, most children realize the advantages of behaving appropriately – even if they occasionally test their limits. What’s more, they learn to act from a sense of duty, compassion, and teamwork, rather than fear. Ultimately, this outlook builds healthier children, families, and communities.
