Have you ever wondered why some kids are more prone to tantrums than others? Or why some children control their impulses with relative ease, while others struggle to restrain inappropriate comments and behaviour? How is it that two equally intelligent kids sometimes demonstrate such marked differences in their ability to plan, stay on track, and overcome frustration?
Though we often attribute these variances in behaviour to temperament or intentional choices on the child’s part, the ability to self-govern actually arises from a set of teachable skills. Known as self-regulation skills, these intertwined aptitudes allow kids to manage their thoughts and feelings in a way that facilitates constructive, goal-oriented behaviour.
Why is Self-Regulation So Important?
The benefits of self-regulation extend far beyond making a child easier to parent. Research shows that children who can manage their impulses and feelings perform better at school, because they experience less anxiety during tests and they’re better at focusing in distracting environments. Some studies have also demonstrated a link between behavioural regulation and improved early literacy and communication skills.
The ability to remain calm and behave appropriately helps kids excel in social situations, too: Kids with excellent self-regulation skills tend to make new friends easily, have fewer conflicts, and function well in teams. These kids are more resistant to peer pressure and less likely engage in risky behaviour (as compared to kids with poor impulse control), which allows them to enjoy greater social freedom as they enter adolescence. This combination of confident independence and defined boundaries contributes to the development of a strong sense of identity and robust self-esteem, in addition to making kids less susceptible to bullying.
Even in solitary settings, self-regulation skills confer numerous advantages. Being able to overcome frustration gives kids the persistence and resilience they need to pursue their interests with single-minded determination. Self-discipline also plays a key role in maintaining physical health: Individuals who can control their impulses and manage their time well are more likely to eat a nutritious diet, exercise regularly, and find constructive ways to handle stress.
Improving your child’s ability to self-regulate is one of the most powerful strategies you can use to build his confidence and improve his physical and emotional well-being. Regardless of how your child chooses to direct his energy, mastering self-regulation skills will pave the way for a successful, meaningful adult life.
5 Ways to Improve Your Child’s Self-Regulation Skills
1. Provide a caring, secure environment for your child.
Over 50 studies have demonstrated a link between chronic stress in childhood and poor self-regulation skills. Conversely, warm, responsive parenting and the provision of a safe home environment is associated with increased frustration tolerance, better impulse control, and more goal-oriented, collaborative behaviour. Researchers believe this link exists because children with secure, nurturing homes feel more confident to explore the world around them, practice new skills, and make mistakes. They also know they’ll be supported during times of stress, which makes it easier for them to manage upsetting situations without resorting to reactive “fight or flight” behaviour. Instead, they can use planning and rational problem-solving to overcome obstacles.
To create a secure environment for your child, give him a predictable daily schedule and simple, consistent rules to follow. Respond to his needs and desires with consideration and respect, even when his behaviour is challenging and requires correction. Using empathetic communication techniques will strengthen your child’s trust in you and facilitate better self-insight.
The behaviour you exhibit in front of your child also contributes heavily to his emotional development. Don’t yell at your child or argue with other family members when your child is present, and try to shelter him from adult problems (e.g., marital and financial challenges) whenever possible. You should also work on your own ability to manage stress, if necessary, both to prevent your child from picking up on your anxiety and to make sure you model healthy coping skills for him. If you set a good example for your child, he’ll learn a lot about self-regulation simply from observing you.
2. Start emphasizing goal-oriented, socially considerate behaviour early in life.
Though giving your child rules and guidelines is an essential part of building good character, to really master the art of self-regulation, your child needs to know why he’s being asked to control his impulses. When you give your child guidance, try to share the “big picture” with him so he understands the goals you want him to work towards. For example, when you’re teaching your toddler not to grab things, explain that we don’t take items from others without asking because we want to get along with them. When you’re teaching your child not to interrupt, explain that listening to a person’s complete thought is the only way to understand them properly. Your child should be taught that his feelings and impulses aren’t bad or wrong, but finding the right time and place to express them ensures we can live in harmony with others.
3. Give your child actionable strategies to help him self-regulate.
Young children have a very hard time controlling their impulses, even when they genuinely want to. This is the case because the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for judgment, impulse control, emotional regulation, and planning) is very poorly developed in children under four years of age. Kids in this age group need to be given specific techniques to manage their behaviour so they can form the neural connections required for self-control. Likewise, you should expect to initially “co-regulate” with your toddler, rather than simply telling him what not to do.
When you see your child struggling to control his behaviour, empathize with how difficult it is to wait, take turns, etc. (Taking a soft approach will calm your child and help him recognize the emotions he’s feeling.) Then, devise simple strategies he can use to cope with these challenging situations. For example, if your child is having a hard time waiting for his meal, you can try playing a simple game, like “I Spy.” This exercise will teach him how to slow down and engage with the world around him while he waits, rather than fixating on the thing he wants.
Giving your child readily recognizable cues can also help him regulate his behaviour. As your child begins to learn how to share, for instance, setting a timer will let him know precisely when his turn begins and ends. Similarly, when you start teaching your child not to interrupt, you can use a specific gesture to signal when he’s talking out of turn.
4. Let your child make choices from an early age.
Because very young children need a lot of assistance, it’s easy to slip into the habit of doing everything for them: Dressing them, deciding what they’ll eat for dinner, planning their day for them, and so on. However, while it’s true that toddlers need a lot of structure, it’s equally important to start giving kids age-appropriate choices as soon as they’re old enough to express themselves verbally. Learning how to plan and make independent decisions will improve your child’s problem-solving skills and strengthen his executive functions during his most critical period of brain development. (Kids learn more rapidly during their first few years of life than at any other time.)
To build these skills without confusing or overwhelming your child, begin offering him simple “either/or” choices once he reaches 18-24 months of age. E.g., “Would you like to wear your red shoes or your blue shoes today?”; “Would you prefer to have broccoli or carrots with dinner?” By around four years of age, your child should be ready to plan basic activities on his own and choose between multiple options.
5. Make learning self-regulation skills fun.
Mastering self-regulation takes a lot of practice, so it’s essential to keep your child engaged in the learning process. One of the best ways to do this is through play: Games naturally challenge kids to plan, control their impulses, and work towards a predetermined goal. For young children, simple games that emphasize waiting and performing specific actions on cue, like “Simon Says,” are usually the most effective at improving self-regulation skills. For older children, try board games and card games that involve memorizing rules and thinking strategically.
In addition to games, reward systems can teach kids the advantages of deferring gratification. Reward good behaviour with tokens that your child can exchange for privileges, such as a trip to the park or a meal at his favourite restaurant. Give your child a choice between exchanging a few tokens for a small reward, or saving up his tokens for a larger reward. This way, he’ll learn the value of resisting temptation in order to achieve a more satisfying goal.
What if Your Child Still Struggles with Self-Regulation?
All children can sharpen their self-regulation skills with practice, but some kids face particular challenges in this area. If your child consistently struggles to manage his feelings and impulses despite patient guidance, a learning disability or developmental disorder may be hindering his progress. Consider talking to a medical professional about your child’s difficulties if you notice any of the following issues:
- Your child has significantly more tantrums than other kids his age, or he exhibits behaviours typical of a much younger child.
- Your child’s behaviour is becoming more difficult or risky as he gets older.
- You know your child is intelligent, but his grades never seem to reflect his level of ability.
- Your child is becoming more socially withdrawn over time, or more prone to conflict with peers.
- Your child’s communication and social skills aren’t developing properly, despite adequate socialization.
A psychologist can identify what’s causing your child’s delays and recommend specific interventions (e.g., behavioural, occupational, or speech therapy) to help him overcome his weaknesses and leverage his strengths.
By starting treatment early, you’ll give your child ample time to learn how to self-regulate within the framework of his individual needs. You’ll also be able to set your expectations to match his capabilities: Some learning disabilities, like ADHD, can delay the development of the prefrontal cortex by several years, significantly hindering the advancement of executive functioning skills. It’s vital to understand and respect your child’s individual learning trajectory to protect his self-esteem, and to prevent frustration and resentment on both sides. Along with therapy, maintaining a positive, nurturing dynamic at home is the best way to show your special needs child the value of self-regulation.
