Having an imaginary friend is a normal, healthy part of most kids’ development. Studies show that up to 60 percent of children between the ages of three and eight will invent an imaginary companion at some point. Some imaginary friends are completely incorporeal beings, while others are personified by physical objects, such as a favourite stuffed animal or doll. Regardless of what type of imaginary friend your son or daughter has, the interactions your child has with her invisible companion can teach you a lot about her development. Through your child’s imaginary friend, you can assess how she feels about her relationships, and what she knows (or doesn’t know) about interpersonal communication.
Why Do Kids Invent Imaginary Friends?
Most kids initially develop imaginary companions because they’re fun to experiment with. At the same time, however, they use imaginary friends to simulate real-life interactions, in order to deepen their understanding of relationships. Preschool-aged kids (the group most likely to develop imaginary friends) have only just begun to see themselves as fully separate from their parents, so they’re still working on developing an independent “voice” in their relationships. They’re also typically engaged in making their own friends for the first time. By using an imaginary friend to model relationships, small children can figure out social dynamics in a safe setting. They can learn to differentiate peer friendships from the kind of relationships they have with family members, teachers, etc.
Far from being a negative or worrying phenomenon, imaginary friends usually offer multiple and significant benefits to their young creators. In addition to being a great learning tool, they give sociable kids someone they can talk to whenever they wish to have a conversation. (In fact, research suggests that kids with imaginary friends tend to be more socially outgoing.) Imaginary friendships also serve the function of supporting your child’s self-esteem by giving her a relationship where she gets to play the role of authority figure. Toddlers are often insecure about their relative lack of knowledge and how little control they have over their day-to-day lives, so having a friend they’re always the “boss” of is reassuring for them. That’s why it isn’t uncommon to see young children correcting, scolding, or informing their imaginary companions.
Are There Different Kinds of Imaginary Friends?
The two main categories of imaginary friend are fully invisible companions that only the child can see and interact with, and personified objects. Personified objects usually take the form of toys, but some children give personalities to other objects they find comforting, such as blankets. Invisible companions can be even more diverse than personified objects; they might take the form of a person, animal, monster, mythical creature, ghost, or even the child’s own shadow. Disembodied invisible friends are often (but not always) treated like equal peers, whereas personified objects tend to take on a more subservient role.
More rarely, kids use their own body as a conduit for an imaginary character. When this happens, the child takes on a role with a different name and personality, and she will only respond to that name and interact as that personality while she’s “in character.” Usually, kids use an item of apparel (like a specific shirt, a blanket “cape,” or a Halloween costume) to let others know they’re channeling their imaginary friend.
If your child has an egalitarian relationship with her imaginary friend, she probably feels fairly confident in her real-life interactions and may be slightly ahead of her peers in terms of understanding relationships. However, you shouldn’t be concerned if your child has a hierarchical relationship with her pretend companion; all kids learn at their own pace, and looking after a weaker imaginary companion can help your child feel strong and competent.
What Should You Do if Your Child has an Imaginary Friend?
The best way to handle your child’s imaginary companion is usually to allow your son or daughter to retain control over the situation. Don’t try to interact with the imaginary friend directly, but do acknowledge the companion’s existence and ask respectful questions about him (or her). Likewise, you should try to avoid questioning the existence of your child’s friend. The vast majority of kids who have imaginary friends already know their companions are only pretend, so telling your child that her friend isn’t real is unnecessary and may feel invalidating.
With that being said, it’s perfectly acceptable (and sometimes preferable) to set up reasonable boundaries for how and when your child interacts with her imaginary friend. You might want to instruct your child to leave her friend at home when she goes to school or church, for example, if her interactions with her companion tend to be disruptive. Likewise, you shouldn’t allow your child to use her imaginary friend to avoid facing consequences for her own actions. If your child blames her imaginary friend for something she did, like making a mess or breaking something, it’s best to take a balanced approach to discipline: If your child made an honest mistake, let her blame her imaginary friend to save face (small children may use this technique to manage feelings of shame). Then, gently remind her that invisible people can’t tidy up messes, so she’ll have to help you clean up after her friend.
When Should My Child Outgrow Her Imaginary Friend?
Most kids naturally outgrow their imaginary friends by the time they enter pre-adolescence, but this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, children keep their pretend companions, but they change the way they interact with them: Instead of manifesting externally, as a toy or invisible figure the child interacts with, the companion becomes wholly internal. The child may make the companion into a character she draws or write stories about, for instance, rather than speaking aloud to him or her. Children who do this sometimes keep their companion throughout adolescence and into adulthood.
As long as your child or teenager knows that her imaginary friend isn’t real, there’s usually no reason to worry about her keeping her companion as long as she wants. Most experts only recommend seeking professional help if a school-aged child doesn’t understand that her friend is fictional. Otherwise, the best way to handle your child’s vivid imagination is simply to enjoy the diverse characters and storylines she creates through pretend play.
