Praise has long been extolled for its virtues as a positive parenting tool. When used correctly, praise is a great way to let kids know which behaviours are appropriate, help them rebound from setbacks, and build their self-esteem. Unfortunately, praise also has a dark side: Excessive, nonspecific admiration from parents has the potential to encourage narcissistic traits – while actually harming a child’s self-esteem. Below, we’ll explain how narcissism differs from high self-esteem and provide strategies for using praise effectively.
What Separates Narcissism from High Self-Esteem?
Though narcissism was once thought to be a form of greatly inflated self-esteem, emerging research suggests that narcissism and self-esteem have little in common. Narcissism is characterized by the belief that one is inherently superior to others and therefore entitled to special treatment. Most narcissists have a fixation with agentic traits (such as intelligence and uniqueness) while having little regard for communal traits (e.g., kindness, generosity, and helpfulness). As such, they tend to be highly competitive, even in their close relationships.
Despite their outward grandiosity, narcissists often have fragile egos. They feel threatened by anything that challenges their perceived superiority, including constructive criticism and debate. This preoccupation with the perceptions of others can predispose them to insecurity, anxiety, and social problems. Childhood narcissism has also been linked to a heightened risk of developing depression and conduct disorders.
People with high self-esteem, by contrast, have a stable sense of identity and a healthy self-image. They realize their worth, but they don’t see themselves as more valuable than their peers. Their relationships are typically cooperative and they are capable of using constructive criticism and debate to fuel personal growth. As a result of having this balanced and optimistic worldview, kids with high self-esteem have a lower overall risk of experiencing psychological or behavioural problems.
How Does Narcissism Develop?
Though narcissism has a genetic component, most researchers don’t believe that children are born narcissists. Kids who are prone to developing narcissism may exhibit dominant traits and a heightened need for attention early in life, but these traits generally only develop into narcissism if certain social conditions are met. Research shows that children who are overvalued by their parents have a higher chance of becoming narcissistic, particularly when parents reinforce the idea that their child is unique, exceptional, and deserving of special privileges. The parents of narcissistic children also place a high emphasis on competition.
As narcissistic children mature, they often seek out social experiences that mirror the values their parents instilled in them. That is, they gravitate towards settings where they are likely to be praised and admired or highly competitive situations that deemphasize teamwork. By immersing themselves in these environments, they inadvertently affirm their self-centered outlook.
Recognizing Narcissism in Your Child
Narcissism can be very difficult for parents to identity. Not only do parents have an inherent bias towards believing their child is special, but Western culture also promotes a certain level of narcissism. In Western society, proclaiming one’s superiority and aggressively pursuing one’s desires is associated with being successful. We worry that if we fail to take what we’re entitled to, we’ll miss out on vital opportunities, which encourages the development of a competitive mindset. To overcome these cultural influences and objectively evaluate your child, it may be helpful to visit a licensed child therapist for a professional assessment; however, there are a few clear hallmarks of narcissism you can look for at home.
First, you should be aware that narcissistic traits rarely emerge before age seven. At age seven, kids start to compare themselves to their peers more frequently and build a sense of identity around these comparisons. If your child has emerging narcissistic traits, you may hear him make statements that suggest he is inherently superior to others. Where a confident child will praise his specific abilities (e.g., “I’m good at basketball.”), a narcissistic child might say that he’s smarter or more unique than everyone else. Narcissistic kids may also express resentment when other children succeed or earn privileges because they believe themselves to be more deserving of those rewards.
As a final note, when assessing your child, it’s important to remember that being narcissistic isn’t the same as having narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissism is a personality trait that can affect any member of the general population, whereas NPD is a rare and severe mental health condition that manifests in adulthood. Childhood narcissism can, in most cases, be prevented or corrected through the use of specific parenting strategies. Narcissistic personality disorder, on the other hand, requires professional treatment.
5 How to Praise Your Child Without Overvaluing Him
If you notice narcissistic traits in your child, it’s important to avoid panicking or eschewing the use of praise altogether. Narcissism is both common in kids and, if caught early, entirely treatable. To get your child back on the right track, try implementing the following parenting strategies:
1. Keep praise focused on your child’s level of effort.
When you talk about your child’s accomplishments, highlight the process he used to pursue his goals rather than how inherently worthy he is. For example, if your child scores well on a test, praise him for studying hard instead of telling him how smart he is.
Though this approach may sound cold or detached to many modern parents, it doesn’t have to be. As long as you speak in a warm, loving tone of voice, your child will understand that you’re proud of him. Furthermore, by not directly drawing attention to your child’s personality traits or aptitudes, you’ll avoid creating overly high standards for him to live up to. Multiple studies show that when children receive praise for their innate talents, they become anxious and start shying away from taking risks. This hesitance reduces the number of opportunities they have to build their confidence. To illustrate, if you frequently praise your child for being bright, he's likely to question his intelligence (and worry about disappointing you) the first time he fails a test. If you usually praise your child for his efforts, he will realize that he needs to work harder next time.
2. Be as specific as possible when expressing approval.
As your child matures beyond toddlerhood, you’ll need to start making your praise more detailed to ensure it has a lasting positive effect. Pay close attention to how your child completes tasks and pick out the parts of his process that impress you the most; that may be his organizational abilities, planning skills, time management, etc. If you weren’t present to witness your child’s process, try asking him how he achieved his objectives and point out areas where he was especially effective. By making praise a discussion, you’ll prompt your child to reflect on his learning style, which can inspire him to explore new ways of solving problems.
3. Use praise to foster intrinsic motivation.
Whenever possible, praise your child in a way that reinforces his autonomy. Praise what he has control over and avoid drawing attention to things he doesn’t have control over. (E.g., highlight the decisions he made when solving a problem or his positive attitude about a project.) Interviews with school-aged children reveal that kids feel empowered by praise that acknowledges their agency in this manner. They demonstrate higher levels of intrinsic motivation and typically perform better both at school and in their extracurricular activities of choice.
Conversely, kids feel discouraged when adults attribute their success to innate qualities, like intelligence. Kids who receive this kind of feedback may lose sight of their own reasons for engaging in tasks and become distracted by extrinsic motivators, like the pursuit of praise or other incentives.
4. Don’t compare your child to others.
Just as you should never belittle your child by comparing him to a peer or sibling, you should never tear another child down to build your child up. Even comparisons that seem relatively benign can inadvertently create a sense of competition. For instance, pointing out how brave your child was to try riding a bike when his friend was scared to do so will redirect your child’s attention to how impressive he appears, when he should be thinking about improving his biking skills.
5. Only praise your child when you sincerely mean it.
Researchers agree that most children can detect when praise isn’t genuine, and they have found that insincere praise can harm kids with low self-esteem. To keep praise meaningful, only give your child glowing accolades when he’s made a truly exceptional effort to achieve a goal. Otherwise, it’s better to use a technique known as descriptive feedback: In a positive tone of voice, factually describe what your child achieved without calling it exceptional or outstanding. You might say something like, “Wow, you drew a really colourful landscape!” or, “You’re building a house out of blocks, aren’t you?” These statements show your child that you’re paying attention and they invite your child to elaborate on his process, which can inspire engaging discussions.
Finally, be on the lookout for praise-seeking behaviour (when a child does something only to earn praise) and be particularly vigilant about responding to it with descriptive feedback. Doing so will guide your child to focus on his process rather than your reaction.
How to Help Your Child Cope with Receiving Less Praise
If you’re used to complimenting your child excessively, you may be concerned about how he will react to receiving less praise. As with any change in parenting style, you should make this transition gradually, after honestly explaining your intentions to your son or daughter. You should also look for more diverse methods of interacting positively with your child to ensure that he (or she) still feels loved and valued. Instead of relying heavily on praise, consider spending more time together playing games, engaging in shared hobbies, and talking, for example. Hugging your child more often is another healthy way to show him that you appreciate him and enjoy his company.
Finally, check in with your child occasionally to monitor the development of his self-image. Ask him how he feels about himself, what values he aspires to, and how he thinks others perceive him. By keeping track of your child’s evolving sense of identity, you’ll be able to spot problems early and, if necessary, seek appropriate help.
