Not every relationship works out. This is true whether the relationship in question is a friendship, romantic relationship, or the relationship between you and your therapist. The therapeutic process is at once objective and highly personal, so a number of different factors can affect how therapy does or doesn’t progress. Some of these factors, like poorly matched communication styles, are beyond the therapist’s control, while others result from a lack of skill or professionalism. Regardless of what’s causing the absence of connection between you and your therapist, it’s important that you recognize the signs that change is needed. A poor therapeutic relationship may hold you back by reinforcing negative thought patterns; it will also prevent you from getting the help you actually need. If any of the issues below show up repeatedly during your therapy sessions, it’s probably time to consider making a change:
1. Your therapist is too impersonal.
Though some degree of professional detachment is desirable in a therapist (as it allows for the delivery of truly impartial feedback), your interactions with your therapist shouldn’t feel cold or clinical. A good therapist will provide an empathetic environment where you feel comfortable sharing whatever is on your mind. He (or she) will make an effort to get to know you as a person and provide words of wisdom and caring as needed.
2. Your therapist is overly familiar.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, some therapists have a tendency to become too casual and relaxed around their patients. If you spend most of your sessions discussing hobbies or interests that you and your therapist have in common, for example, that’s a problem. Your therapist should use your initial sessions to establish a rapport with you; after that, it’s time to begin tackling the deeper issues you want to address.
You should also never get the impression that your therapist is more interested in talking about his life than yours. Sometimes your therapist might mention his own experiences when they directly relate to yours (doing so can encourage the formation of trust), but this should remain a minor part of your sessions.
3. Your therapist becomes emotionally reactive when discussing challenging issues.
Occasionally, you may enter into debates with your therapist. It’s part of his job to challenge you to rethink unhelpful patterns and inspire you to modify your behaviour/thoughts for the better, and this can lead to intense discussions. Still, no matter how difficult the issues on the table are, your therapist should remain calm and objective. If your therapist becomes visibly angry or upset with you when you share something (or disagree with him), he’s not demonstrating sufficient professional detachment. This can derail the therapeutic process by causing you to censor yourself: You may avoid sharing important details because you fear being judged, or because you don’t want to let your therapist down.
Note that this rule also applies to the way your therapist accepts feedback. A true professional won’t become defensive if you say his current approach to treatment isn’t working for you.
4. You feel like your therapist isn’t listening to you.
Your therapist should be trained in the art of active listening. That is, he should give you his undivided attention when you speak, allow you to complete your thoughts, then verify that he understood what you meant. If your therapist rushes to give you advice before completing all of these steps, you may want to consider trying someone else. Poor listening skills often lead to the provision of bad advice and make patients feel invalidated.
A tendency to dispense heavy-handed advice can signify conceit on the part of your therapist, too. If he often interjects his own opinions before allowing you to complete your thoughts, he’s probably overly certain he has all the right answers. A good therapist, by contrast, will take a collaborative approach: He’ll ask you for feedback regularly and make you part of the problem-solving process.
5. You feel like your treatment isn’t progressing.
Change takes time, so it’s normal to require the assistance of a therapist for months (or even years) while you implement new patterns or process painful feelings. People with mental health conditions often require lifelong therapeutic support, though they will need fewer sessions as time goes on. Still, it’s important to establish measurable goals for therapy and have a sense that you’re progressing towards them. If you feel like you aren’t making progress, your therapist should proactively suggest different strategies to help you reach your goals. If he keeps using the same techniques and you remain stalled, you should consider trying a different therapist.
6. Your therapist pushes his own values or beliefs on you.
Therapy should be a secular, evidence-based process. Your therapist may draw on proven behaviour modification strategies (like mindfulness therapy) that have their origins in spirituality, but these concepts should be presented in a secular light. The only possible exception to this rule is if you have voluntarily sought out counselling that integrates beliefs you already have. A good therapist will never attempt to “convert” you to a different faith or pressure you to adopt his own social values. He will also automatically respect your gender identity, sexuality, and your chosen family composition. Even if you’re questioning issues related to your gender or sexuality, it’s your therapist’s job to help you explore your feelings, not force a specific choice on you.
Your therapist’s respect for your personal boundaries and choices must extend beyond the realm of social and spiritual values, too. Your therapist shouldn’t interfere in matters that aren’t directly related to the reasons why you sought therapy. E.g., if your therapist pressures you to lose weight or change the way you dress (even though you’re happy with the way you look), you should find a more accepting professional.
7. Your therapist encourages you to blame others for your problems.
A well-trained therapist will know how to strike a balance between emotional validation and the pursuit of personal accountability. He’ll acknowledge how others have hurt you, but gently encourage you to examine the role your own choices played in the situation (where appropriate). A good therapist will not blame others in your life for creating your problems, with the exception of traumatic occurrences like rape or severe abuse. For instance, if you’re seeking help for a substance use disorder, he won’t claim that your parents or your partner “made” you abuse substances. He’ll empathize with the stressful feelings you experience in your relationships, then work with you to develop healthier stress management techniques.
Ultimately, therapy has to be an empowering process. Placing too much blame on others cultivates a victim mentality rather than giving the patient the tools he or she needs to succeed.
8. You don’t feel like the advice you’re getting is right for you.
Ideally, your therapist will tailor his approach to meet your individual needs. However, multiple types of therapy exist (humanistic therapy, cognitive therapy, behaviour therapy, etc.), and some therapists choose to specialize in just one or two of these therapeutic styles. While each type of therapy has its own distinct merits, sometimes a therapist’s preferred approach won’t mesh with your personality. Likewise, vastly different communication styles can sabotage the patient-therapist connection. A therapist who is very gentle and diplomatic won’t be right for a patient who prefers a blunt, straightforward approach, for instance. If you feel like the advice you’re receiving from your therapist won’t work for you, it’s best to amicably part ways.
9. Your therapist is unreliable.
Though unexpected things happen to everyone, your therapist should demonstrate an overall pattern of reliability. If he’s constantly cancelling appointments or showing up late, you should look for a more organized practitioner. Other warning signs that indicate a lack of professionalism include answering calls or text messages during appointments, keeping a messy office, etc.
10. Your therapist lacks the experience needed to effectively treat you.
People seek therapy for a wide variety of different reasons. They might want to work through communication problems in their marriage, learn to control their impulsive spending, overcome an addiction, or come to terms with grief or trauma. Because these problems have such disparate origins and solutions, resolving them requires highly specialized knowledge and experience. You should therefore look for a therapist who is trained to treat the issue (or issues) you wish to address.
Though the prospect of finding a new therapist can be daunting, you’ll be amazed by the leap forward you take when you find the right professional for you. If you feel like you just aren’t “clicking” with your therapist after five or six sessions, consider looking for someone else: It’s much easier to switch early on in the treatment process than it is after months of therapy.
11. A word of caution.
Sometimes people feel ‘stuck’ in therapy for reasons that have nothing to do with their therapist. Therapy usually involves re-visiting of old trauma and re-construction of one’s beliefs and behavioral patterns. It can evoke very painful feelings and fear of change. If you are not yet ready to make this leap of faith you need to discuss it with your therapist to figure out what the obstacles are and whether they can be overcome. If this is the case, changing therapists will not help.
