The Demanding Child: How to End the Entitlement Cycle

Dr. Tali Shenfield | August 16, 2017

While it's normal and healthy for children to go through a demanding phase during their development - usually as they hit the “terrible twos” and begin to move out of infancy and establish their independence - if you are constantly hearing the refrain of “Buy me, give it to me, I need...” from your school-aged children, it's likely a time to take a deeper look at what's driving their behaviour.

Some children do not learn to balance their needs with the needs of others, becoming very emotionally demanding and manipulative, and/or they show extremely materialistic tendencies (this is especially common during the preteen and teen years). The causes for these behaviours vary; an emotionally difficult situation, such as going through their parents' divorce, may cause some children to act out in demanding ways. Trauma, too, such as sexual trauma early in life, can have a profound impact on the development of narcissistic qualities; children who have suffered such shame and degradation may latch onto these tendencies as they provide a reliable defense mechanism against unpleasant emotions.

Parents often unwittingly encourage this entitled behaviour; they might over-indulge their young children emotionally as a way of showing them “love” (often when they do not have enough time to spend with them), spoil their teens as they themselves remember the pain of not “fitting in” in high school, or lavish gifts on their children out of guilt over an impending divorce. Unfortunately, these parents soon discover that their efforts are never “enough”; no matter how much they give, their children feel entitled to more.

Parents may also inadvertently model narcissistic behaviour, which their children then learn to emulate. If one or both of a child's parents display strong traits of domination and selfishness, that child will usually naturally latch on to these qualities, having been shown that they are effective—at least in the short term—when it comes to getting one's needs met. Parents who express or expect unrealistic levels of perfection may also wind up contributing to demanding patterns in their offspring.

Parental neglect, be it intentional or otherwise, is another common precursor to narcissistic behaviour patterns, particularly if the neglect occurred while the child was very young (usually around two years of age). If a child's mother is unable or unwilling to support the child's emerging ego needs, issues with ego fixation and developmental arrest may later arise.

In most cases of chronic sense of entitlement, underlying the demanding nature is a genuine issue: These children feel that life is not “fair”, and that they are therefore “owed”, as they have actually been deprived of what they need: Usually either nurturing, love, limits, structure, or some combination of these basic requirements. This deficit results in a sense of loss, which leads to anger and frustration. Not knowing any other way to get their needs met, these deprived children constantly demand that their most immediate wants be filled—only to feel chronically unsatisfied, as the real issue is never resolved.

Sometimes, even in the absence of parental error or encouragement, children develop a demanding personality; while the causes for this are not fully understood, there may be a neurological basis in some cases. Additionally, the pressures of living in a profoundly materialistic society can influence some children more strongly than others (for example, a child who gets bullied at school may become more susceptible to feeling a “need” for material objects in order to attain status.)

Regardless of the origin of a child's demanding nature, it soon spurs a negative cycle wherein other needs go unmet due to the fact that the child is so difficult to deal with; peers begin to shun him or her and the basic need of friendship goes unfulfilled, teachers lose their patience and the child's academic success is negatively impacted, etc. This harms the child's self-esteem further, and material goods and/or emotional demands take on a greater and greater importance as they become ever more necessary for the child to feel a sense of worth and status.

 

The Entitlement Cycle: Understanding Common Errors in Thinking

Children usually cannot break out of the entitlement cycle without professional aid, even as they enter their adult years, due to the fact that they are severely limited by their own faulty, distorted thinking. Common errors in thinking experienced by entitled, demanding children include:

Reality distortion: Children suffering from reality distortion literally experience the world (seeing and hearing it) through the lens of their own sense of hurt and shame. They are unable to properly use their ego strengths (the foundation of common sense) to interpret situations owing to how wounded their egos are.

Mood switching: Children with this issue appear to experience frequent mood swings as they vacillate between trying to behave well and reacting with anger or sadness when doing so does not automatically result in them getting what they want. They do so because, in their minds, not being given what they desire is tantamount to rejection.

Impaired impulse control: Due to the child's fragile sense of self, he or she is very reactive to external stimuli, as he or she quickly feels threatened by it. Likewise, the child's intense need for gratification means that he or she perpetually feels the need to have things “now”.

Inability to properly empathize: The child is so caught up in his or her own feelings of hurt, shame, and neediness that he or she cannot see situations from another's perspective.

Denial: The child uses being habitually demanding in the present to keep the focus off the pain he or she has buried deep inside. Likewise, any attempt to correct the child's behaviour results in a complete denial of accountability as any form of perceived criticism reminds the child of the hurt and shame he or she is trying to avoid. Usually the child will externalize blame rather than accept responsibility, asserting that you are the problem, not him. (Angry outbursts, i.e. tantrums, are often used to deflect uncomfortable feelings during the denial process.)

A need to be perceived as being “special”: The child both demonstrates a problematic need for fantasy (indulging in daydreams of unlimited wealth, power, revenge, etc.) and an overwhelming desire to be treated as though he or she is “special” (and therefore deserves special privileges).

Idealization and devaluation issues: The child will often build authority figures up so long as he or she is being indulged by them (declaring them wonderful, special, the best, etc.), then viciously tear them down once they cease indulging the child or ask him or her to begin taking accountability.

 

Working with Entitled Children

Teachers and therapists who work with chronically demanding children need to be aware of not only the types of distorted thinking outlined above, but also the unique set of tools required to break the entitlement cycle—children with narcissistic tendencies cannot be treated the same way as children experiencing mental illnesses or personality issues. Namely, these children are often more interested in getting those who try to help them to participate in their symptoms than they are in getting better.

Teachers and therapists must be prepared to focus their efforts on teaching these children social skills and empathy, as only through learning to see issues from the perspective of others will these children be able to realize how and why it is important to cease their repetitive compulsive behaviour and address their deeper pain. Usually, this must be begun by showing the child how his behaviours are not helping him, an act which positions the adult as an ally while also getting the child to think critically about his behaviours (without feeling “blamed”).

Through forming a trusting alliance with a caring adult, these children can begin to feel safe enough to address the core issue that is causing them to behave in such demanding and selfish ways. From there, they can learn to think and act in new ways which move them beyond their destructive cycles, opening them up to a life of freedom, enjoyment, and discovery.

About Tali Shenfield

Dr. Tali Shenfield holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Toronto and is a licensed school and clinical psychologist. She has taught at the University of Toronto and has worked at institutions including the Hospital for Sick Children, Hincks-Dellcrest Centre, TDSB, and YCDSB. Dr. Shenfield is the Founder and Clinical Director of Advanced Psychology Services.

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