Throughout many areas of our lives, balance is key to success. Whether it’s achieving an optimal work-life balance or eating a more balanced diet, happiness can often be found in the middle ground between extremes. Cultivating a parenting style that reflects this wisdom has been shown to be similarly fruitful: Teens who are raised with a careful blend of security and freedom usually develop into healthy, well-rounded individuals.
Unfortunately, the emotional ups and downs inherent in parenting a teen make it hard to adhere to a moderate approach. Parents are often left wondering where they should draw the line: When is it okay to let your teen do what he (or she) wants, even if you don’t agree with his choices? When should you step in and set boundaries, and if you do, will it just push your teen away or cause him to rebel?
The answers to questions like these will, of course, vary depending on the situation. However, by assessing—and, if necessary, retooling—your parenting style, you can give yourself the foundational skills needed to maintain a balanced approach to parenting.
Finding Your Parenting Style
Few of us are taught how to parent a teen. Instead, we draw primarily from our familial and cultural background when raising our children. This is sometimes sufficient, especially if you were raised in a healthy home, but in many cases, it leaves parents prone to repeating less than ideal habits and traditions. Being unaware of your parenting style can also make you vulnerable to vacillation; e.g., being an overly strict parent sometimes and an overly permissive parent at other times. Understanding the four parenting styles below is the first step to figuring out where you stand on the spectrum and where you could potentially improve:
1. Authoritarian.
The authoritarian parent operates much like a military sergeant: Whatever he or she says becomes law and is not up for discussion. These parents don’t believe they should have to justify their rules; their role as parents grants them automatic and final authority.
Authoritarian parenting is ineffective because it only works up to a point. As teens mature, they invariably start to resent the restrictions placed on them by their parents. This causes them to either rebel or employ deceit to achieve their goals. Even when kids raised in authoritarian households don’t rebel, this parenting style almost always leads to developmental issues. Kids who are never given any freedom don’t learn how to make their own choices, so they remain timid and insecure well into adulthood.
2. Permissive.
The permissive parent is often caring and compassionate, but they make the mistake of thinking their teen is, for most intents and purposes, another adult. These parents often cease to enforce any boundaries or limits by the time their child reaches his mid teens, instead trusting him to make all of his own decisions. Permissive parents often believe that if they act like their child’s best friend, their child will naturally behave well.
To some degree, this is true—teens who are close to their parents usually do want to please them. The problem with permissive parenting lies in how much responsibility it places on a child’s shoulders. Teens raised in permissive households often feel lost and worry excessively about always making the “right” choice. They may also become overly focused on supporting their parents, especially if their parents don’t have many friends outside the home. In effect, these kids feel pressured to act like miniature adults, which curtails their freedom to make mistakes and develop normally.
3. Distant.
Distant parents, like permissive parents, usually believe that adolescents can function fairly well on their own. However, unlike permissive parents, distant parents take a very “hands off” approach. They mistake their teen’s aloofness for a desire to be left alone and provide minimal oversight. These parents often allow themselves to become immersed in their work and other interests, figuring that the best way to parent a teen is to only step in when their child is seriously hurt or in danger. Unfortunately, this approach sends mixed messages: When a parent who is usually very permissive suddenly enforces rules, those rules invariably feel very heavy-handed to his or her teen.
Though distant parents generally mean well, this parenting style can be very damaging. Kids raised in distant households often feel unloved and act out—sometimes to a dangerous degree—simply to get attention.
4. Balanced.
Balanced parents are authoritative without being authoritarian. That is, they can be counted on to provide wise, reliable guidance and create considered, reasonable limits. When these parents make rules, they think about why those rules must exist and explain their choices to their child. They encourage respectful behaviour without demanding perfection, and they don’t needlessly curtail their child’s developing individuality. These parents focus on keeping their child safe while he learns how to navigate the world around him.
If you’re a permissive, authoritarian, or distant parent, you should work on adjusting your parenting style to be more balanced. Balanced parenting has been shown to reduce problematic behaviours (like smoking, substance abuse, violence, and unsafe sex) and build teens’ self-esteem. Adolescents provided with balanced parenting also experience lower rates of depression and anxiety.
To reduce friction between you and your child, you should make changes to your parenting style slowly. Involving a mental health professional, like a family therapist, can also be profoundly helpful. A therapist can develop a realistic plan for change, keep you on track, and provide mediation.
5 Ways to Achieve a More Balanced Parenting Style
- Keep your rules oriented around building positive traits (like fairness and empathy) and staying safe. Make sure your child knows that when you create a boundary, you have his best interests at heart.
- Let your child make mistakes, provided that those mistakes won’t put him in danger.
- Support your child. When your child approaches you for assistance in solving an issue, do your best to listen attentively and work with him to develop solutions. Create opportunities for your teen to speak to you confidentially.
- Proactively look for ways to help your teen develop responsible independence. If your teen wants a new privilege, like being allowed to use the family car, identify opportunities where he can safely prove he’s ready. For example, you could allow him to drive to the corner store alone each week. If he can do this without issue, you might consider letting him drive to a friend’s house. Balanced parenting involves gradually relaxing rules in step with a teen’s growing maturity.
- Get to know your teen. No two adolescents are alike. Though balanced parenting is effective for most teens, some kids will need more discipline and structure than others. If your child is experiencing issues, try to get to the bottom of why he’s acting out and then give him the structure he needs to feel secure. If this doesn’t work, talk to a mental health professional; your child may be experience mental health or developmental problems.
At their best, balanced parents are responsive, warm, and loving leaders. They keep the lines of communication open at all times and do their best to model healthy behaviours. This kind of parenting can create and reinforce good habits and strong family ties—a positive example that can endure for generations.
