When we’re observing someone else’s behaviour, it’s easy to appreciate the value of self-restraint. When we coach our children to “take a deep breath” or have a time out when they’re upset, for example, the value of emotional management becomes plain to see. Sometimes, however, we don’t recognize our own need for self-regulation strategies.
Parenting is tough and emotionally draining work, no matter how much joy our children bring us. Many parents are frequently sleep-deprived and juggling multiple commitments at work and at home. It’s therefore perfectly understandable that emotions occasionally run high. When it looks like a child is misbehaving “on purpose,” for example, or when one child is being cruel to another, it’s easy to snap and react on instinct. Unfortunately, in these frustrating moments, we often go further than hitting a pillow or yelling at our children to be quiet. Many parents end up judging and labeling their children—and these labels stick. When we apply negative descriptors to our kids (e.g., “lazy,” mean,” “difficult,” etc.), they believe us. Not only does this cause them to think less of themselves, it often removes their motivation to change their behaviour. When we don’t think we can do well at something, we cease trying to improve.
Positive parenting therefore relies heavily on the ability of parents to manage their effectively. Note that “manage” does not mean “repress.” We cannot, and should not, try to avoid feeling altogether; indeed, attempting this often leads to worse explosions. Instead, we must learn how to recognize our emotions before we react, accept them, and find a healthy way to regulate them. It’s challenging, yes, but it’s essential to developing a strong bond with your children.
Remember: Kids don’t usually act out because they want to be malicious. More often than not, “bad” behaviour happens because they’re distressed (and unable to manage their own emotions well). As such, kids need our assistance when they’re being challenging—not our blame. Here’s some methods you can use to ensure your don’t get the better of you:
1. Recognize and Accept Your Emotions Without Judgment.
Inevitably, not judging your child must start with not judging yourself. Many parents get caught up in a maelstrom of guilt for simply thinking negative things about their children, even if they manage not to say them. This guilt often leads them to overcompensate with leniency and eventually they become resentful and short-tempered.
Rather than trying to shove negative thoughts and feelings down, sit with them for a moment, without labeling them. Ask yourself why you’re feeling so upset with your child’s behaviour: Are you embarrassed because she had a tantrum in public? Are you worried that her picking on her brother is a sign she’s going to grow up to be a less than kind individual? Whatever your concerns are, they’re probably perfectly rational at base… And by acknowledging them, you can figure out how best to address your worries. Ultimately, this is better for both you and your child. If you don’t react, you can more effectively generate solutions that leave both you and your child feeling happier and more relaxed. What’s more, you’ll escape the “remorse cycle” that so many parents fall into. (That is, threatening overly harsh punishments, only to recant them soon afterwards and spoil your child by way of apology. A process which is, of course, a surefire way to undermine your discipline.)
2. Educate Yourself on Child Development to Understand Their Core Emotions.
Children go through various stages of development, each with their own emotional characteristics. By educating yourself on typical development, you can gain insight into the core emotions driving your child’s behaviour. This context helps you empathize with their feelings and avoid misinterpreting their actions.
For example, the ‘terrible twos’ is a famously difficult period. Two-year-olds are developing independence and frustration when they can’t do things themselves. Tantrums are common as they learn to express their emotions. Knowing this is normal toddler behaviour helps you respond with patience rather than anger.
Likewise, as preschoolers grow more socially aware, separation anxiety emerges. Your child may become clingy or throw fits when you leave. Understanding their fear of abandonment allows you to reassure them while still enforcing boundaries.
Reading child development books, taking a parenting class, or discussing stages with your pediatrician are great ways to learn about age-appropriate behaviours. This knowledge helps you stay calm and respond appropriately during emotionally charged situations. You’ll be better equipped to address the root cause rather than react to the surface behaviour.
3. Set Realistic Expectations for Managing Your Emotions.
It’s important to set realistic expectations for yourself when it comes to managing your emotions as a parent. Parenting is filled with wonderful highs but also frustrating lows. By aligning your expectations with the reality of parenting, you’ll be less prone to disappointment and unnecessary frustration.
Have compassion for yourself and accept that you won’t handle every situation perfectly. There will be times when your emotions get the better of you. Rather than punishing yourself, reflect on what triggered your response and try to figure out how to better handle that situation in the future.
Additionally, have realistic expectations for your child’s behaviour based on their age and stage of development. Preschoolers are naturally curious and impulsive - they will make messes and break rules. Expecting them to always listen the first time sets you both up for failure. Adjust your mindset around what your child is capable of.
Seeing your child - and your parenting abilities - through a realistic lens helps you roll with the punches. Parenting is tough, but it gets easier when you forgive yourself for not being superhuman. With compassionate expectations, you’re better equipped to navigate the emotional peaks and valleys.
4. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation for Emotional Balance.
When parenting stress mounts, it’s easy to get caught up in emotional reactions. Practicing mindfulness and meditation helps you cultivate emotional balance amidst the chaos.
Mindfulness teaches you to stay grounded in the present moment, aware of your thoughts and feelings without getting carried away by them. Notice when your mind is jumping to judgments or assumptions about your child’s behaviour. Pause and take a breath before responding.
Formal meditation also strengthens your ability to witness thoughts and emotions without reacting. Even just 5-10 minutes of quiet breathing space makes a difference. Over time, you become less hijacked by difficult feelings.
There are many kid-friendly mindfulness apps and videos to engage your child as well. Set aside a few minutes each day to sit together and follow guided meditations. This teaches your child emotional regulation skills too.
Make mindfulness a habit, not a chore. Find easy ways to incorporate it into your routine - while nursing, driving, washing dishes, etc. As you build your capacity for emotional balance, you’ll become a more patient, attentive parent.
5. Engage in Regular Physical Activity to Elevate Your Mood.
Between busy schedules and fatigue, it can be tough for parents to fit in exercise. However, physical activity is a proactive way to boost your mood and emotional resilience.
Aim to engage in at least 30 minutes of heart-pumping activity most days of the week. This could be jogging, biking, swimming, an exercise class - whatever you enjoy. Moving your body releases endorphins, elevating your mood. It also serves as a valuable stress-reliever.
Schedule your workouts like any other important appointment. Even a quick lunch break walk can lift your energy. Look for opportunities to make exercise a family affair - go on a hike or bike ride together.
Staying active provides a natural mood boost, helping you go into each parenting moment with positivity. When challenges arrive, you’ll have an emotional reserve to handle them calmly. Make self-care through exercise a regular habit, not a luxury.
6. Flip Your Reaction: Express Understanding in Challenging Situations.
Very young children often have no idea that they are doing anything “wrong” when, for example, they make outrageous demands. (Things like refusing to eat unless you wash their favourite red bowl that instant.) In reality, this kind of behaviour is usually driven by upset or anxiety that they cannot properly identify or express. Rather than reacting with anger and frustration, pause and “flip” your reaction to something positive (e.g., giving your child a big hug or distracting her with something funny). By doing so, you may defuse the situation. What’s more, you’ll probably soothe your own feelings as well as your child’s.
Note that doing the above doesn’t mean caving into your child’s every whim. She should still be expected to listen to you and obey the rules; you’re just creating a positive interlude for both of you.
7. Take the Time to Breathe When Emotions Get The Better of You.
One of the most stressful things about parenting is the idea that you need to be “on” all of the time. Parents, like everyone else, need the occasional break where they don’t have to be the bigger person and remain in control… And that’s okay. If you feel like you’re on the brink of an explosion, put your child somewhere safe (e.g., put him in a playpen or ask your partner to look after him) and give yourself a time out to calm down. Not only will this help you avoid making hurtful statements, you will be modeling appropriate emotional management techniques for your child. You can rest assured that he will watch you and learn from your example.
If you’re still having a hard time thinking of an appropriate response to the situation after you have calmed down, reach out for help. Talking to your partner or a fellow parent can assist you in looking at the situation objectively and devising a solution that both nurtures your child and holds him accountable. Ultimately, you want your child to know you’re there to help him, but you also need to set firm limits and boundaries. Not only will this encourage good behaviour, your child needs these limits to feel secure.
8. Practice Accepting Gratitude to Shift Focus.
When parenting problems feel endless, it’s easy to fixate on the negatives. Practicing gratitude helps you consciously shift focus to the positive aspects of life. This lifts your spirits and reminds you of what truly matters.
Take a few minutes each day to reflect on what you’re grateful for. It could be something as simple as your child’s laughter, a sunny day, or a good night’s sleep. Keep a gratitude journal to maintain this habit.
Share your appreciation outwardly too. Let your child know how grateful you are for them. Express thanks to your partner for their support. Appreciate yourself as well - you’re doing the best you can!
In difficult moments, tap into gratitude as an emotional reset. When you want to lash out in anger, pause. Consider three things you’re grateful for right now, like deep breaths or the ability to comfort your child.
Make gratitude a lens through which you view challenges and blessings alike. This consistent practice keeps your spirit lifted, helping you parent with more patience and compassion.
9. Use Positive Affirmations to Impact Your Emotional State.
The way you talk to yourself impacts your emotional state. In difficult parenting moments, negative self-talk can heighten anger, anxiety, and stress. Combat this with positive affirmations.
Affirmations are simple phrases that reinforce your strengths, capabilities, and worthiness as a parent. For example: “I am patient”, “I am caring”, “I am doing my best.” Repeat these to yourself when you are ready to burst.
Write down affirmations and place them around your home. Say them aloud or write them in a journal. Make recordings to play when driving or resting. The more you repeat positive self-talk, the more it will replace negative rumination.
Share affirmations with other parents too. We all need reminders of our inherent value. Give loved ones specific praise on their parenting strengths. Ask them to remind you of your capabilities when you’re doubtful.
Self-affirmation is a powerful tool for self-soothing and perspective. Let supportive mantras lift your spirits and guide your emotional state, especially during storms. You’ve got this!
10. Prioritize Self-care to Regulate Your Emotional Well-being.
It’s easy for self-care to fall by the wayside when parenting small children. However, taking time to nurture yourself is crucial for maintaining your emotional reserves.
Carve out small windows in your day for relaxation and joy. Read a book, take a bath, go for a walk - whatever boosts your spirits. Say no to non-essential commitments that add stress. Protect your downtime; you need it.
Don’t wait until you’re depleted to take a break. Schedule regular self-care into each week, like getting a massage or coffee with a friend. Ask your partner to cover the kids so you can recharge.
Establish a soothing nightly routine, like journaling, stretching, or meditation. Prioritize sleep when possible. Even small acts of self-nurturing will renew your energy and patience.
Taking care of yourself is an act of love - for both you and your child. When your cup is full, you can give your best to your family. Make self-care a non-negotiable part of parenting.
11. Establish a Parenting Support System to Express and Share Feelings.
Parenting can feel isolating at times. Leaning on others provides camaraderie, advice, and emotional relief.
Identify friends or family members who are good listeners when you need to vent or ask for guidance. Or, join an in-person or online parent support group to connect with those facing similar challenges.
If you have a partner, check in regularly about how you each are feeling in your parenting roles. Be open when you’re nearing a breaking point. Tag team when needed.
Sharing your experiences reminds you that you’re not alone. Other parents can relate and may offer new perspectives. Over time, your support system becomes a valuable resource for navigating the ups and downs.
Don’t hesitate to seek professional help like family counseling if your emotions consistently feel overwhelming. Everyone needs support sometimes - there’s no shame in asking for it.
12. Limit Exposure to Negative Stimuli for a Balanced Emotional State.
Our environment impacts our inner state. Surrounding yourself with negativity - whether that’s news, social media, or toxic people - can heighten anger, stress, and sadness.
Limit your consumption of inputs that trigger or reinforce negative emotions. Be selective about the news and social media you engage with. Reduce contact with people who regularly upset you.
Nurture your family’s home environment as well. Play upbeat music and minimize clutter. Display photos, art, and affirmations that bring positivity. Limit screen time watching shows with harsh tones.
Instead, engage with media, activities, and relationships that make you feel uplifted, relaxed, inspired, and loved. Let your child experience the impacts of an encouraging environment.
When navigating parenting challenges, your emotional baseline matters. By proactively managing your stimuli, you help maintain perspective and resilience - for both yourself and your child.
13. Seek a Therapist or Counselor When Parenting Emotions Challenge Your Self-regulation.
Despite your best efforts, you may find your emotions consistently raging out of control as a parent. This may signify an underlying mental health issue that requires professional support.
A therapist can help you identify unresolved trauma, chronic stress, or thought patterns that heighten anger and anxiety. Counseling provides tools to process these challenges in a healthy way.
For some, medication may be warranted to stabilize mood disorders like depression. A psychiatrist can determine if this would be beneficial.
Parenting coaches offer guidance tailored to managing emotions in child-rearing. Working through scenarios with an expert gives you practice responding positively.
Seeking help is not a sign of failure. In fact, it’s an act of wisdom and self-care when you recognize your limits. There are many resources available so you don’t have to navigate alone.
With professional support, you can learn to regulate your emotions in a way that enables you to be the parent you want to be. Don’t be afraid to reach out.
Looking Ahead
Learning how to manage emotions is often a gradual process and you can expect to experience a lot of “trial and error.” If you stick with it, however, you’ll learn skills that will benefit you for the rest of your life. Moreover, you’ll be giving your child the tools he or she needs to grow up to be a healthy, responsible adult.
This journey requires patience and compassion. There will be slip-ups amid the growth. When your get the best of you, take it as a learning opportunity, not a failure. Reflect on what triggered your reaction and make a plan to better manage that situation next time.
With regular practice, emotional regulation will gradually become second nature. Don’t discount small victories. Over time, these mindful responses will benefit you tremendously, teaching your child invaluable skills as well. Your commitment to personal growth charts the course for the next generation. Stay focused on the progress ahead, not perfection. Equipped with these strategies, you can navigate the rollercoaster of parenting in a positive direction, one mindful moment at a time.
References:
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- Parent J, McKee LG, Rough JN, Forehand R. The association of parent mindfulness with parenting and youth psychopathology across three developmental stages. J Abnorm Child Psychol. 2016;44(1):191-202.
- Havighurst SS, Wilson KR, Harley AE, Prior MR, Kehoe C. Tuning in to Kids: improving emotion socialization practices in parents of preschool children – findings from a community trial. J Child Psychol Psychiatry. 2010;51(12):1342-50.
- Coatsworth JD, Duncan LG, Greenberg MT, Gayles JG, Bamberger KT. Integrating mindfulness with parent training: Effects of the mindfulness-enhanced strengthening families program. Dev Psychol. 2015;51(1):26-35.
- Bögels S, Hellemans J, van Deursen S, Römer M, van der Meulen R. Mindful parenting in mental health care: Effects on parental and child psychopathology, parental stress, parenting, coparenting, and marital functioning. Mindfulness. 2014;5(5):536-51.
This is an update to the original post "How To Effectively Manage Your Emotions And Become a Better Parent" published on Feb 8, 2020.
