Being a parent is extremely rewarding, but it’s also a challenging and sometimes stressful role. Even when parents realize that their children don't intend to be difficult, they often succumb to feelings of frustration and helplessness in the wake of tantrums and poor behaviour. Over time, this can create a pattern of reacting to tense situations rather than responding to them, which further inflames kids' outbursts.
Putting an end to this cycle is, of course, easier said than done: Parents are only human, and it’s a function of the human brain to enter “fight or flight” mode when confronted with hostility, regardless of whether that hostility is coming from another adult or a child. Learning how to remain calm and present in exceptionally taxing situations takes time, practice, and the implementation of specific, mindful parenting techniques.
How Does Reacting Differ From Responding?
A reaction is a sudden, automatic response to an overwhelming situation. When someone reacts, they experience a flood of uncontrollable emotions that causes them to act without thinking. For parents, reactive behaviour is often triggered by a perceived threat (e.g., feeling like their child is in danger), but it can also occur when their child’s conduct activates repressed insecurities, trauma, or emotional baggage. Though there are many different reasons why a parent might react, some of the most common triggers include:
- Exhaustion and stress. Most parents are more reactive after a long day at work, for example.
- Value-based conflicts. Some parents feel threatened, anxious, or alienated when their child challenges their beliefs.
- Unresolved trauma or painful memories. Parents often become reactive when they feel the need to protect their children from situations that led to emotional or physical injury during their own childhood.
- Anxiety. Parents may worry excessively about how their child’s problem behaviours will affect their own life. If their child has a history of keeping them awake at night, for instance, they may react harshly if their child enters their bedroom after bedtime. In this case, the reaction is driven by the parent’s fear of not being able to sleep and the possible consequences of that; e.g., performing poorly at work.
Responding, by contrast, involves acknowledging one’s negative feelings, then taking measured actions intended to defuse the situation. When parents respond, they take a step back before deciding how to proceed; they pause, accept their feelings of helplessness and frustration, then try to look at things from their child’s point of view. For example, is the child acting out because he’s hungry, tired, overstimulated, or dealing with a stressful event in his social or academic life? The responsive parent will empathize with her child’s struggle, then devise a solution that meets everyone’s needs (while still reinforcing appropriate behaviour).
What is Mindful Parenting, and How Does it Prevent Reactiveness?
Every parent wishes to remain calm in the face of their child’s challenging behaviour, but mastering our reactions requires more than simple willpower. Parents need to have the right tools to regulate their emotions, and they need to practice using those tools regularly if they are to become more responsive.
One way to do this is to incorporate mindfulness into your parenting strategy: Mindful parenting techniques teach us how to observe our emotions – and our child’s emotions – without passing judgment, and without either projecting into the future or reflecting on the past. By staying centered in the moment, mindful parents can focus on solving the problem at hand (and restoring harmony), rather than becoming distracted by shame, guilt, worry, and other unhelpful feelings.
Mindful parenting should not be misunderstood as a form of positive thinking, nor does it ask parents to ignore their needs or feelings. On the contrary, mindfulness involves directly facing uncomfortable emotions and striving to create compromises that meet the needs of both parent and child. What mindfulness does require, however, is not criticizing or repressing your emotions. For instance, a mindful parent will accept that she’s angry without either blaming herself for feeling that way or minimizing it.
Though these techniques might not sound constructive, they’re often highly effective when put into proper practice. To illustrate, a parent who realizes she’s angry is much more capable of taking a step back than a parent who denies her anger until she reaches a breaking point. Likewise, a parent who accepts her anger is unlikely to retract disciplinary measures out of guilt; as such, she can provide the consistent boundaries her kids need to feel secure.
4 Easy Ways to Practice Mindful Parenting
1. Allow yourself space to just “be.”
Family life can be noisy, messy, and chaotic – making it difficult to stay calm. As such, many parents benefit from setting aside 15-30 minutes each day to rest in a quiet area.
During this quiet time, take slow, deep breaths, noticing each time you inhale and exhale. (If you need help focusing your attention or tuning out distractions, there are apps and podcasts available to assist with guided meditation.)
2. Practice using the “STOP” method.
STOP stands for “Stop, Take a breath, Observe, and Proceed,” and it’s an excellent tool to use during tense moments with your children. When you feel your frustration level rising, try pausing and breathing deeply while counting to three. Then, objectively observe what’s going on around you (i.e., assess the situation without labeling anyone’s actions or feelings as “good” or “bad”). Finally, consider how to proceed.
3. Accept imperfection.
Children and parents both learn by making mistakes. There will be times when you react to your child’s behaviour despite your best efforts. Similarly, your child will probably grapple with the same conduct problems for weeks or months before he (or she) learns how to make a long-term change. Try to see failure as part of the growth process, rather than viewing it as a source of shame or defeat. Approach your mistakes, and your child’s mistakes, with kindness and compassion.
4. Give your child an age-appropriate amount of agency.
While all kids need rules and boundaries, mindful parents don’t lose sight of the fact that their children are separate beings with their own unique needs and preferences. As your child grows, look for age-appropriate ways to acknowledge his autonomy; e.g., allow him to make safe choices, even if his decisions don’t always align with your values.
What Are the Benefits of Mindful Parenting?
Mindful parenting has a number of research-backed advantages. Studies show that mindful parents use more positive parenting techniques than other parents, and as a result, their children exhibit more constructive behaviours. Some of the potential benefits of mindful parenting include:
- A stronger emotional connection with your children. Mindful parents are typically more aware of their children’s needs and feelings, which helps them build closer relationships with their children.
- An enhanced ability to regulate your emotions. Building robust self-regulation skills facilitates calmer parenting while giving children a working example of how to cope with difficult feelings. Research suggests that the children of mindful parents have heightened impulse control, which improves their social skills and makes them less prone to risky behaviours.
- Greater confidence in your abilities as a parent. By projecting an aura of confidence, mindful parents reassure their children that they’re safe and secure. Mindful parents are also more capable of demonstrating authoritative, decisive leadership. These qualities are crucial to raising confident, mentally healthy kids.
How to Get Help With Mindful Parenting
A large part of parenting mindfully involves addressing emotional triggers, which aren’t always obvious. Some parents have significant difficulty uncovering why they react harshly in certain situations. Others may be aware of their triggers, but still find themselves frequently overwhelmed – no matter how hard they try to stay calm. In these situations, it’s important to reach out for help: Ask for support from friends and family members, particularly in getting more downtime. You should also consider talking to a licensed family therapist, especially if you aren’t sure what’s driving your reactiveness. Through therapy, you can gain the emotional insight you need to break destructive patterns and ultimately preserve your relationship with your children. Remember: Being mindful is all about recognizing your needs, including the need for outside assistance.
