Many parents are reluctant to set limits because they don’t want to upset their children or incite power struggles. However, not establishing clear boundaries is proven to create emotional difficulties for children and make them more challenging to parent. Kids need limits to help them learn how to self-regulate. Without rules, they have no framework for coping with intense feelings, which undermines their resilience – and leads to problems in adulthood.
As parents, we need to adjust the way we interpret boundaries. Instead of viewing limits as inherently negative (i.e., taking something away from your child), try reframing them as a positive opportunity for growth. When you give your child guidelines to follow, you allow him (or her) to practice managing emotions, solving problems, and cooperating with others. These abilities are crucial to forming healthy relationships and pursuing goals later in life.
How Do Kids Benefit From Having Rules?
Giving your child clear limits builds his emotional and cognitive skills while creating a roadmap for success. Some of the primary benefits of having household rules include:
- Improved confidence. When kids have guidelines, they understand exactly how to meet their parents’ expectations. Knowing they please their parents makes them feel competent and valuable, which builds self-esteem.
- Reduced anxiety. Rules and routines make your child’s environment feel more secure and predictable, thereby alleviating stress and uncertainty. Maintaining consistent limits also demonstrates that parents are in charge, so kids don’t feel pressured to take on adult roles or decisions.
- Stronger values. Reinforcing good behaviour through rules teaches your child that his actions impact those around him. This practice strengthens family values like empathy, consideration, and politeness.
- Better boundaries. Kids who grow up in overly permissive households often have difficulty setting limits with others, which can make them vulnerable to bullying and abuse. By setting limits with your child, you’ll show him how to be assertive without being aggressive.
How To Set Age-Appropriate Limits For Your Child
There is, of course, a right way and a wrong way to set limits and boundaries for your child. For rules to be effective, they must be enforceable, consistent, easy to understand, and above all, age-appropriate. If you expect your child to behave in a manner that doesn’t reflect his current stage of development, you’ll set him up for failure. Similarly, holding an older child back with overly restrictive limits hinders the development of confidence and autonomy.
Being clear about your goals is also vitally important. Before you start establishing household rules, clarify what values and behaviours you want to instill in your children. For example, are honesty, politeness, and compassion your top priorities? If so, it makes sense to enforce rules forbidding lying, harming others, and rudeness. Just make sure you’re prepared to model and uphold these values yourself; otherwise, your child will feel like he’s receiving mixed messages and become confused. He may even permit himself to violate the rules based on your example.
Next, consider the schedule and lifestyle you want to create for your family. Rules governing daily habits (such as eating together as a family or finishing homework before playing video games) give life a predictable rhythm and help to prevent unnecessary arguments, as long as they’re enforced consistently by both parents.
Some guidelines for setting age-appropriate boundaries are as follows:
Infants (birth to 12 months old): Though infants are too young to understand rules, they still need structure. To help your baby feel secure, set a schedule for nap time, feeding time, playtime, and bedtime.
Toddlers (one to three years old): Being realistic and flexible is essential when parenting a toddler. Kids in this age bracket have an inherent need to explore coupled with poor impulse control and a limited ability to recognize other points of view. As such, rules for toddlers should accommodate discovery while preventing unsafe behaviour.
Instead of restricting your child's curiosity, place fragile and potentially dangerous objects out of reach so your child can play freely. Then, focus on teaching him (or her) to share possessions and avoid displays of aggression, like hitting or biting.
When you need to correct your toddler, the best approach is to say something simple, such as “No hitting.” (Kids in this age group are still too young to understand verbal lectures or explanations.) Then, redirect your child’s attention to something more positive. If that doesn’t work, remove your child from the triggering situation and let him calm down.
School-age children (six to eleven years old): For kids, entering the school years means facing more complex social and academic demands. As a parent, your role is to reduce the amount of uncertainty in your child’s life by giving him predictable, sensible rules to follow at home. Make sure your child knows what is expected of him each day; e.g., when he’s supposed to complete homework, do chores, go to bed, etc. Kids in this age bracket often benefit from having a schedule printed up and placed somewhere they can easily see it, such as on the fridge.
Adolescents (13 years to 18 years old): During your child’s adolescent years, you should gradually cease overseeing his daily schedule and instead let him choose when he does homework, goes to bed, etc. Stepping back in this manner is necessary to allow your child to learn how to manage his life independently. Instead, create household rules that enforce strong moral values and good conduct.
When parenting a teen, it’s crucial to remember that respect goes both ways. Even when you feel like your child is being distant or challenging your perspective, you should never lecture or belittle him. In the same vein, you should require your child to uphold established standards of behaviour (e.g., not using insults) even when he doesn’t agree with your decisions.
If you feel like your relationship with your teen is becoming strained, collaborating on a “behaviour contract” may be helpful. Teens are often more willing to cooperate when they believe the rules are fair and when their needs are understood. Using this strategy can also prevent arguments from escalating by giving parents and teens clear guidelines for when to call a time out.
When to Get Help Setting Limits
Unfortunately, discipline tends to become increasingly challenging as kids get older, and it isn’t uncommon for serious communication problems to develop during adolescence. If you feel like you’ve “lost control” of your teen, don’t give up – your child still needs your guidance, insight, and support to thrive. A trained professional, such as a licensed family therapist, can help you identify points of difficulty in your family’s dynamic and learn healthier ways to communicate and interact with one another. Once your relationship with your teen is back on track, you can continue helping him (or her) develop into a mature, self-aware, and responsible adult.
