Modern parenting methods typically revolve around a rigid system of enforcing accountability: If a child behaves well, he (or she) is rewarded. If a child behaves badly, he is punished. In theory, this approach is logical enough; we expect our children to learn that their actions have consequences. Furthermore, we expect this knowledge to help them form a natural aversion to harmful behaviours.
Alas, as any parent knows all too well, this system of consequence-based behavioural modification is anything but fail-safe. Sometimes a child gets “stuck” in a certain behaviour pattern, such as refusing to do his homework or get ready for school in a timely manner, and no amount of punishment will convince him to do otherwise. When confronted with situations like this, most parents believe that they either haven’t found the “right” punishment or they aren’t punishing their child “enough.” Seldom do they ever rethink their basic beliefs about punishment itself. This is a shame, because emerging research shows that punishment may be far less necessary than we think it is.
The above is not to suggest that there will never be times when children need consequences, nor should we give up on encouraging our kids to treat us (and others) with respect and consideration. Instead, it’s merely to suggest that punishment should no longer be our first recourse when we confront problem behaviours.
When we punish our children, what we really want them to do is learn self-regulation. However, more often than not, the threat of punishment derails the pursuit of self-regulation by inciting conflict. Sometimes these conflicts spiral into such an out of control battle of wills that neither parent nor child models any self-control at all. Instead, both parties just do a great deal of lasting damage to their relationship. Moreover, the kind of chronic behaviour challenges that incite such lasting friction usually result from a secondary cause (such as a learning disability or behavioural disorder) that cannot be effectively treated via punishment. Instead of getting the help they need, children in this situation start to believe they are just “bad kids,” and this deprives them of any motivation to do better.
Even when there is no deeper issue at play and a child does relent and give in to a parent’s demands after a great deal of nagging, he does so begrudgingly rather than willingly. He learns that we behave well because we have to, not because we want to, and this lesson is obviously far from ideal.
Ultimately, parents must understand that there’s a lot more to learning self-regulation than simply understanding that certain actions have consequences we won’t enjoy. Children, like adults, are much more motivated to behave well when they associate behaving correctly with feeling good (rather than feeling fearful or obligated). Children have an easier time learning self-discipline and self-control when they are given praise, recognition, and appreciation. They are usually more than willing to please a parent who cooperates with them, who plays and works with them, and who does his or her best to repair moments of discord compassionately. In short, when parents are proactive rather than reactive, their children see them as natural—and inspirational—leaders.
At the heart of proactive and compassionate parenting lies a core skill we often take for granted: Listening. Most children resist consequences because they do not feel “heard.” They feel like their parents aren’t willing to listen to their side of the issue and understand things from their point of view. More harmful still, they feel like their parents do not care. The child who refuses to do his homework, for example, may be struggling with an undiagnosed learning disability, or he may feel like his teacher is mistreating him and giving him an unmanageable workload. Children embroiled in conflict with a sibling often feel like their parents always take the other sibling’s “side” without listening to theirs… etc. In order to dismantle the counterproductive cycle of threat and punishment, parents must first create an environment where kids feel comfortable expressing their feelings.
To do the above, it’s essential to first establish a principle of civil discourse. Children should be allowed to debate issues with their parents, but they should be required to be respectful while doing so. There should be rules against swearing, hurling insults, and yelling, for instance. If the child violates these rules, he should be given a simple and brief consequence, such as being told to go cool down for 15 minutes.
If you live in a household where arguments occur often (and usually escalate), we recommend you begin the limit-setting process by making a rule against swearing. Not because swearing is a mortal sin, but because this rule is simple, easy to remember, and gives defiant kids a manageable starting point for learning self-control and respect. The more basic and literal a rule is, the easier it will be for your child to follow… And from there, you can develop his self-regulation skills until he’s ready to implement other strategies for rational dialogue.
Once good communication is established between parent and child, punishment tends to become less and less necessary. When kids feel “heard” and validated, they are better able to resolve their own feelings and look at their actions objectively. They can then see for themselves where they went wrong and, with a little guidance, they can figure out how to do better in the future.
Remember: When your child starts to protest or complain, don’t shut him down. Let him know that you’re listening to him and that you’re glad he’s sharing his feelings with you. Once he’s gotten his frustrations off his chest, his rational brain will once again come “online” and you’ll be able to correct any misconceptions he has calmly and effectively.
Note that once you implement this system of open communication, you’ll have to be your child’s best role model. You’ll have to demonstrate what civil discussion looks like, not only in your dealings with your child, but in your dealings with everyone. Children learn how to handle conflict primarily by watching their parents, so you should always strive to embody the skills you hope to teach.
If open and empathetic communication fails to help your child self-regulate, it’s almost guaranteed that there’s a deeper issue present. If you arrive at this juncture, rather than escalating the situation with threats of punishment, it’s best to consult with a trained mental health professional. Getting to the root cause of your child’s behavioural problems with the aid of an unbiased mediator is the only sure way to correct his course.
