Parenting is one of the most demanding jobs one will ever have. A parent’s desire to do the right thing for their child often surpasses all other wants. Some use the traditional methods that their parents used on them as children, while others do the opposite of their parents and come up with their own parenting approach, or they will use some mixture of both. It will seem like overnight that you have just figured out how to meet the needs of your baby and now must determine how to discipline your child. The unique thing about discipline is that although the desired outcome is the same for each situation, the technique used changes depending on the age, personality, maturity, and needs of the child. There is no one proven solution to disciplining children and how you discipline can impact the integrity and future personality and behavior of the child as an adult. Using consistent and reasonable disciplining will help your child develop an ability for self-regulation and will have a positive effect on their self-esteem.
Punishment is not an answer
The first rule of thumb is to remove the word punishment from your vocabulary. Punishment is something that comes from a place of authority and power instead of understanding and compassion. It might seem to be a small change but by changing the way you think of discipline you can become a much more effective caregiver. Think of each unwanted and wanted behavior as needing a consequence. There are both positive and negative consequences for our actions. This does not mean that consequences are inherently good or bad. Positive consequences are when something is added to the child’s life as a consequence of either wanted or unwanted behavior. This could be giving the child more chores, more responsibilities, or rewards like extra time on video games or a new toy. Negative consequences are those consequences that take away something. This could include taking away toys or privileges and rewards but can also be removing a rule or taking away a chore for the day. Withholding affection or food as a negative consequence in any situation is not appropriate.
Dealing with unwanted behavior
An important decision needs to be made when there is an unwanted behavior. Although you are not able to foresee everything your child might do, you can likely place certain behaviors into categories and have an idea of what consequence to use. An example of this is having four categories that will encompass most unwanted behaviors such as: stealing, lying, violence, and disrespect. Then, determine age appropriate consequences for each category. For a young child who lied you might simply tell them the story of the boy who cried wolf and explain about how lying is harmful. Lying is a normal part of learning self-preservation techniques or using an active imagination in young children. Using a harsh consequence for a normal developmental behavior will likely teach the child to get better at hiding it instead of learning how to control their behavior or learn boundaries. If, though, you are dealing with an adolescent or teen that is lying it is important to give a consequence that fits the crime. Lying about doing homework is not the same as lying about stealing the car. Some lies are told to cover up feelings of inadequacy while others are to cover up bad behavior. It is important to explore the lie, have a conversation about it, and choose a consequence that will result in an outcome that will benefit the child in the future. Yelling, hitting, or isolating the child often leads to the child not feeling safe in admitting when they have done something wrong or asking for help when in need. Every misstep does not need to be met with negative attention. Sometimes natural consequences and an uncomfortable conversation with you are enough to deter bad behaviors in the future.
Motivating your child
The most important part of getting the behavior you want out of your child is to praise them highly whenever you see good behavior. This can be started at any age. Praise is not only for when they make an A+ or graduate from high school. Praise should be a consequence given at any time you catch your child being good. Getting up and making their own breakfast so you can sleep in, getting themselves dressed so you can help a younger sibling, or just being polite can all be reasons to reward your child. Children crave attention but they do not distinguish between attention for being bad or good. If they are ignored, or fly under the radar, until they get into trouble they will learn that unwanted behaviors get your attention. When there is a balance within the child-parent relationship of attentiveness with praise, the likelihood of having the child want to do the right thing increases. This does not mean to allow your child to get away with everything in hopes of them making the right choice next time. What you can do is give your child opportunities to gain trust, independence, and self worth. Set them up for success instead of making parenting about only disciplining bad choices.
It's never too late
Some parents might see this advice as too time consuming or draining. Who has time to watch their child and stop what they are doing to give praise? Well, the work you put into raising a well adjusted and disciplined child will allow you to reap the rewards in the future. Being able to trust your child is much more relaxing than being on edge about the next phone call from school. Not putting the time in to give praise and only punishing the bad choices can have lasting effects on a child. There are inherent issues with using punishment with children of any age. I am using the word “punishment” here to mean giving an unrelated consequence for unwanted behavior without communication or teaching how to get it right the next time. Children who receive corporal punishment, or spanking, are more likely to act out and lie due to fear, anger, and confusion about how to handle themselves in other situations. Being grounded, or sent to their room, is also usually ineffective without guidance or explanation. It is never too late to adjust the way you interact with your child. You must take into consideration that a child’s brain does not fully develop until their early 20’s. Until then, cause and effect thinking is not firmly established. When you ask, “What were you thinking?” and they respond with, “I don’t know!” that is likely the truth. Every bad decision can be a chance to help your child grow into a successful adult.
Image Credits: www.flickr.com/photos/donhomer/9180389610/ and www.flickr.com/photos/vermininc/3535967574/
