Research shows that kids who do chores grow up to be happier, more successful adults. When kids pitch in around the house, they feel competent and valuable, which facilitates the development of healthy self-esteem, confidence, and resilience. Kids also learn practical skills by doing chores, including organizational skills, time management skills, and the ability to complete tasks independently.
Unfortunately, getting kids on board to do housework is often easier said than done – particularly in households where kids didn’t get accustomed to helping out at an early age. Parents may struggle with procrastination, distraction, forgetfulness, or a lack of effort from their kids where chores are concerned. In more extreme cases, kids ignore their parents’ requests for help or refuse to contribute at all.
Though tackling these issues is sometimes complicated, there are proven ways to help your child stay on track with household tasks. Below, we’ll share eight tips for creating a successful chore plan.
1. Make sure your child knows what you expect from him (or her).
Give your child clear, specific instructions for each task you want him to complete. For example, instead of asking him to “clean his bedroom,” tell him to put away his toys, put his dirty clothes in a hamper, and make his bed. (For an older child, you may wish to add additional steps, like vacuuming the floor and organizing shelves and drawers.) Kids who know precisely what they’re supposed to do are less likely to cut corners or argue about when a task should be considered finished.
2. Give your child a timeline for each task.
Create a weekly schedule that details when each chore should begin, approximately how long each task should take, and when it must be completed. Providing a routine will help your child avoid procrastination, both by establishing clear start times and by reassuring him that even big chores are manageable. Because younger children have a poor sense of time, they often overestimate the duration of tasks, which makes them anxious about doing chores. No child wants to lose an entire evening to cleaning his room, for example, so if he knows he can complete the job in under an hour he’ll be a lot less hesitant to get started.
If your child is older than twelve, consider allowing him to choose when he tackles various chores so he can improve his ability to manage time. (Note that older kids with learning disabilities may still need a basic chore schedule, as many learning disabilities delay the development of organizational skills.)
3. Keep tasks age-appropriate.
Young children should be introduced to chores gradually, starting with small, simple tasks that reflect their limited motor skills and short attention span. Examples of appropriate chores for kids under age five include putting toys away in a toy box, putting dirty clothes in a hamper, wiping up spills, and helping with bed-making.
If you aren’t sure whether a chore is age-appropriate for your child, walk him through the task several times, then ask him to try it on his own. If he completes it without difficulty, you can safely add it to his weekly chore list.
4. Tell your child why you value his help.
For kids to derive confidence from doing chores, they need to know they’re contributing to their family's well-being. Kids who understand why they should help out are also more willing to do chores. When kids attach a sense of purpose to their household duties, they become less likely to see chores as a punishment or waste of time. (To maintain this positive point of view, never use chores as a form of discipline.)
Regularly remind your child how his actions improve your quality of life (and make running the household easier), using specific details to illustrate your appreciation. E.g., you might say, “When you unload the dishes for me while I prepare dinner, you help me get dinner ready more quickly – so we all have more time to relax in the evening.”
Whatever you say, make sure your praise is sincere. Kids have an uncanny ability to see through false or misleading statements, and you don’t want your child to feel manipulated into helping out.
5. Allow your child a reasonable amount of time to transition between activities.
Kids often become very engrossed in what they’re doing, whether they’re watching a TV show, playing a video game, or playing outside. As such, they typically respond better to requests for help around the house if they’re given some time to transition between activities. Allow your child at least fifteen minutes of lead-in time before beginning a chore so he doesn’t feel like you’re interrupting him. If your child still has a hard time transitioning between activities, give him half an hour of lead-in time and remind him about the upcoming chore once every ten or fifteen minutes. Limit yourself to three reminders so you don’t get into the habit of nagging your child.
If your child doesn’t respond after your third reminder, use predetermined consequences to show him you’re serious about your request. Nagging is ineffective because kids quickly learn to ignore it, which undermines your authority as a parent.
6. Use cues to signal the beginning of chore time.
For good habits to form, kids need to get into what researchers call the “habit loop.” The habit loop is a psychological pattern comprised of a cue, routine, and reward; the cue initiates the behaviour, the routine maintains it, and the reward reinforces it.
To use cues with your child, try changing into a specific “cleaning outfit” when it’s time to tackle a significant weekly chore (and have your child do the same). You can also ask your children to help you create a weekly playlist of music to listen to while tidying up. Cues don’t have to be elaborate; they just have to be predictable and specific to the chore at hand.
7. Break large jobs down into steps.
Young children and children with attentional difficulties are easily overwhelmed by complex tasks. To ensure your child doesn’t get frustrated or distracted while working on big chores, divide them into smaller steps. Then, write down the individual steps on a series of index cards (or pieces of paper) and give your child one card at a time until he completes the entire job. Use an auditory signal (like a timer or chime) to let your child know when each step should end. If your child has difficulty meeting the deadline for any of the steps you’ve outlined, break that step down into even smaller parts and make sure your child doesn’t have access to any distractions (e.g., the TV, computer, or his mobile phone).
Older kids with good organizational skills also benefit from having large chores broken down into steps. However, they typically prefer to review all of the steps at once so they can plan the activity themselves. For kids over age 8, sit down and discuss the steps involved in a chore, then allow them to write the steps out (in the order they would like to complete them) on a blackboard or piece of paper.
8. Don’t tie chores directly to an allowance.
Receiving a small weekly allowance is good for children because it teaches them how to budget and gives them a sense of autonomy over their purchases. With that being said, tying your child’s allowance to his regular weekly chores isn’t advisable. Your child should pitch in around the house because he wants to contribute to his family's well-being, not because he expects material compensation.
If you give your child an allowance, clearly state that you’re providing it as a privilege because you believe he’s mature enough to start handling money. By the time your child is old enough to receive an allowance (most experts recommend starting an allowance at age six), chores should already be part of his routine – one that he connects with praise and the satisfaction of a job well done, not a monetary reward.
Once your child enters adolescence, you may consider giving him a chance to earn extra money by completing large jobs that aren’t part of his normal chore routine. Teens benefit from tackling challenging paid tasks because it helps them prepare for entering the workforce. This system also teaches teens that if they want additional freedoms (like a vehicle or more money to spend on outings with friends), they must earn them by taking on new responsibilities. Some teens will even leverage this experience to create a part-time job; e.g., if your child discovers that he enjoys mowing the lawn, he may offer to mow lawns in the neighborhood to generate extra income.
What to Do if Your Child Refuses to Help With Chores
Most kids learn to enjoy helping out with housework if they’re given the right conditions to feel successful and empowered. In some cases, however, kids rebel against parental authority by ignoring requests for help or outright refusing to do chores. If this happens in your household, you should take a closer look at your relationship with your child: Have you and your child grown distant from one another? Are there other sources of stress in your household, such as marital or financial tension? Are the relationships between people in your household marred by frequent arguments, criticism, or passive-aggression? Is your parenting style overly permissive or too strict and authoritarian? Any of these factors can cause children to act out and make them less willing to comply with requests.
If you can’t identify a clear reason for your child’s refusal to do chores – or you feel like your child’s defiance is getting out of hand – a visit to a family therapist may be necessary. Sometimes, poor chore compliance is related to a condition that requires medical management, such as ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or anxiety. Your therapist will identify the root cause of your child’s behaviour, suggest treatments, and give you specific strategies to improve the level of cooperation and collaboration in your relationship.
