Temper tantrums are a normal - if frustrating - part of child development. Most children begin throwing tantrums at 12-18 months of age and stop at around age four (hence why the phrase “terrible twos” is often applied to toddlers). Tantrums arise from the emotional challenges kids in this age bracket face, so they shouldn’t be misinterpreted as rebelliousness or the product of flawed parenting.
With that being said, parents must take care to manage tantrums correctly: Kids learn many of their lifelong coping skills during these outbursts, so they need our help to make sure the techniques they adopt are balanced and beneficial. By understanding what drives your child’s behaviour - and knowing how to respond - you can empower him to overcome negative emotions, take charge of the situation, and become more resilient.
Why do Toddlers Throw Tantrums?
Toddlers face unique difficulties that infants and older kids don’t have to deal with. Unlike babies, they understand that they’re separate from their parents, so they crave independence. At the same time, their language and motor skills are still in a rudimentary stage of development, so they have a very hard time communicating what they want and completing tasks on their own. As a result, toddlers are prone to fits of frustration because they can’t consistently articulate their desires or meet their own needs without help.
Kids in this age group are also typically dealing with negative feedback for the first time: As toddlers begin exploring the world around them, they engage in behaviours that aren’t always acceptable to their parents (such as climbing, touching, or throwing things that are off limits), so they frequently hear words like “No,” “Bad,” and “Stop!” This criticism can add to their sense of being limited and make them feel unfairly penalized.
Making matters worse, toddlers have stronger, more complex feelings than infants, but they don’t yet have the skills needed to regulate or articulate them. Behaviours like crying, kicking, screaming, hitting, and biting therefore serve as an outlet for their intense emotions. Though these actions can appear violent, they represent deep emotional pain and signify a need for help, so they shouldn’t be punished harshly.
Are There Different Types of Tantrums?
Tantrums come in two main varieties: Emotional and intentional. Emotional tantrums are chaotic storms of feeling that occur when a young child is angry, sad, disappointed, scared, or frustrated. Intentional tantrums happen when kids act out because they believe doing so will help them achieve a goal.
Kids under age four don’t have the planning or reasoning skills needed to throw intentional tantrums. When toddlers have a meltdown, it always indicates that the emotional area of the brain (the limbic system) has been hyper-activated to the point of overpowering rational thought. This means that if your two-year-old throws a fit in the store because he can’t have a candy bar, he’s not trying to coerce you into changing your mind, even if it looks that way. He’s genuinely extremely upset because his desires have been denied, and he’s lost control of himself as a result.
With kids over age four, tantrums may be either emotional or intentional in nature. School-aged kids are still learning how to manage their feelings, so like toddlers, they sometimes lose control. However, if an older child has been repeatedly taught that throwing tantrums is a good way to get what he wants, he’ll probably also engage in this behaviour on purpose. (Still, it’s important to be aware that intentional tantrums can become emotional tantrums. When this happens, your priority should be helping your child calm down without giving in to his demands.)
To differentiate an intentional tantrum from an emotional tantrum, you’ll need to pay close attention to your child’s facial expression and body language. Children in the midst of an emotional tantrum display an obvious look of pain on their faces, and they will often break down crying during or after their meltdown. Kids throwing intentional tantrums may hit, stomp, or throw things, but their faces won’t display the same level of genuine distress. They’re also more aware of their surroundings than kids having emotional tantrums, and they may try to negotiate with you rather than appearing unresponsive to communication.
The Importance of Managing Tantrums with Care
Though emotional tantrums look like random outbursts, they have a vital role to play in shaping your child’s brain. Every time your toddler throws a tantrum, his brain forms new neural pathways based on the feedback he receives and the skills he learns. Over time, these pathways form a network that controls how your child responds to stress, including how well he can manage negative emotions and how comfortable he feels asserting his needs. Kids whose tantrums are met with harsh punishments or anger typically struggle with assertiveness and may internalize negative emotions later in life, which can lead to depression, anxiety, and behavioural issues. When a child’s tantrums are handled with care, on the other hand, they become valuable vehicles for learning social skills and honing problem-solving abilities.
8 Ways to Help Your Child Cope with Tantrums
1. Give your child simple choices.
Breaking problems down into small, simple choices can sometimes alleviate tantrums before they begin. If your child doesn’t want to get dressed, for instance, you can try asking him whether he wants to put his socks or his shirt on first. Questions like these make big tasks appear more manageable while reactivating the rational, problem-solving part of a child’s brain.
2. Use distractions.
Distractions, like simple choices, can sometimes circumvent intense emotions and help kids think more rationally. When you see your child getting very upset, try offering him a snack, singing him a funny little song, or pointing out something interesting outside. Distractions like these divert your child’s attention away from what’s making him unhappy and raise his curiosity, thereby encouraging him to think more logically.
3. Don’t try to reason with your child once a tantrum has started.
In the midst of a full-blown tantrum, your child’s brain cannot process anything other than emotions. Attempting to reason with your child, lecturing him, or asking him questions about his feelings will only overwhelm him further and make the tantrum worse. Before you talk to your child about the events that upset him, wait for him to calm down completely.
4. Be affectionate with your child.
Giving your child a hug can trigger the release of calming hormones, like oxytocin, along with establishing a sense of safety and security. Physical affection is therefore usually the best way to shorten the duration of tantrums, provided that you’re calm and your child is willing to be hugged. (If you’re anxious or angry, your child will pick up on the tension in your body.)
If your child doesn’t feel ready for a hug, you can try using verbal affection to reassure him: Use simple phrases like, “I’m sorry you’re upset,” or “I can see that really frustrated you,” to let your child know you empathize with his feelings.
5. Model calm control.
The way you handle your emotions when your child is upset will teach him as much as the advice you give him, if not more. If you react to your child’s tantrums with anger, he’ll learn that anger is the best way to handle difficult emotions and situations. Conversely, if you stay calm and upbeat, your child will see that obstacles can be overcome without succumbing to negative feelings.
Part of modelling calm control is knowing how to maintain boundaries in a way that’s positive and loving, but still firm. When your child is upset, acknowledge his frustration, then let him know why you can’t permit him to do what he wants. For example, you might say, “I’m sorry you’re so upset, but I can’t let you have cake before dinner. You can have some after dinner.”
No matter how vehemently your child disagrees with your decision, don’t give in to his wishes: If you intermittently reinforce bad behaviour, you’ll teach your child that he can eventually get his own way if he’s persistent enough. This can lead to kids throwing intentional tantrums when they’re older.
6. Don’t punish your child unless it’s absolutely necessary.
Emotional tantrums are the byproduct of intense, painful feelings. If you punish your child because he’s in pain, he’ll learn that he can’t trust you to be there for him when he needs you the most. (Note that punishment is not the same as setting boundaries. Punishment involves additional corrective measures, like removing privileges or sending a child to his room.)
Kids who don’t feel free to share painful feelings with their parents often become defiant or overly compliant, which can create social and academic problems later in life. In extreme cases, kids whose feelings of distress are ignored or rejected lose the ability to express themselves normally (e.g., through crying or verbally sharing their feelings). This often contributes to the development of serious mental health issues during adulthood.
In addition to not yelling at your child or scolding him when he’s having a meltdown, you should use time-outs carefully. If you need to remove your child from a distressing situation and take him to his room, stay there with him until he feels better. (If that isn’t possible, let him know you’ll be close by if he needs you.) Time-outs shouldn’t be a period of forced isolation; they should be a tool to give kids the space they need to calm down within a supportive environment.
7. Build your child’s vocabulary.
When your child has completely calmed down after a tantrum, talk to him about what happened. Once you’ve identified what set off his outburst, you can give him words he can use to solve the problem and express his feelings the next time he’s frustrated.
Narrating the sequence of events that led up to the tantrum is another useful technique to help your child understand his feelings, attach words to them, and create more neural pathways for self-regulation. When you narrate, feel free to describe how you felt during your child’s tantrum, too. Mentioning your feelings will show your child that it’s normal to experience difficult emotions, but those emotions can be effectively controlled with the right techniques. It will also encourage your child to think about the way his actions affect other people.
8. Understand tantrum triggers.
In addition to being triggered by negative emotions like frustration and sadness, tantrums can occur when a child is hungry, tired, or over-stimulated. A big part of preventing tantrums therefore lies in avoiding triggers whenever possible: Make sure your child has a consistent schedule that provides enough time for daily naps, snacks, and quiet play.
When are Tantrums a Cause for Concern?
Every child is his own individual, so it’s normal for some kids to experience more severe or frequent tantrums than others. You may have one child who responds readily to hugs, distractions, or simple choices, and another who needs to vent for a while before he can calm down. Usually, these differences in temperament are nothing to worry about, though “tantrum-prone” kids may need more guidance to learn optimal self-regulation skills.
There are, however, rare instances where excessive tantrums do indicate an underlying issue. You should contact your child’s physician or a mental health professional if he meets any of the following criteria:
- His tantrums keep getting worse after age four.
- Your child frequently hurts himself or others or destroys property when he’s upset.
- Your child holds his breath during tantrums (especially if he does so to the point of fainting).
- Your child displays other symptoms of chronic anxiety, such as recurrent nightmares, regression, appetite or sleep changes, an extreme fear of being alone, or frequent headaches or stomachaches.
With the right care and guidance, even the most emotionally volatile children can learn ways to moderate their feelings. During adulthood, the skills your child learned through managing his tantrums will help him resolve conflicts amicably, overcome personal and professional setbacks, and find healthy ways to channel frustration and disappointment.
