Few things about children baffle parents and teachers as much as sudden meltdowns. Sometimes a child is generally caring, gregarious, and insightful, but the moment she becomes frustrated by a task, fireworks begin. If this only happens occasionally, it’s probably nothing to worry about. When it happens frequently, however, it can lead to problems with learning and socialization.
If your child struggles with chronic meltdowns, the first thing to understand is that they’re generally not as sudden and unpredictable as they look. When a child goes from being happy and engaged to screaming within mere moments, it’s usually the result of bottled-up tension. She probably encountered a number of frustrating tasks or situations throughout the day, but she overlooked the cues that she was angry. Finally, something pushed her a bit too far and all of that stored anger came tumbling out.
The problem here isn’t the child or her temperament; it’s a lack of mindfulness and frustration management skills. Most adults realize when their buttons are being pressed and know to take a time out to decompress. Children, on the other hand, often don’t recognize the signs that tension is building within them… And when the anger hits, they have no idea what to do about it. That’s why it’s so important for parents to proactively teach frustration tolerance. The earlier a child learns how to deal with frustration, the easier it will be for her to succeed both academically and socially. After all, it’s much easier to focus when you’re not being derailed by frequent, intense emotional storms.
4 Ways To Teach Your Child Frustration Tolerance
1. Tell your child to pay attention to what her body is telling her.
Because young children often don’t think to make a connection between their bodies and their feelings, it’s a good idea to try “body mapping” with your child. First, this exercise requires that you or your child draw an outline of a person. Once this is complete, you should ask your child to think about all the places on her body that feel different when she’s angry. If your child gets stuck, give her prompts, such as asking if her heart races or her fists clench when she gets mad. Each time you and your child identify an area of the body that’s affected by stress, your child should colour it in on the body map.
Simple as this exercise may seem, it can do a great deal to help your child start making the right mind-body connections. She will then be better able to recognize the signs of frustration before her emotions get the better of her.
2. Help your child discover her triggers.
Different children are frustrated by different things. Your child’s outbursts may be driven by an underdeveloped ability to adapt to change, social anxiety, academic frustration, or physical factors like tiredness or hunger. By helping your child understand her triggers, you can disambiguate her anger and help her figure out specific, effective coping strategies that tackle its root causes.
To discover what’s setting off your child’s meltdowns, try keeping a “frustration diary.” Record what’s going on each time your child has an outburst, including what time of day it is. You should include context (what was happening just before she acted out) as well as details about the actual event. This can help you to identify patterns in your child’s behaviour.
3. Give your child the opportunity to vent healthily.
Most children scream and throw things because they don’t know how else to cope with angry feelings. Sometimes this tendency can be averted (at least to a degree) if you provide your child with alternative ways of “venting” her emotions. Asking her to list all the things that are making her mad when she’s having a hard day, for example, can encourage her to express herself verbally. For added impact, write down the list while empathizing with your child and telling her that it’s okay to be angry about the things that are upsetting her. When she’s done venting, let her tear up the list to her heart’s content and then throw the tiny pieces away. This symbolic gesture can do a lot to dispel pent-up tension.
4. Teach your child proper deep breathing techniques.
Deep breathing can powerfully combat anger and frustration, but only when it’s done right. Most young children need to be taught how to slow down their breathing (while they’re calm) through the use of counting and positive visualizations. Counting to three while imagining inhaling a favourite scent, for example, can help your child both pace her breathing and relax her mind.
You can also instruct your child to visualize a red stop light when she starts getting angry (note that if she struggles to do this effectively at first, making a stoplight out of cardboard that she can reference when she gets mad can help). Ask her to picture a traffic light changing to red before pausing, breathing deeply, and thinking of possible solutions to the problem at hand. You should encourage your child to consider asking for help when she’s thinking of solutions, too—many young children have trouble thinking of ways to calm down on their own. Once your child has a possible solution in mind, she should picture the light turning green again before she proceeds.
Once your child learns to master frustration tolerance, she’ll start to feel calmer, more confident, and more in control of herself and her life. The result of this is usually higher overall self-esteem and better decision-making capabilities—qualities that will empower her to live a happy, successful life.