The way children react to stimuli is determined by both their genetics and their environment. Research conducted on identical twins has shown that about half of our traits are inherited, giving us our own intrinsic way of looking at the world. Neurodevelopmental disorders, like Autism and ADHD, can also contribute to the formation of prominent innate behaviours. If your child is unusually sensitive or reactive, you therefore shouldn’t assume you’re doing something “wrong” as a parent. In all likelihood, your child simply has a sensitive temperament, or his personality is being modulated by special needs.
Even if you aren’t the cause of your child’s tendency to get emotionally overwhelmed, there’s a lot you can do to help him manage his strong feelings. Learning how to identify sensitivity and communicate effectively with your child can go a long way towards teaching him mindfulness and self-regulation skills.
What Does Sensitivity in Kids Look Like?
Sensitivity manifests in a number of different ways. In addition to being quick to cry or tantrum, sensitive kids tend to react to criticism and setbacks more intensely than other children. If your child is very sensitive, even gentle corrections and small mishaps may lead to tearful explosions and hurt feelings. Your child might storm out of the room if you ask him to handle an object more carefully, get ready for school more quickly, etc. He may push away tasks in frustration if he doesn’t excel at them immediately and stubbornly refuse to try again. Most sensitive kids need more time to warm up to unfamiliar people and situations, too.
5 Ways to Help Your Child Manage Strong Emotions
Dealing with a sensitive child can be challenging; parents often feel like there’s nothing they can say or do that won’t hurt their child’s feelings. With patience and the right techniques, however, it’s possible to not only reach your child, but also help him moderate his emotions. To assist your sensitive child in becoming calmer and more resilient, try implementing the parenting strategies below:
1. Remain calm when interacting with your child.
Staying calm around someone who is highly emotional—whether that person is a child or adult—can be very difficult. Our brains contain mirror neurons that reflect the feelings of those around us, so it’s normal to get sad or frustrated when your child is experiencing challenging emotions.
You can’t stop your brain from reacting the way it does, but you can learn how to accept negative emotions, process them, and let them go (without becoming reactive in the process). When your child is acting out, step back, take a deep breath, and observe your feelings of frustration. Breathe out, then verbally acknowledge how your child is feeling, such as by saying, “I can see you’re very upset right now; that’s okay.” Use very simple, direct language when you speak to your child about his emotions; don’t “over explain” the situation or attempt to get to the root of his unhappiness right away. Lengthy discourse will only confuse your child and possibly upset him even more.
It’s also important to put your child’s words and actions into perspective: Kids tend to say things they don’t mean and act out in irrational ways. This doesn’t mean that your child is really angry at you simply for asking him a question or reminding him how to behave. Instead, this sort of behaviour is your child’s way of communicating the fact that he’s overwhelmed. Don’t react to his actions in like kind; avoid shouting at your child, escalating consequences, or otherwise inflaming the situation. Calmly enforce established limits (e.g., no hitting, name-calling, or throwing things) while assuring your child that you sympathize with his feelings.
2. Don’t discuss the situation while your child is very upset.
When children are upset, their “primal brain” takes over, completely circumventing rational thought. Trying to reason with your child while he’s having a tantrum is therefore generally pointless: Your child will only hear additional noise; he won’t process what you’re actually saying. This extra auditory input can actually make tantrums worse by contributing to your child’s state of sensory overload. Children usually need a “time out” in which to calm down before they can internalize new information. Before you talk to your child about his actions, let him cool off in a quiet place, like his room.
3. Keep discussions factual.
Once your child has calmed down, review what happened in a logical and objective way. Don’t apply labels to your child or admonish him; instead, lay out the facts of the situation and try to discover why he reacted the way he did. For instance, you might say: “When I asked you to hurry up and get ready for school, you got very upset. Did you think I was mad at you?” If your child confirms that he felt criticized, explain that you were only trying to help him arrive on time.
You should also make sure your child knows that sometimes, our emotions cause us to misinterpret what others are saying. Existing frustration or self-doubt can cause us to hear disapproval where none actually exists. Understanding this difference between perception and reality will encourage your child to “step back” and reassess his feelings and reactions.
4. Focus on your child’s successes.
When you’re communicating with a sensitive child, ending discussions on a positive note is particularly important. Reminding your child of his past successes will help him realize that it’s possible to overcome setbacks. As your child tries to move beyond a challenging situation, talk to him about times he faced—and overcame—similar hurdles. Ask him what he learned from conquering those obstacles, then explore ways he could apply that knowledge in the present.
5. Make sure your child knows you’re on his team.
Sensitive kids often feel confused and alone as they struggle to manage their intense emotions. Periodically reminding your child that you’re always there to listen to him, compassionately and without judgment, will provide him with a solid foundation to fall back on. Having this sense of safety will go a long way towards easing the anxiety associated with deep sensitivity.
You should also do your best to accept and respect your child’s preferences (where possible). Emotionally sensitive kids frequently experience sensory sensitivity, too, which can result in strong likes and dislikes. Your child may have limited tastes in food or clothing, be easily overwhelmed by bright or noisy environments, and prefer solitary play. Help your child remain comfortable by working within his limits, and when you need to introduce him to something new, do so slowly.
Heightened sensitivity can occur for a wide variety of reasons, ranging from natural temperament to giftedness or the presence of a learning or developmental disorder. If your child is still struggling profoundly to manage his extreme reactions by age six, you should consider having him assessed by a medical professional. Finding the root cause of your child’s sensitivity can help him—and you—minimize the downsides of this trait while maximizing its potential. With time and the right behavioural therapies, your child’s astute emotional awareness will become a wellspring of insight and
