Other than seeing harm come to their children, what’s every parent’s worst nightmare? For most, it’s feeling out of control—that helpless, sickening feeling that arises when a child simply refuses to comply, no matter what you do.
The majority of parents only have to deal with defiant behaviour of this caliber occasionally, or as part of a normal developmental phase (such as the rebelliousness that accompanies the preteen years). For others, however, it’s an entrenched part of everyday life. The parents of especially rebellious children and children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder in particular must deal with frequent power struggles.
Different parents have different ways of reacting to chronic opposition: Some will ignore it, some will escalate consequences until they reach unrealistic proportions, and others will use physical force (though they should not). Unfortunately, few parents take the time to really understand control—i.e., why they want it so badly and how the struggle for it is impacting their relationship with their child. This leaves them vulnerable to a toxic cycle wherein the fight for power becomes more important than the child’s actual behaviour: Parents refuse to budge on even minor issues and their defiant child digs his (or her) heels in that much deeper. Once this happens, all hope of communication and resolution is (at least temporarily) lost.
Understanding Why Parents Desire Control
Control is one of the great paradoxes of being a parent: Most parents once hated being controlled as much as their children do… Yet they desire to exert the very same control they loathed in their own parents. They should know, from their childhood experiences, that too much force can encourage opposition. So, why do they wish to wield it? The factors below often come into play:
- Pressure from peers and society. When a child acts out of control, other people are quick to blame that child’s parents—whether that is fair or not. Many parents therefore succumb to the pressure to get their child under control because they feel personally ashamed over their child’s behaviour.
- Fear. Parents of highly rebellious children often fear what will happen to their children if they cannot be brought in line. They assume that just because their child is extremely headstrong, he’s sure to make bad and dangerous choices later in life—even if he’s never been shown to put himself at risk intentionally.
- A need for dominance. We are all human and therefore prone to a very human desire to win. In fact, feeling out of control is one of the foremost reasons people seek control in any situation. Unfortunately, in a parent-child relationship this can lead to destructive battles of wills where nobody really “wins.”
- A sense of duty. Parents often feel that it’s their “job” to control their children. They feel that if they fail to do this job well, their children will be worse off as a result. This is, however, not correct; it’s a parent’s job to act as a guide and mentor. Controlling another human being is, after all, impossible; we can only influence those around us.
Finding Balance: What Parents Can—And Can’t—Control
Rather than succumbing to the unhealthy emotional extremes described above, parents of defiant children are advised to seek balance. While it’s true that all children need some limits and boundaries, it’s just as true that there are things parents simply cannot control. Knowing the difference between what can be controlled and what cannot be controlled can save a parent from years of frustration and heartache. Some general guidelines are offered below:
Things you can control as a parent:
- You can control your expectations—and make your child aware of them. Do not “adjust” your expectations reactively; for a calmer and more controlled environment, keep your expectations consistent and voice them clearly.
- You can control how often your child is given opportunities to meet your expectations. Letting your child know that it’s okay to leave the room or go talk to a friend if he is getting angry, for example, will give him the opportunity to correct his behaviour. Simply yelling, “Calm down!” the moment he starts to get cross will not.
- You can control what the consequences are for bad behaviour and whether or not your child is aware of them. As is the case when setting expectations, consistency is key in this area. Do not escalate consequences at will.
- You can control yourself. Avoid the temptation to become reactive or hostile. Set a good example for your child to follow. The more you remain in control of yourself, the more you will feel in control of the situation—regardless of how your child behaves.
Things you can’t control as a parent:
- Your child’s behaviour. You cannot control when and where your child lashes out. You cannot control how he handles his anger—you can only make suggestions. You cannot force him to agree with you. But remember, your child cannot control you, either; it’s up to you whether or not you react unfavourably to his behaviour.
- Other people’s perceptions of you and your child. Yes, it’s true, there are people who will always think that parents—no matter the circumstances—should be able to miraculously exert control over their children. They will not understand how behavioural disorders like ODD work; most of them won’t even try to. Ultimately, you have to let this go; what really matters is salvaging your relationship with your child, not the perceptions of strangers and acquaintances.
Going Forward
Keep in mind that for a child with ODD, being controlled feels like being drowned or suffocated. You should try, as much as you can, to empathize with how he feels—not to the point that you forsake all boundaries, but enough that he feels “heard” and understood. By nurturing a bond of trust with your defiant child, you can build a happier and healthier relationship over time.
