Anger is a notoriously infectious emotion, easily setting off the desire to react in like kind. Many of us were not taught how to effectively deal with anger during our own childhoods, so when we experience anger in a child, we struggle to react in the way we feel we ought to. Keeping ourselves calm and judicious may prove possible, but it's almost always draining, distressing, and confusing.
The internal conflict that surges when dealing with a child's anger likely arises from the fact that most of us were taught to believe that being angry was “bad”, and that we should be ashamed of ourselves for expressing it. If one can dismantle this notion, dealing with anger in children becomes much easier; immediately, the goal is shifted away from having to repress or destroy angry feelings, and toward accepting them and learning to channel them into something constructive. Far from being draining, this approach often proves invigorating, even inspiring, for child and caregiver alike.
Begin by simply allowing the angry child to feel his or her feelings fully; accept the feelings, treat them with respect, avoid undue alarm (outbursts are not always, or even often, indicative of some serious underlying problem), and then begin to lead the child in developing acceptable ways of expressing his or her feelings.
In order to help a child cope with an outburst, it's vital to understand what triggered it. Anger tends to well up as a defensive response to emotions such as fear and sorrow; it is often a frustrated reaction to feelings of failure, low self-esteem, anxiety, helplessness (defiant rages are most often a reaction to feelings of dependency), and isolation. It's likewise important to remember that children are less able to identify and voice sadness than adults, so they are, in general, more prone to anger.
Before tackling an aggressive and/or angry outburst:
- Distinguish between anger and aggression. Anger seldom contains any real malicious intent (such as deliberately setting out to harm someone or damage property); it's usually just frustration that's overwhelmed the child.
- Remember not to treat anger and aggression like they are bad words. Anger and aggression can be perfectly normal sensations, so it's important not to stigmatize them as automatically indicative of emotional problems.
- Remind yourself not to treat anger like something to punish; treat angry children like individuals in need of protection, and try to reach them emotionally before reacting with repercussions. Give the child the opportunity to find a better way of expressing his or her feelings, making suggestions for methods that he or she can understand.
Strategies for Managing Anger in Children
The following strategies, inspired by advice contained within The Aggressive Child by Fritz Redl and David Wineman book, provide a great deal of insight into how to both prevent and manage outbursts in children:
1. In order for children to understand the difference between bad and good behaviours—and ascertain which are ultimately more rewarding—they need to fully understand what they are doing right, not simply what they are doing wrong. Ergo, it's vitally important to point out to a child what behaviours please you, to actively catch him or her in the act of being good. Simple things like the child hanging up his or her coat without being reminded, or helping to set the table without being asked, should be noted and praised.
The human mind is wired to require validation; providing that validation for positive behaviours, rather than negative ones, is a highly effective means of ensuring a child seeks out attention in the right ways, rather than via frustrated outbursts. In the same vein, one should intentionally avoid validating inappropriate behaviours; if a behaviour can be tolerated, simply ignore it in a planned, consistent way. This does not, however, mean you should ignore the child; simply avoid giving recognition to the behaviour, after the initial affirmation that it is not appropriate.
2. Lead by example. Children learn primarily by observing the adults around them, so modelling appropriate behaviour is an excellent way to teach children what to do, and what not to do. It's also an excellent way to respond to outbursts, as it does not escalate them.
3. Ensure that children have plentiful physical outlets. Children have an immense amount of energy, and pent-up energy can quickly turn into frustration and anger. Provide children with frequent opportunities for physical exercise and movement, and ensure such opportunities are present at school as well.
4. Set up the surroundings to discourage aggressive behaviour; if certain activities seem to trigger it, provide viable, enjoyable substitutes. Keep the environment around the child calm and eschew too many confining rules.
5. Try to defuse outbursts through touch. Touch is often calming to children (though not always, e.g. if your child is highly sensitive, be sure to know the individual child and his or her needs and always put those first); start by moving physically closer to the child and expressing a calm interest in what he or she is doing, and see how the child responds. This is particularly effective for those times where a child is about to use something (such as a toy) destructively; ask the child to show you the object instead. If a child is frustrated with a task, or stuck while trying to learn something, calmly asking the child to show you exactly which parts of the task or material he or she is struggling with will often alleviate the child's anger (as it dismantles the child's sense of helplessness and reduces the size of the problem).
6. If you know the child is comfortable with touch, try spontaneously showing affection, such as giving an impulsive hug, and see if that defuses the outburst.
7. Use humour. Adults often use humour to lighten tense situations between one another, but this approach is less frequently employed when dealing with a tense child. This is a shame, as children often respond well to such an approach, as it allows them a way to “save face” by joking off their tantrum. (Note, however, that one should never tease a child, and sarcasm is best avoided.)
8. Appeal to the child's compassion by explaining how the outburst is affecting you; e.g. calmly telling the child that usually you don't mind them making noise, but that you have a headache that day, so could the child please find something else enjoyable to engage in?
9. Once you have assessed the trigger for the outburst, try to explain that trigger to the child, helping him or her to understand where the sudden frustration came from. Once the child understands why the outburst happened, it becomes easier to react to it in an appropriate, focused way. Build on this by giving the child suggestions for better ways to express the anger.
10. Employ physical restraint when needed, but do it in a non-judgemental way. Sometimes children lose control to such an extent that they need it enforced, gently, by an external agent. This does not have to be harsh or shameful for the child to endure, and may even help them “save face” in the situation. Try to ensure children know being restrained and removed from a scene is not equivocal to punishment, it is just you helping them to avoid doing something they must not do.
11. Make sure children feel capable and valued, see their strengths, and have goals to work towards—this sets up a solid foundation for them channelling their energy constructively. Also teach children to look forward to future pleasurable events, and emphasize that these are more likely to happen if the child behaves positively.
12. Set clear limits and boundaries and enforce them consistently. This not only helps to limit negative behaviours, but also provides clear structure in the child's environment, engendering feelings of safety and security.
13. Remember that discipline should do two things: Defuse tense situations, and educate the child. They should not be used in a way that is hostile, and they should not be physical in nature.
14. Teach children how to vocalize their angry feelings, such as by encouraging a child to say, “I don't like you taking that toy away; I don't feel like sharing it right now.”
Understanding Effective Discipline
To be effective, discipline must create an atmosphere that is calm yet firm, that has clear parameters, and that instills conscientiousness while using reasoning as a guide. Discipline that is harsh or out of scale with the situation, which attacks the person rather than the behaviour, is seldom effective; it's simply impossible to teach a child a behaviour is wrong through engaging in wrong behaviour. The difference between right and wrong must be shown, first and foremost.
Children need to be respected by those who are administering discipline, as they must be educated by the process to respect themselves. Only through first respecting themselves will children learn to properly respect others.
Always remember to treat children as worthy, individual human beings with feelings, needs, and valid, valuable opinions. To get the best out of people, we must always begin by believing the best of them.
Image Credit: Darrell J. Rohl (flickr.com/photos/sokabs/2668975758/)
