Understanding Emotional Complexity of a Gifted Child

Dr. Tali Shenfield | July 9, 2016

Too often, the emotional side of giftedness is overlooked; for all that we laud the intellectual complexity of giftedness, seldom do we contemplate—let alone praise—the emotional depth and complexity that accompanies it.

The added emotional complexity of gifted children manifests in many different ways. It cannot be said that gifted children simply feel “more” than their non-gifted counterparts; instead, it is more accurate to say that they feel differently. They can experience a vast range of emotions—sometimes all at once—and they experience these emotions with an intensity that suggests they feel in a way that is uniquely all-encompassing. To a gifted child, the world is a vivid and wholly absorbing place, and the gifted child's drive to experience all that he perceives around him is strong to the point of being almost overwhelming.

This emotional intensity is expressed in ways every bit as complicated as it is felt:

- Feelings are amplified in their intensity: Positive feelings such as joy and love, as well as negative feelings like sorrow and anger, are especially strong, and sometimes both positive and negative feelings may entwine together or erratically “see-saw” back and forth.

- Emotions are often felt somatically: Stomach issues, a sinking or racing heart, blushing, and headaches may all arise from intense emotions, and do so more easily and frequently than what is typically seen in non-gifted individuals.

- Greater self-consciousness: With being more emotionally aware comes the downside of often being more conscious of one's self, how one may appear to others or affect them. This can lead to greater inhibition, or shyness, and if left unchecked, can result in feelings of inferiority due to frequent self-criticism.

- Keen affective memory: Gifted children often more acutely recall emotional events and may tend to relive and "re-feel" them for a long while after they occur.

- Heightened anxiety: This includes a predisposition toward worry and guilt, and may also lead to feelings of being out of control.

- Depression and a morbid awareness of one's own mortality: Many gifted children contemplate topics related to death and loss at a young age when they are not ready to cope with these thoughts, which often leads to existential fears, pessimism, and hopelessness.

- Strong empathy and attachments to others: Gifted children are easily concerned for others (animals as well as people), and often demonstrate heightened sensitivity in relationships. They often attach so strongly that they become “clingy” and prone to loneliness. These qualities usually lead to conflicts if not properly understood.

 

These emotional traits are very common in gifted children, in fact, we even use them to detect giftedness in the online gifted screening test. Manifestations of emotional complexity are frequently misread as signs of emotional instability, largely due to the entrenched belief in Western society that suggests the emotions and the intellect are separate and even contradictory entities. Emotions—in gifted and non-gifted alike—are all too often treated as liabilities to be regulated, tamed, and ultimately controlled.

Adhering to this short-sighted and hopelessly limited view, many people overlook the fact that it is our joys and passions which so often fuel our desire to exercise our intellectual capabilities, to learn and to create great works. Likewise, ignoring this aspect of giftedness often leads to gifted children feeling alienated, like they are “crazy”, and as such they wind up embroiled in intense inner conflicts which distract them from reaching their fullest potential as individuals. Ergo, to try to remove emotional complexity from the experience of giftedness can be seen as tantamount to undermining giftedness itself.

Gifted children should instead be taught to see their heightened sensitivity and intensity as being a normal, acceptable, and explicable part of who they are. Those around the child should also be taught to see the child's emotional schema as normal for him or her, and to not ridicule the gifted child for reacting strongly to things they deem trivial in nature. (Ideally, all children should be taught to see sensitivity as a heightened ability, rather than a weakness.)

Through creating such an environment of nurturing and acceptance, we can teach gifted children to accept their emotions, thus (hopefully) preventing them from feeling isolated, depressed, and overly self-critical.

All of this is not to suggest, of course, that gifted children should be treated as no more than “fragile flowers”, too delicate to discipline or criticize in any way. While discipline should take their unique natures into account, it should be exercised appropriately and as needed. Gifted children—even more than other children—require the structure and security that calm and consistent discipline provides. Just be sure to explain to the gifted child why the rules are what they are; gifted children have a very hard time following rules that they cannot intellectually see the “point” of.

In addition to providing appropriate discipline, be sure to encourage your child to open up emotionally (a rating scale of 1-10 for various emotions may help gifted children to express and understand the intensity of their feelings); when he or she does open up, practice “active listening” and do not judge, interrupt, or moralize. Similarly, never attempt to invalidate or minimize a child's emotions simply because you find them too intense—reassure the child instead, and help him or her to find healthy ways of venting these extreme emotions.

Parents can do a lot to mitigate self-critical tendencies by not overemphasizing academic achievement or otherwise rewarding the child for results rather than honest effort. Do not expect flawless performance or adult levels of responsibility from a child simply because he or she is gifted, and be sure to focus on his or her strengths more than weaknesses.

Remember, too, that it is normal to struggle with raising a gifted child; rather than reacting to your own natural frustrations, seek out information, advice, or professional counselling as need be (for you and your child).

Through actioning all that is described above, you can effectively help your gifted child to not only accept his or her rich inner world, but to embrace and enjoy it as well. This will in turn empower gifted children to fully explore their unique capabilities, to flourish and to achieve throughout their lives.

 

 

 

About Tali Shenfield

Dr. Tali Shenfield holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Toronto and is a licensed school and clinical psychologist. She has taught at the University of Toronto and has worked at institutions including the Hospital for Sick Children, Hincks-Dellcrest Centre, TDSB, and YCDSB. Dr. Shenfield is the Founder and Clinical Director of Advanced Psychology Services.

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