Most parents are consistently seeking to strike a balance where discipline is concerned. They don’t want to be too lenient and raise a child who has no sense of consequence or boundaries. On the other hand, they understand that being too harsh tends to incite rebellion. Unfortunately, there is no rule-book that tells parents when their children are being outright disrespectful, so this sensible middle ground often proves elusive. Some parents are governed by their anxiety and react every time their teen rolls her eyes, fearing that this will lead to increasingly hostile behaviours. Others look the other way even when their child directly insults them, believing that ignoring the problem will stop it from escalating. Neither of these approaches tends to have the desired result: The smothered teen will push aggressively for freedom while the ignored child will act out even more in an attempt to get his parents’ attention.
Dealing with disrespectful behaviour appropriately—without either over-reacting or under-reacting—begins with learning how to identify when behaviour is truly and harmfully disrespectful. For many parents, knowing where natural frustration ends and disrespect begins is challenging. Is a child who stomps his feet and slams the door when he’s ordered to go up to his room, for example, expressing anger at the situation, or is he deliberately trying to undermine parental authority? Should the child face further consequences for his outburst, or should he be left alone to cool down? Where do you, as a parent, draw the line?
There are, of course, no easy answers to the above questions, but there are some general guidelines parents can employ to identify behaviour that is indeed hurtful, rude, and demeaning.
Is It Independence Or Disrespect?
Children, particularly older children and teenagers, are often vocal about the fact that they don’t wish to comply with various house rules. This is frequently misread as disrespect by parents, but at base, it’s not—it’s just your child’s way of expressing the fact that he wants to be more independent. Think of it this way: Your child is saying that he’s unhappy with the limits you’re placing on him, he’s not insulting you as a person.
Even when your child doesn’t comply with a rule, he’s probably not doing it deliberately to hurt you; he’s just testing boundaries. You should therefore not make the mistake of personalizing this kind of behaviour, even if it feels frustrating. Keep the debate where it belongs and focus on the rule that’s been broken rather than making the conflict about you and your child’s relationship. Chances are good that the relationship between you and your older child or teen is perfectly normal and healthy; that’s why he feels safe enough to push the limits you’ve put in place. By personalizing the conflict, you’re making the problem bigger than it is.
When faced with a compliance issue, parents should think of a reasonable consequence (for example, if your child has violated curfew, he has to stay home the following weekend as punishment) and leave it at that. If your child complies with the consequences and maintains good behaviour in the weeks to come, you may wish to revisit the issue and allow your teen a bit more freedom (e.g., offer to extend curfew by half an hour if your teen maintains good grades at school). This will teach your child that freedom can be earned if he remains respectful.
Identifying Behaviour That Is Disrespectful But Not Hostile
Behaviour that is disrespectful but not overtly hostile, i.e., small displays of attitude like door slamming or grumbling while doing a chore, should generally be tolerated. Most experts advise against coming down on these behaviours too hard as the child simply needs to “vent.” Remember that children lack experience and perspective, so a small inconvenience like having to take out the garbage really can feel like a major interruption to them. Letting them voice the discontent that stems from their immaturity and intense feelings is probably more helpful than harmful. By letting your child express his feelings freely, you reassure him that you’re a “safe” person to talk to.
Parents who react too strongly to small expressions of annoyance ironically risk sacrificing their authority rather than strengthening it. When children see that they can get a rise out of you, they act out even more—after all, if they distract you enough, you might forget all about making them do their chores or their homework!
Identifying Hostile Behaviour
There is, of course, a breed of disrespectful behaviour that should never be ignored: The type that directly threatens a parent or sibling. Name-calling, insults, physical aggression, absolute refusal to comply with house rules, and intentional rudeness are all forms of disrespect that should be dealt with swiftly and decisively. Your child should always be held accountable for these kinds of behaviours.
To begin with, you must give your child clear, concise rules for what kind of behaviours are not acceptable. Explain to him that getting angry is okay and expressing it is okay (even if that takes the form of, for instance, stomping around), but hitting or calling anyone else in the family names is never okay, no matter how angry you are. Once your child knows where the line should be drawn, it’s his responsibility to do so—and your responsibility to hold him accountable. Tell your child what sort of consequences will occur if he breaks the rules and then administer those consequences calmly and consistently. Resist the temptation to either ignore the bad behaviour (because you’re tired, already stressed out, etc.) or escalate the consequences unreasonably simply because your child has upset you. It’s essential that you stay as objective and predictable as possible so that your boundaries remain clearly defined.
Demonstrating Respectful Behaviour
While identifying disrespectful behaviour and disciplining it where appropriate are both essential strategies, there is one final piece of the puzzle that parents must also keep in mind: Respect starts at home. You cannot expect your child to act respectfully if his (or her) parents continually demonstrate disrespectful behaviour. As such, you should make sure to consistently model respectful behaviour in front of your child. Don’t insult your spouse, friends, or relatives and be polite when you interact with strangers. Handle difficult people with as much patience and grace as you can. The more your child sees you living in accordance with your values, the more he’ll want to emulate those values.
