Kids misbehave for a wide variety of different reasons, and some children are inherently easier to parent than others. Finding the right methods of guidance can therefore feel confusing and overwhelming, especially if techniques that worked with one of your children don’t work with his or her siblings. However, while it’s true that parenting is an adaptive and intuitive process, there are some universal strategies that will help almost any child improve his behaviour. By taking the steps outlined below, you can learn to communicate better with your child and create a happier, more peaceful household:
1. Clarify your expectations.
The outdated idea that parents shouldn’t have to explain their decisions to their children isn’t supported by modern research. Discussing why you’ve set certain rules (and how you expect your child to follow them) prevents confusion and frustration by making it easier for your child to make good choices. Clear instructions also close any “loopholes” your child might otherwise use to argue his way around the rules.
When you explain a rule, keep your explanation short, direct, and emotionally neutral; e.g., “I need you to take your shoes off at the door so you don’t track dirt through the hall.” The simpler your instructions are, the more likely it becomes that your child will remember them.
2. Stay consistent, no matter what.
Children are very literal and linear thinkers, so they need predictable, structured discipline. If plans, rules, and expectations change frequently, they struggle to make sense of the mixed messages they’re receiving. They also start to feel scared and unsure, which compels them to test limits just to get a clearer sense of where the boundaries actually lie. Having a regular schedule and consistent rules, on the other hand, has been associated with greater self-confidence, feelings of security, and fewer behavioural problems.
To create a stable environment for your children, make sure you and your co-parent are always on the same page when it comes to discipline. You should never undermine a rule set by your co-parent or overturn punishments, and vice-versa. If you don’t agree with his or her approach to a problem, discuss the matter in private (where your kids won’t overhear you) and agree on a better way to handle it next time.
3. Establish a manageable household routine.
Having a reliable family routine will keep your household running smoothly and make it easier to set clear, consistent rules. If your kids know exactly when they’re supposed to complete their homework and various chores, they’ll be less likely to procrastinate or get distracted.
When developing a routine, remember that the most effective and sustainable schedules don’t attempt to regulate every minute of a child’s day. (Over-scheduling your child will make him feel fatigued and anxious, and he may eventually buckle under the weight of too many responsibilities.) A productive schedule will set aside realistic blocks of time to eat dinner, do homework, and complete essential chores, along with allowing for at least an hour of purely recreational time each day. You should also include family time in your household schedule; e.g., arrange game nights or movie nights on the weekend, and make sure family mealtimes are device-free.
4. Maintain a strong connection with your children.
Having open, honest conversations with your children encourages them to respect your point of view and decisions. It’s also the best way to get to know your kids better: Communicating frankly with your children will help you understand what motivates them to excel, what frustrates them, and what they need to feel accepted and secure. You can use this information to create more effective rules and to make sure your kids’ needs are being met.
Really valuable one-on-one conversations can’t be forced, but you can encourage these kind of talks by creating the right conditions for them. Try taking your child along on car trips, taking walks together, or engaging in shared hobbies while eliminating background distractions (i.e., turn off the TV and set aside mobile devices). Make sure each of your children gets an equal chance to enjoy this type of “quiet time” alone with you during the week, in addition to spending time together as a family. Often, kids will naturally decide to fill the silence by opening up about their lives. If your child is shy or has trouble expressing himself, you can get the conversation going by asking gentle, open-ended questions.
5. Praise your children often, but use material rewards sparingly.
“Bribing” kids by offering them material rewards (e.g., money, video games, or toys) in exchange for good behaviour may be effective in the short term, but it inevitably creates bigger problems down the road. Offering material rewards too liberally sends the message that you don’t expect your child to behave well on his own, which is highly counterproductive. Helpful, respectful behaviour should be seen as a default requirement by your child - not something he only does for material gain.
Of course, there are some situations where material rewards are appropriate, such as when an older child completes a very large task that isn’t one of his normal chores. Letting teens earn a bit of spending money by doing hard jobs around the house or yard creates a healthy cycle of work and reward and helps teens learn to budget. However, kids shouldn’t be given significant material rewards simply for completing their nightly homework or keeping their rooms clean. The privileges they earn by staying on track (like free time at the end of the day) and your sincere praise should be reward enough.
6. Avoid using harsh punishments.
Kids sometimes need to experience consequences to correct their behaviour, but this is another area where parents must exercise caution and restraint. Consequences should be fair, consistent, and used only when absolutely necessary. Punishing your child too often, or using punishments designed to inflict physical or emotional pain, can be extremely damaging. This kind of discipline makes kids fearful and may encourage sneaky, dishonest behaviour.
Effective consequences typically involve the removal of privileges and a “time out” to give your child a chance to calm down. They should also be followed by a compassionate lesson on why your child’s behaviour had to be corrected, along with tips for how to handle the situation better next time.
When kids continue to act out severely despite having a consistent routine and fair, loving, communicative parents, there are often deeper problems driving their behaviour. Being bullied at school, struggling with a learning disability, or experiencing a mental health issue can all cause kids to act out, no matter how supportive their home environment is.
If your child’s behavioural issues feel unmanageable despite your best efforts, you should talk to a family therapist about your options. A therapist can identify the root causes that drive your child to act out and provide him with the specific treatment he needs to adjust his actions and outlook.
