Throughout most of human history, children slept close to their parents for protection. Young children therefore naturally tend to become anxious when left alone in the dark; their brains are hardwired to seek the safety of adult companionship after nightfall. Small children need to be proactively shown how to relax and feel secure at night even when their parents aren’t present, a state known as “sleep confidence.” As they develop sleep confidence, kids gradually broaden their concept of safety so that it extends beyond mom or dad’s side. Eventually, they grow to understand that their room is a secure and protected space. This lessens their need for parental reassurance during the night and helps everyone in the household sleep more soundly.
As a parent, there are a number of steps you can take to help your child feel safer at night. Just be aware that patience is key: While some kids learn sleep confidence more quickly than others, it’s not uncommon for kids to need a few years of gentle guidance before they feel truly at ease sleeping on their own. Don’t get frustrated if your child’s sleep habits don’t change profoundly in a matter of months—Becoming stressed out will only keep you awake longer and add to your child’s anxiety.
3 Ways to Help Your Child Become Sleep Confident
1. Respond to your child’s distress.
Parents innately want to rush to their child’s side when they hear him (or her) crying during the night. In the past, parents were advised to ignore their instincts and let their child “cry it out.” Prevailing wisdom stated that forcing kids to deal with their nighttime fears alone was the best way to teach them how to sleep independently. Modern research has, however, debunked this outdated notion.
Ignoring a child’s nocturnal distress only serves to increase his anxiety over the long-term. Responding to your child promptly and lovingly, on the other hand, is one of the best ways to show him that he’s safe. When a child’s cries are consistently answered, that child realizes mom and dad are always nearby and ready to provide protection, even if they aren’t in the same room.
Note that it’s also perfectly acceptable to allow your toddler to sleep in your room, provided that your schedule permits it and your family can sleep soundly that way. This practice is still common in many parts of the world and it directly addresses the child’s need to feel protected at night. Most kids naturally become ready to move to their own room by the time they’re four or five years old.
2. Listen to your child.
Most parents respond to nocturnal anxiety by offering a soothing distraction (like a bottle, pacifier, or snack) or advice (e.g., “Don’t worry, you just had a bad dream.”) However, while physical comfort is important, addressing what’s causing your child to wake up is equally necessary.
Otherwise healthy children often wake up at night because they’re still upset or worried about things that happened during the daytime. Only when they express those feelings will they be able to sleep soundly. Offering kids soothing distractions may help them drift off temporarily, but until their deeper emotions have been processed, they’re liable to keep waking up.
One of the best ways to prevent nighttime waking is to listen actively to your child throughout the day: When he’s upset, let him cry or tantrum (within reason; destructive behaviours like hitting should not be allowed) until he feels better. When he’s having trouble expressing himself, ask him what’s wrong and help him identify his emotions.
Parents should also be aware that children often cry over apparently minor things because they’ve already stored up a great deal of tension. In those moments, kids need to release tension more than they need anything else. If your child is crying over something that appears random to you—like getting a red cup rather than a blue cup—stay close to him and simply let him release his emotions. Don’t rush to “fix” the issue at hand (provided that it’s not serious) and don’t scold your child for overreacting.
Sometimes, kids will internalize tension despite our best efforts. (This is especially likely to be the case if they’re going through a stressful transition period, like moving or attending school for the first time.) If this occurs and your child wakes up at night, offer to listen to him then, too. Turn on a dim light so your child can see you and give him your undivided attention until he calms down. Allow him to cry, squirm, etc., until he has completely released the tension from his body. Remind him that he’s safe and that you’re right there with him.
3. Make nap time part of your schedule.
Getting enough rest is essential for both physical and emotional health. If your child is prone to waking up at night, you can make the situation less stressful for everyone involved by providing a dedicated nap time. Set aside at least an hour per day wherein both you and your child can catch up on missed slumber.
Resist the urge to use your child’s nap time to catch up on housework or paperwork: Giving yourself a dedicated time for rest will reduce feelings of stress when your child wakes up at night. Napping will also give you the energy you need to parent calmly and effectively.
Though it takes a long time for most children to develop complete sleep confidence, you should be able to observe gradual progress after implementing these strategies. Your child may continue to wake up regularly during the night for a while, but he’ll quickly become more relaxed and confident during the day. By age three or four, however, you should see a sustained improvement in sleep quality and duration. If your child continues to display high levels of nocturnal anxiety or has frequent night terrors after age six, you should consider consulting both a physician and a therapist to rule out contributing physical or mental health issues.
Author: Rachel Cohen
This is a guest post by Toronto psychotherapist Rachel Cohen. You can follow Rachel on Twitter at @RachiieCohen
