Though we think of childhood as being a carefree time of life, many children experience periods of stress. Like adults, kids can become anxious because they’re overwhelmed by commitments, dealing with social or family problems, or navigating significant life changes.
According to the American Psychological Association, children can experience stress due to various reasons such as academic pressure, social problems, family issues, and significant life changes.
If your child has a healthy support system and his or her stress remains within reasonable limits, it can actually benefit her development. Kids need to overcome obstacles to learn valuable skills and become more confident, so you shouldn’t attempt to protect your child from even normal levels of stress. When stress becomes chronic or excessive, however, it can do lasting damage to a child’s mental and physical health. Some kids also respond poorly to stress because they’re dealing with an underlying condition, such as anxiety or Autism, that needs to be addressed.
Healthy Vs. Toxic Stress
Healthy stress, which helps children learn and feel more capable, is relatively short in duration and manageable. Kids encounter this kind of stress as they begin to tackle new, independent experiences. When a child rides a bike for the first time, for example, her heart races and she’s filled with nervous tension, wondering what will happen if she falls off, which is a type of stress. However, when she learns to balance on the bike after a few attempts, she feels a surge of joy and accomplishment. Her brain will remember how she successfully overcame her fears, and next time she tries something new, she probably won’t be so scared.
Toxic stress, on the other hand, makes children feel weaker rather than stronger. This form of stress is usually chronic (that is, it lasts months or years), though it can be caused by acute trauma, too. Toxic stress is often present in homes with frequent spousal conflict or abuse; it can also be caused by bullying, the loss of a loved one, poverty, or other situations that are too large for the affected child to handle on her own. Kids with certain conditions, like Autism or ADHD, can experience severe ongoing stress because they lack the “filters” needed to manage to normal stimuli.
Regardless of its cause, toxic stress is overwhelming and debilitating because it teaches kids that they can’t overcome the challenges in their lives. Children exposed to this kind of stress without adequate adult support typically develop depression and anxiety, and their cognitive performance is reduced. Research shows that excessive toxic stress disrupts the architecture of the developing brain, which can trigger severe mental health issues as the child grows into adulthood. It is also associated with physical health problems in adulthood.
Though no child should have to endure toxic stress, it’s sometimes unavoidable. Unexpected events (like the death of a family member, divorce, or job loss) sometimes occur, no matter how hard we try to provide a stable environment for our children. However, by recognizing the signs of chronic stress and giving your child the support she needs to bounce back, you can limit the damage done by toxic stress.
Recognizing the Signs of Chronic Stress in Children
Young children don’t always discuss their feelings the way older children or adults do. Children under the age of six often lack the self-insight needed to understand how deeply stressed they are, and they may not have the verbal skills required to explain what’s bothering them. Instead, younger kids tend to express themselves through behavioural changes or physical symptoms, including:
- Mood swings, such as unexplained angry outbursts, crying, restlessness, or separation anxiety.
- Difficulties with concentration that arise suddenly. (The presence of ongoing attention problems may signal an underlying condition, like ADHD.)
- Social withdrawal (i.e., your child wants to spend most of her time in her room, or she refuses to see friends or go to school).
- The development of phobias, such as an extreme fear of the dark or fear of strangers. Your child may also have frequent nightmares or night terrors.
- Unexplained changes in appetite and/or sleeping patterns.
- The development of nervous or compulsive habits, like constant fidgeting, nail-biting, or hoarding certain items.
- Behavioural issues, like getting into trouble at school or picking fights with siblings or peers.
- Phantom illnesses that have no medical basis, like unexplained headaches and stomach aches.
- Increased bed wetting.
Most children will exhibit some of these symptoms from time to time, but if they last longer than three weeks, you should talk to your child’s doctor to identify the root of the issue.
How to Help Your Child Cope with Stress
In addition to talking to a healthcare provider, using the five strategies below can go a long way towards reducing your child’s stress levels and teaching her healthy coping skills:
1. Make sure your child’s schedule is realistic.
Over-scheduling can, in itself, be a cause of chronic tension, so it’s vital to limit your child’s commitments if she’s showing signs of distress. Reduce her extracurricular responsibilities to just one or two favourite activities, and make sure she has enough downtime to recharge. Ideally, your child should have at least one hour of (screen-free) “quiet time” before bed each night, and three to four hours to just relax on the weekends. Encourage your child to let go and just play when she has time off, rather than always having to pursue goals or compete with others. Including unhurried nightly family meals in your routine can also give your child a chance to unwind between commitments.
2. Support your child with a healthy lifestyle.
Regular physical activity, nutritious food, and adequate sleep are all essential for managing stress. Eating and sleeping well reduces levels of stress hormones in the body, while also providing kids with the energy they need to handle difficult challenges. Physical activity helps kids discharge negative emotions and feel more powerful and capable.
Limiting screen time and consuming positive media are also important facets of a healthy lifestyle. Being constantly bombarded with information and stimulation keeps the brain in a state of high alert, which is a form of stress. Frightening, violent, or overly negative media (including news media) can also have a very detrimental affect on your child’s mental health, especially if she’s already going through a difficult time. To help your child stay resilient, give her no more than one to two hours of screen time per day, and steer her away from violent movies and video games.
3. Educate your child about the signs of stress (and encourage her to speak up).
Discuss the effects of stress with your child and help her recognize its physical signs, such as a racing heart, clammy hands, or stomach pains. Tell your child that she should talk to you when she feels those symptoms, so you can reassure her and help her make a plan to tackle the issues at hand. Let her know that it’s okay to take a time out when she feels overwhelmed, and okay to say no to extra commitments if she doesn’t feel up to them.
4. Manage your own stress levels.
No child feels relaxed or secure when she knows her parents are stressed out. Because kids rely on their parents to keep them safe, they become extremely anxious when their parents appear to be facing insurmountable obstacles, such as chronic financial or marital issues. To the best of your ability, try to keep adult problems away from your child (e.g., only discuss them when your child is not within earshot). You should also never argue with your partner in front of your child.
If you’re going through a stressful period, talk to someone you trust (or a therapist) so that you don’t bring your stress home with you. When your child is present, do your best to keep your voice and body language calm, and practice good self-care. Taking time out to rest or engage in activities you enjoy when you feel tense will teach your child how to respond correctly to her own stress signals.
5. Keep your child in the loop.
When you know a big change is going to occur in the near future, sit down with your child and discuss the matter in detail. Let her know what’s going to happen and when, then explain what she can expect while you both navigate the upcoming transition. If you’re moving to a new city, for example, you should explain where you’ll be getting a new home, what it’s like there, and which school your child will be going to. Encourage your child to ask questions whenever she needs to, and remind her that it’s okay to feel scared and apprehensive. Tell her that no matter what happens, you’ll be there to make sure she’s safe and cared for.
Though parental support is enough to get most kids through challenging situations, some kids need extra help to bounce back, especially if they’re coping with underlying anxiety. If you’re not sure how to help your child manage stress, or you think your child has experienced trauma, you should consult a family therapist for guidance. Therapy will allow your child to process complex problems in a confidential, objective setting, and it will provide her with individualized stress management techniques to use at home. Through this multifaceted approach, you can give your child the care and coping skills she needs to grow into a happy, resilient adult.
