One of the greatest challenges parents face is figuring out how to encourage the development of healthy self-esteem without engendering egotism. With research indicating that narcissistic traits are becoming more prevalent among young people, many parents are concerned that their attempts to make their children feel valued could have unintended consequences. Fortunately, understanding what separates confidence from arrogance will give you the tools you need to support your child’s growth in a healthy, balanced way.
How Does Confidence Differ from Arrogance?
Confident people understand that they’re capable, but they don’t feel the need to brag about their abilities or achievements. Arrogant individuals, on the other hand, feel entitled to special privileges and recognition (even when they haven’t earned it). They also tend to fantasize about obtaining power, wealth, and status while being unwilling to put in the effort those lofty goals require. Confident people are more likely to work hard to develop their areas of expertise. Many confident people use their talents to aid those around them or contribute to society, while those with narcissistic traits are wholly concerned with self-aggrandizement.
Paradoxically, many arrogant individuals actually have poor self-esteem. Deep down, they know they can’t live up to the grandiose image they’ve created for themselves, so they secretly feel unworthy. This is why they must constantly seek validation for their achievements.
How Arrogance Develops—And How to Limit It
True narcissistic personality disorder arises from a complex interaction of genetics and environment; it’s not always a direct result of how someone is raised. However, research shows that most people can develop narcissistic traits—like arrogance—if those traits are reinforced regularly over time. The following parenting mistakes are thought to increase a child’s risk of becoming arrogant:
1. Over-valuing your child’s achievements.
Kids absolutely should be praised when they perform or behave well; verbal affirmation makes children feel valued and keeps them motivated. When praise becomes excessive and places a child at odds with his or her peers, however, problems can arise. Arrogant children are often told by their parents that they’re the “best” at everything they do. They’re taught to believe they’re superior to their classmates, inherently special, and always more deserving of recognition than others.
Generally, it’s a good idea to avoid comparing your child to other kids, either positively or negatively. Your child should strive to be better than who she was in the past, not better than other people.
2. Overprotecting your child.
No parent likes to see their child suffering, so it’s normal to want to swoop in and “save” your child when she’s about to err. Unless your child is at risk of physical harm, experts say you should resist this urge: Overcoming challenges is essential to becoming confident in one’s own abilities. When children are protected from their mistakes—that is, they aren’t allowed to fail—they can’t practice being strong or capable. They also cannot learn humility.
None of this means you shouldn’t give your child guidance, of course. When you see your child going astray (for example, not getting started on a large school project and instead leaving it until the last minute), inform her of the likely consequences of her actions. Just don’t complete the project for her if she ignores your advice—let her experience getting a poor grade. Next time, she’ll remember being upset over her results and hopefully choose not to procrastinate.
3. Not holding your child accountable for her actions.
Most parents understand that developing a sense of accountability is an important part of maturation. Accountability also plays a significant role in limiting arrogance: When we make our kids responsible for their own behaviour, they learn that their actions have consequences. This prevents the narcissistic belief that one is exempt from the rules and standards that apply to everyone else. Accountable kids tend to be more confident, too, because they know their actions have an impact on the world around them. They understand that they’re not the helpless victims of their environment, so they feel able to change circumstances they don’t like.
4. Not accepting help around the house.
Doing chores used to be a normal part of childhood. Today, however, increasingly pressured schedules often lead to kids being excluded from household duties. Some parents want their children to focus exclusively on their studies and extracurricular activities and therefore don’t ask them to do chores. Other parents simply know that they can complete housework more quickly on their own.
Unfortunately, when parents take this approach, kids are deprived of numerous confidence-building opportunities. Participating in housework from a young age shows children that they’re capable of making a valuable contribution to the household. Completing chores also reduces feelings of entitlement by encouraging children to participate in meeting their own needs.
5. Allowing your child to become complacent.
Kids, like adults, need to be challenged to explore beyond their comfort zone. In addition to validating your child’s current achievements, you should encourage your child to try new, more difficult things. For instance, once your child has become adept at doing her daily chores, you might ask her to help you with a big project, like spring cleaning. If your child is artistic, you could try suggesting that she take up writing or playing music to broaden her creative talents, etc. You should also experiment with putting your child in charge of family activities now and then, e.g., let her decide what movie you’ll watch together or where you go for dinner.
6. Not encouraging free, expressive play.
Though many people blame “helicopter parenting” and the rise of social media for making young people more narcissistic, research indicates that play styles may be more influential than either of the aforementioned factors. Many children today live heavily structured lives wherein time for free, expressive play is limited. Instead, kids take part in a lot of carefully arranged, supervised activates.
This is problematic because creative play is necessary for the full development of empathy. It’s through interacting with one another (with minimal adult input) that kids learn how to relate to other people in a healthy, collaborative way. Likewise, many of the structured activities that have replaced expressive play are competitive in nature and therefore facilitate the development of arrogance.
To support empathy-building within the home, let your child have some free time each day so that he or she can engage in imaginative play. If your child doesn’t have a sibling to play with, try to play with her yourself or arrange unstructured playdates. You should also encourage your child to express her opinions and share her emotions openly. When she does, do your best to stop and listen attentively: Turn off the TV or radio, set aside your phone, look at your child while she’s speaking, then verify that you understood what she said.
A healthy, balanced self-esteem is one of the most valuable traits a child can have. By fostering your child’s confidence and limiting her arrogance, you’ll lower her risk of academic problems, behavioural issues, depression, and social isolation. After all, a happy future invariably begins within;
