When we think of the type of parental conflict that psychologically damages children, we envision screaming fights and physical violence. However, research shows that ongoing, poorly-resolved ongoing conflict between parents is often equally harmful. Simple everyday arguments, parents giving each other the “silent treatment,” and acts of passive aggression can significantly impact kids’ social and emotional well-being. Chronic parental conflict is associated with an increased risk of depression, anxiety, insomnia, aggressive behaviour, and relationship problems later in life. The prevalence of day-to-day conflict in families may explain why many children struggle with psychological issues despite a lack of obvious trauma in their background.
Why Ongoing Parental Conflict Hurts Kids
Children are more sensitive to their environment than adults because their brains are more attuned to novel experiences and less adept at emotional regulation. Their lack of life experience also causes them to overestimate the potential impact of small problems, particularly when their caregivers are involved. For these reasons, conflicts that feel minor to parents can have a lasting detrimental effect on kids: Frequent parental disagreements about chores, money, politics, work-life balance, or childcare responsibilities, for example, are sometimes enough to interfere with a child’s sense of security.
Not all parental disputes are bad for kids, of course. On the contrary, occasional constructive disagreements can create opportunities for parents to model conflict resolution skills. Psychological damage typically only occurs when parents insult, nag, or avoid one another rather than attempting to resolve their differences and when conflict is persistent rather than sporadic. Temperament also plays a role in how well children handle parental conflict: Sensitive and gifted kids are more susceptible to the harms of ongoing conflict than other children. Regardless of a child’s psychological makeup, however, frequent interparental fighting is associated with the following problems:
Ongoing Parental Conflict Leads to Hypervigilance
Research suggests that kids never learn to ignore parental conflict, even if arguments are typically mild. Instead, children who live in high-conflict homes actively keep track of their parents’ bickering. This state of anxious hypervigilance makes them increasingly sensitive to episodes of tension, to the point where they constantly look for signs that an argument is about to begin. In extreme cases, kids worry so much about fights erupting that they imagine conflict where there is none or hyper-focus on minor issues. Over time, this fixation on parental conflict disrupts the child’s ability to focus on his (or her) goals and leads to emotional exhaustion.
Kids From High-Conflict Homes Are Emotionally Insecure – Even as Adults
Children rely on their parents for survival; as such, they cannot thrive unless they know their family system is secure. Frequent, unresolved interparental arguments cause children to question the strength of the emotional bonds that hold their family together. As a result, they feel as though they must control the situation to ensure their safety. Kids in high-conflict homes may act out (to distract parents from arguing), attempt to act as mediators or withdraw socially. None of these outcomes are healthy for the child, even if they help him manage his feelings in the short-term. Children who rely on the aforementioned coping strategies typically experience interpersonal problems in adulthood, as they inevitably apply the same learned behaviours to their friends and partners.
Research also shows that kids who come from high-conflict homes struggle to read emotional cues accurately. They often imagine harmful intent where there is none, which contributes to mistrust and misunderstandings. (For example, they may misread neutral expressions as being hostile or disapproving.) This inability to interpret others correctly puts kids at increased risk of isolation, depression, and self-destructive behaviour, both during childhood and later in life.
Children Blame Themselves for Parental Conflict
When children attempt to manage and mediate parental arguments, they begin taking responsibility for their parents’ behaviour. Gradually, this can lead to kids thinking they are to blame for their parents’ arguments. (This is particularly likely to occur when parents actively involve their children in disputes, either by turning to their children for comfort or by taking their frustrations out on their children.) Some kids start to believe they’re causing their parents to fight, while others feel like failures when their parents continue to fight despite their best efforts to mediate disagreements. In either case, the child’s sense of shame erodes his self-worth and creates feelings of hopelessness and futility, which can lead to depression.
Constructive Conflict Can be Beneficial for Both Parents and Children
Conflict is a normal part of any intimate relationship, and parents should not attempt to avoid or hide their differences for the sake of their children. Children are highly perceptive; they almost always pick up on simmering tension, even if arguments take place behind closed doors. They also readily perceive (and feel threatened by) any emotional distance between their parents. To protect kids from the pitfalls associated with interparental conflict, parents should focus on developing a balanced, productive conflict style – not on eliminating their disagreements altogether.
Unlike hostile parental arguments, occasional constructive conflict can be very beneficial for kids’ mental health. Witnessing healthy disputes shows kids how to manage conflict in a balanced, compassionate manner – a skill they can use to build robust social networks of their own. Parents also reassure their children that their family unit is safe, secure, and resilient every time they collaborate to overcome adversity. When children know their family system is stable, they can devote their energy to their own well-being and development.
For couples who have a long-standing pattern of poorly-resolved conflict, learning how to disagree constructively can be very challenging. Often, parents must work with a couples counsellor or family therapist to identify why they’ve experienced a breakdown in teamwork. Therapy also helps parents reduce marital tension, improve their communication, and learn how to solve problems together. In some cases, additional mental health support is provided to parents to address specific issues contributing to their marital difficulties. (E.g., financial counselling when poor spending habits are present, or individual therapy when one parent struggles with depression, anxiety, or another mental health condition.) Children who have been impacted by frequent parental conflict can also benefit significantly from family therapy.
No matter how tense a relationship has become, it’s always possible to make a change for the better. With the right support, parents can learn healthy ways to tackle their differences, take steps to strengthen their marriage, and cultivate a better parenting style. The key is to seek help early and enact change before children are exposed to a pattern of ongoing conflict.
