Most people parent intuitively; their parenting choices are informed by their beliefs, personality type, and the way they were raised. When two parents have markedly different outlooks or backgrounds, disagreements over how to manage discipline and set boundaries can therefore become a real issue. If both parents remain inflexible in their stance, what started as a parent-child issue can quickly escalate into a spousal argument. If such arguments happen frequently in your household, they can both damage your relationship with your partner and interfere with your ability to parent effectively. When parents don’t work together as a team, they can’t maintain a calm, consistent environment for their children.
Why Parents Need to Work Together
Even if you’re separated or divorced from your co-parent, working together on matters of child discipline is absolutely essential. When one parent makes important decisions without consulting the other parent, or overrides rules set by his or her co-parent, kids become anxious and insecure. They no longer know what’s expected of them, and as a result, they act out more in order to figure out where the limits lie. They may also end up thinking their stricter parent cares about them less than their more permissive parent or, alternately, feel neglected by both parents. (When spousal arguments consistently take the focus off their behaviour, kids can feel ignored.) Likewise, because all kids inherently want to exercise personal autonomy, it’s not unusual for them to manipulate parental disagreements to their advantage. Children will sometimes play one parent off the other to escape consequences or avoid rules, if they know their parents aren’t in accord with each other.
Disagreements are a normal part of any healthy adult relationship, of course, and it’s not realistic to expect spouses to always see eye-to-eye on matters of child-rearing. Parents can, however, find ways to keep their differences private, establish compromises, and present a united front to their children. By following the guidelines below, you can resolve disagreements about discipline and keep your child accountable in a loving, stable manner.
5 Ways to Parent as a Team
1. Never disagree with your co-parent in front of your child.
If your spouse or co-parent has punished your child more harshly than you would have preferred, don’t argue with him (or her) in front of your child or try to “reverse” the punishment. Support your partner’s decision while your child is present, but discuss the issue later, when you’re sure your child won’t hear you. Let your partner know that, next time, you’d like him to talk to you before he takes disciplinary action. You can also work together to agree on a more appropriate punishment for the infraction that occurred. Not only will this approach prevent your child from becoming confused about household rules, it will ensure the focus stays on your child’s behaviour. You won’t get so busy arguing with your partner that you forget your child isn’t doing her homework or going to bed on time, for instance.
The only exception to this rule is, of course, punishments that involve physical or emotional abuse. If your child is in danger of being harmed, you absolutely should intervene to keep your child safe.
2. Know when to defer to one another on important issues.
Many parents are guided by their “gut feelings” when deciding whether or not their child is ready to take the next big leap towards independence. As a result, there will be times when you or your partner feel very strongly about a specific issue, and finding a compromise isn’t possible. Maybe your partner is okay with your teen going to a party with limited adult supervision, for example, but you have a very bad feeling about this particular party, even though your teen is usually responsible.
At times like these, it’s usually better to defer to the parent who cares deeply about the situation, as long as their wishes and concerns are reasonable. You might say something like, “I know I probably seem overly cautious right now, but my instincts are telling me this is the right decision to keep our child safe. Can you support me on this, even if you don’t agree?” Then, extend your partner the same courtesy the next time he feels very strongly about an issue.
3. Empathize with your child, but never speak negatively about your spouse.
There will be times when your child turns to you for sympathy regarding decisions your partner has made. When this happens, you shouldn’t dismiss your child’s feelings, but at the same time, you should be careful to avoid agreeing with your child or, worse still, complaining about your partner. Tell your child that you understand why she feels hurt or frustrated, but you and your partner had to make a difficult choice because you both believe it will keep her healthy and happy over the long run.
4. If a discussion about parenting becomes heated, take a time out.
Parenting decisions must be made when both parents are in a calm and cooperative frame of mind. If you start feeling hostile during a discussion, or you and your partner become critical of each other’s ideas, take a break from the discussion before your feelings intensify. Try taking a walk, meditating, or engaging in another pleasant distraction, then broach the topic again when you feel ready. Begin the second discussion by listening to your spouse attentively, without interrupting him, and try to understand his point of view before you leap to conclusions. Then, reiterate your own opinions and suggest solutions that might work for both of you.
5. Share your family history with your spouse, and ask about his.
Most people learn about parenting from one primary source: Their own parents. If you had very permissive parents and your spouse had very strict parents, for example, your parenting styles may clash as a result of your conflicting experiences. In these kind of situations, both parties usually feel like the way they were raised must be the “right” way, because it worked for them. In the same vein, they typically think other parenting styles aren’t capable of achieving similarly positive results.
By getting to know each other’s family histories in greater detail, you and your spouse can figure out why you strongly hold on to certain beliefs about parenting. Then, you can both take an objective look at your different views and discuss which techniques you may need to adapt to suit your child’s unique nature and today’s culture. For example, if your spouse was a rebellious risk-taker who needed a firm hand but your child is generally easygoing, your child may not require the strict approach to parenting your spouse did when he was younger. However, you might also mutually decide that your child needs a more structured schedule than the one you grew up with because she has to contend with digital distractions.
Ultimately, you and your partner should aim for a balanced parenting style that incorporates the best aspects of both of your belief systems. You should also make a concerted effort to avoid repeating your parents’ mistakes.
Should You Seek Help for Your Parenting Differences?
Engaging in thoughtful, caring dialogue and agreeing on a set of parenting “best practices” will resolve most parental conflicts. Sometimes, however, parents can’t find a satisfactory middle ground between their opposing belief systems, or they repeatedly slide back into bad habits. If you find yourself in this frustrating situation, a couples counsellor or marriage therapist can uncover what’s driving the disharmony between you and your partner and help you create a plan for change. You may benefit from family therapy if any of the following criteria apply to your relationship:
- You and your partner automatically assign negative intentions to each other’s statements, or you frequently distrust each other’s motives.
- You avoid talking about important issues because it’s too difficult.
- You feel like your partner ignores or invalidates your point of view, no matter how calmly you explain it.
- Discussions about parenting often escalate and become hostile, and you’re not sure how or why that happens.
During therapy, you’ll learn to recognize you and your spouse’s triggers, improve how you communicate, forgive past transgressions, and recognize that your differences can be made into strengths. You can then pass those invaluable interpersonal skills on to your child, which will give her the tools she needs to form stronger, healthier relationships. Understand that seeking professional help doesn’t mean your marriage is in danger; instead, it just means that you’re willing to take the most direct, logical, and efficient route to improve your teamwork. That, in itself, is a commendable act of parental solidarity.
