Every long-term relationship involves a certain amount of conflict. No two people agree on everything, so it’s normal for couples to occasionally argue over matters related to money, personal values, or plans for the future. Indeed, many experts believe that conflict can play an important role in maintaining a healthy relationship, provided that it doesn’t get out of hand. When children are present in the home, however, couples must reconsider when and how they fight. Tempestuous arguments—even if they seem normal to you and your partner—can have a lasting and detrimental impact on your children. This is true in all homes, including those where children are provided with ample attention and support from both parents.
Understanding How Children Perceive Conflict
Most adults understand that people don’t usually mean the things they say in anger. Children cannot yet make this distinction, especially younger children, so they’re liable to interpret threats and insults as fact. Naturally, then, kids tend to feel extremely fearful and insecure when their parents argue vehemently. If either parent threatens to leave, for example, their children immediately assume they’re about to be abandoned. Fights can leave children concerned that their parents hate one another, are on the verge of divorce, or otherwise facing an imminent crisis, even if this isn’t the case.
When intense conflicts only happen on rare occasions, children can usually bounce back from them (although this is much more challenging for sensitive kids). When arguments become chronic, on the other hand, children become hyper-vigilant. In many cases, they also feel caught in the middle between both parents. Some kids go so far as to take responsibility for their parents’ behaviour: They try to act as mediators, and if they can’t prevent their parents from fighting, they may start to feel as though the situation is their fault.
Over time, this turmoil takes a heavy toll: Research shows that children who live in high-conflict households demonstrate increased levels of anxiety. This anxiety predisposes them to insomnia and night terrors, which reduces their ability to concentrate and excel at school. Anxious kids get sick more often than other children, and they experience “phantom ailments” that have an emotional rather than physical cause (i.e., frequent stress headaches and stomach aches).
If chronic conflict continues, some children begin acting out; emulating their parents’ angry behaviour helps them feel more powerful and in control of the situation. Other children internalize their feelings of pain and helplessness: By adolescence, they start to engage in self-destructive behaviour in order to manage their emotions and relieve tension. Growing up in a high-conflict household has been linked to an increased risk of disordered eating and substance abuse later in life. Depression, hypertension, and obesity are also reported more often in people who grew up in households strained by aggression.
As adults, people who witnessed a lot of destructive conflict have difficulty maintaining stable intimate relationships. Lacking formative lessons in effective conflict resolution can affect the ability compromise, communicate, and demonstrate self-control. Physical conflict can be especially harmful in this regard: When kids are taught that hitting is an acceptable way to handle disagreements, they may repeat similar behaviour (or accept it from a partner) as adults.
How to Reduce the Impact of Parental Conflict
Conflict cannot (and should not) be avoided entirely. If you and your partner ignore serious issues, unresolved emotions will eventually drive a wedge between you both. Your children will pick up on this sense of distance and unease, and in many ways, it can be as damaging as aggression. Your children also need you to model healthy behaviours: If you don’t provide an example of how to productively handle disputes, they won’t know how to approach disagreements.
If you and your partner have frequent, painful arguments, changing the way you argue can improve both your relationship and the mental health of your children. When you find yourself facing a disagreement, try implementing the strategies below:
1. Calm down before you discuss the issue.
Generating workable solutions in the heat of the moment is difficult, if not impossible. Unless an issue absolutely must be dealt with right away, consider taking some time to cool off before you discuss it. Some couples also find it helpful to write their thoughts down prior to having a difficult discussion. Doing so can help you gain a sense of control over the situation and process tension productively, without matters escalating.
2. Don’t accuse or blame your partner.
Most people already know that threats, name-calling, shouting, physical aggression, and emotional manipulation should be avoided. What you may not realize is that using an accusatory tone is nearly as harmful (and often leads to fights becoming explosive).
Instead of blaming your partner, try approaching him or her with empathy. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes, show that you understand why he or she is acting a certain way, then state your side of the issue. For example, rather than saying, “You always come home late—I’m fed up with it,” try, “I know you’re working very hard right now, but I’d really appreciate it if you could come home in time for dinner. That way, we can spend time together as a family.”
3. End discussions on a positive note.
Many of the issues couples argue over, like money or plans for the future, cannot be solved in a single day—That’s why these kind of arguments tend to become chronic. However, even if you can’t reach a compromise or resolution immediately, it’s important to know that just making progress can be profoundly helpful. Research shows that when kids see their parents end arguments on a positive note (even if no absolute compromise is achieved), their mood actually improves. They know something good has occurred, regardless of whether or not they understand the details. In fact, kids raised in households where conflict is usually constructive typically have higher self-esteem, fewer behavioural problems, and better social skills.
4. Remember that some subject matter should be kept private.
Children get confused and anxious when they overhear serious talk about matters they can’t understand, like death, sex, or adult finances. Kids feel this way even when such discussions don’t become overly heated. You should therefore pick a time and place that you know will be completely private before you broach strictly adult topics.
5. Never directly involve your children in spousal conflicts.
Don’t accuse your spouse of bad behaviour in front of your children, such as by saying, “Your mother still hasn’t done the dishes—she’s so messy!” Likewise, you should absolutely never use your children to relay messages to your partner or imply that they must choose a “side.” Leave your children out of your arguments, and take a moment to reassure them that everything is fine if they witness a tense discussion.
Changing the way you argue can sound like a deceptively simple process. For many couples, however, the beliefs and behaviours that drive heated conflict are deeply entrenched. If you find that you can’t change destructive patterns on your own, consider working with a family therapist. A therapist can help you learn and implement new communication strategies. He or she can also identify experiences from your own childhood that may be driving aggression in the present.
Decoding and altering your behaviour can be very challenging, but for the sake of a happy household—and healthy children—it’s invariably worth it. If you feel like you need outside assistance to make a change, don’t hesitate to seek support.
