Psychological Issues Faced by Adopted Children

Dr. Tali Shenfield | November 11, 2017

While most of the issues adopted children face while growing up differ little from the challenges experienced by non-adopted children, arising from individual temperament and the hurdles endemic to growth and development, some adopted children also experience difficulties which relate directly to the fact that they are adopted. Sometimes these problems are relatively mild or temporary, the result of the child adjusting to a new environment, but at other times they may become serious and chronic in nature, necessitating professional intervention. This is particularly likely during adolescence, as the child begins to explore his or her identity and question his or her place in the world. If not addressed soon, these issues may develop into serious mental health problems.

Adoption-related issues usually take the following forms:

Questioning the Validity of Your Parental Role

This is usually done through making statements like, “You're not my real mom!”, or “My real mom would never do this to me!” in response to, for example, a punishment the child deems unfair.

While such words can be very hurtful, it's important to remember that the child doesn't usually mean them; he or she is just having an emotional outburst. The child usually feels powerless when she realizes she cannot get her own way (that she will be grounded, that you won't buy her the new gadget she “needs”, etc.) and so she lashes out, perhaps imagining an alternative fantasy parent who would indulge her every whim.

If this happens, step back and analyze the situation, assessing whether or not you are in fact being harsh or unfair. If you are not being heavy-headed in your punishment or decision, stand firm, regardless of what the child says; after all, if you allow her to manipulate you using this tactic, she will learn that it works, and thus you will end up hearing such words far more often—whether they are true or not. Remember that adopted children are no different to non-adopted children in that they profoundly desire to get their own way.

Instead of rising to the bait, affirm that you are indeed your child's “real” mother, and that like any real mother, you have come to the decision to assert a rule or boundary because it's good for your child—because you love her and want the best for her. Remind her that she's welcome to discuss the matter civilly with you later once she's calmed down.

Becoming Over-Indulged

Well-intentioned parents sometimes wind up creating issues with their adopted child through indulging him more than they would a biological child, treating him as though he is “special”, in essence, because he is adopted. Usually parents do this out of sympathy, either because they feel sorry for the child or because they realize that being adopted may create additional fear, anxiety, and sadness for their child.

Additionally, sometimes parents are simply so thrilled to have finally successfully adopted a child that they treat him like he's too precious to discipline when he inevitably misbehaves. Parents may also not feel as though they have the full “right” to discipline a child that is not biologically related to them, or they worry about what the child's birth parents would think of them every time they yell at the child or send him to his room.

In reality, however, over-indulging any child—adopted or not—actually leads to that child feeling more anxiety and upset over the years, as he becomes the one who is “in control”, not his parents, and all children need to feel that their parents are in control in order to be secure. Ergo, it's essential to overcome the urge to treat an adopted child differently when it comes to rules and boundaries; it's your responsibility to ensure that he has them, and he needs them.

Responding to Buried Trauma

Sometimes adopted children will display odd behaviours, usually avoiding specific places or things, as a result of negative past experiences. For example, some adopted children have been known to avoid entering cars of a certain colour as they associate them with being taken from one foster home to another.

Research shows that early childhood trauma can lead to mental health disorders later in life, so if your child exhibits such behaviours, you should take him or her to see a trained professional; a therapist can get to the root of the behaviour and help the child to overcome it through understanding and desensitization.

Difficulties With Food

Being deprived of food at an early age, which happens to a high percentage of adopted children from impoverished nations (and a sizable number of children who have been in group homes), can lead to odd food-related behaviours. These include:

- Extreme fussiness. It may seem counter-intuitive that a child who was deprived of food will refuse to eat many foods when they are widely available, but the child may easily become overwhelmed, unable to handle all of the new foods being served. Give her time to get used to them: this finickiness will often pass.

- Overeating. On the other end of the spectrum, some children who have been deprived of food in the past will behave more as one might expect, gorging on food—sometimes to the point of vomiting. While this can be upsetting, like fussiness, it's usually merely temporary; once the child sees that his or her food supply is not going to run out, he or she will begin to eat normally.

- Hoarding and hiding food. Children who do this are trying to ensure that they will have food security in the future, so while this behaviour may seem frustrating, it's often best to let the child engage in it for a little while, until he or she learns that there is no cause to worry.

 

Identifying More Serious Problems 

Adopted children sometimes go on to develop more serious behavioral and psychological issues as a result of early trauma, abuse, or deprivation. In other cases, as happens with non-adopted children, some adopted children may become troubled without a readily apparent cause.

Identifying these more serious problems begins with assessing their duration; almost all older adopted children will act out in the months after coming home as they wish to “test” their new parents, making sure that they will still be wanted if they behave badly. This is normal, and seldom necessitates the involvement of a therapist.

The range of signs that a child displays is another important indicator of a more serious problem; if a child exhibits just two or three of the signs listed below, the problem is likely temporary, whereas exhibiting three or more of these signs often means that the issue is serious and chronic in nature:

- Sudden changes in appetite;

- Changes in sleep habits;

- An inexplicable decline in his or her grades at school;

- Evasiveness;

- Poor hygiene;

- Heightened anxiety;

- Social isolation (or a sudden undesirable change in peer group);

- Loss of interest in favourite activities;

- Repetitive behaviours that last beyond the toddler years, such as rocking back and forth or head-banging;

- Violent outbursts or antisocial behaviour (stealing, setting fires, harming animals);

- Developmental delays;

- Self-injury;

- Substance abuse.

           If your child needs a therapist, it's essential that you find one who has an unbiased attitude towards adoption; some professionals take a negative view of adoption and will therefore incorrectly blame all of a child's issues on being adopted. Look for a therapist who understands the unique challenges of adoption (and how different types of adoption—from a foster home, from an orphanage, or from infancy—affect a child) but who also honours the strength and positivity of the bonds forged in adoptive families.

About Tali Shenfield

Dr. Tali Shenfield holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Toronto and is a licensed school and clinical psychologist. She has taught at the University of Toronto and has worked at institutions including the Hospital for Sick Children, Hincks-Dellcrest Centre, TDSB, and YCDSB. Dr. Shenfield is the Founder and Clinical Director of Advanced Psychology Services.

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