A number of different couples counselling techniques are available to help you improve your relationship. While each of these techniques uses a unique approach to strengthen communication, they aren’t mutually exclusive. Depending on your needs, your therapist may suggest using more than one of the therapeutic processes outlined below (either in combination or at separate stages during therapy).
Imago Relationship Therapy
Imago relationship therapy (IRT) focuses on the influence our formative years have on our adult relationships. Imago (Latin for image) refers to the subconscious image of relationships created by our early childhood experiences. The main objective of IRT is to help both partners reveal their “relationship images” and understand how their unconscious expectations are impacting their current dynamic. As such, you can expect to discuss your past with your partner during imago relationship therapy, including any traumatic events, abuse, or neglect that occurred during your childhood. You may also be asked to reflect on interpersonal issues that were present in your family household; e.g, recurring conflicts between parents, siblings, or relatives.
By sharing this deeply personal information with marriage and family therapist, you and your partner will gain a better appreciation for each other’s history and perspective. Throughout this process, you’ll build empathy and create a clear map of the patterns that have shaped your interactions with each other. In relationships where one or both partners come from a troubled family background, IRT can facilitate healing and encourage trust and connection, creating the foundation for a healthier relationship.
Gottman Method
Based on over 40 years of research by renown marriage therapists Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Julie, the Gottman method employs nine separate steps to reduce tension and facilitate teamwork in romantic relationships. The Gottmans believed these nine components were essential to building a “Sound Relationship House” based on mutual understanding and support:
1. The “Love Map.”
As part of the Gottman Method, couples are asked to build a love map detailing each partner's hopes, joys, fears, concerns, and personal history. Having a love map helps couples form clear goals and avoid misunderstandings.
2. Rewarding feedback.
Couples will be asked to regularly express their gratitude, respect, and appreciation for each other. This practice encourages partners to focus on each other’s strengths rather than weaknesses.
3. Responsiveness.
Couples will learn to respond to each other’s needs during day-to-day life, rather than (consciously or unconsciously) turning away from these opportunities for connection.
4. Positive problem-solving.
Dr. Gottman believed that learning to solve problems together as a couple is essential to relationship longevity. Couples will therefore be asked to work on their issues together while maintaining an attitude of optimism.
5. Conflict management.
In addition to improving their conflict resolution skills, couples will learn how to accept (and live with) differences that can’t be resolved.
6. Sharing dreams and aspirations.
For effective teamwork to take place, couples need to express their hopes and dreams and agree to help each other achieve their aspirations.
7. Creating a sense of shared meaning.
Sharing personal values, visions, and convictions will ensure you and your partner have a cohesive narrative for your relationship. In successful relationships, both partners feel like they’re on the same page, even if their outlooks sometimes differ.
8. Building trust.
Once a sense of connection and mutual purpose is properly established, couples can rebuild their trust in one another.
9. Solidifying commitment.
The final step in the Gottman method involves making a clear statement of commitment. Couples will be asked to believe in their union’s permanence and to act on this belief. For example, instead wishing or looking for a “better” partner, couples will focus on cherishing each other’s good qualities.
Emotionally Focused Therapy
Initially developed by Dr. Susan Johnson in the 1980s, emotionally focused therapy (EFT) has become a backbone of modern relationship therapy. After successfully pioneering EFT in her native Canada, Dr. Johnson and her partners established the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy to broaden the reach of their humanistic approach to couples therapy. Today, EFT is used in therapeutic settings around the world, and numerous studies attest to its efficacy. EFT has three main objectives:
- Improving relationship dynamics by repositioning partners to a more positive stance, especially during disagreements.
- Creating and maintaining a secure bond (trust) between partners.
- Expanding, reorganizing, and improving emotional responses.
To achieve these goals, couples will need to complete several distinct stages of therapy:
Stage One: Dismantling negative cycles.
During this stage, couples will identify their primary concerns and points of contention. The therapist will then help them identify areas where their negative belief systems are worsening conflict. Once each partner understands the role his or her fears have played in shaping an unhealthy dynamic, the therapist will encourage the couple to reframe their issues in a more positive light.
Stage Two: Creating positive patterns.
Stage two of EFT focuses on learning to express emotions honestly and openly, without allowing conflict to derail this process. Partners will be coached on how to meet each other’s needs with empathy, compassion, and support.
Stage Three: Implementing new skills.
The final stage of EFT involves reinforcing new communication and problem-solving skills and putting them into action. Couples will practice using what they’ve learned through EFT in diverse real-world scenarios to set the stage for long-term relationship success.
Narrative Therapy
Narrative therapy uses the power of personal storytelling to help couples and individuals regain a sense of control over the events in their lives. Dr. David Epston and Dr. Michael White, the team of Australian psychotherapists who developed narrative therapy, believed that creating a “life narrative” helps us see our problems more objectively and devise innovative solutions.
During narrative therapy, individuals are encouraged to examine how broader socio-cultural forces have shaped their lives, beliefs, and relationships. This process separates the patient from his (or her) problems, thereby allowing the patient to see past feelings of shame, self-doubt, resentment, etc. By overcoming feelings of blame and helplessness, patients can begin to review their issues from a more empowered standpoint.
As couples navigate this journey, the marriage counsellor or therapist provides support and insight while always respecting patients as the experts on their own lives. That is, the therapist will act as a collaborative partner in the couple’s problem-solving process rather than positioning him or herself as an authority figure.
Once couples have established a cohesive life narrative and worked through their negative emotions, they can begin readying themselves for the next chapter in their lives. The final stage of narrative therapy involves exploring alternative stories to create a healthier, more balanced narrative that’s free of self-limiting beliefs.
Positive Thinking
Though each type of couples therapy is distinct in its approach to solving problems, they all utilize the power of positive thinking. Many couples who seek therapy feel as though their relationship is dominated by negative interactions. As a result, they adopt a defensive, pessimistic attitude that prohibits healing and perpetuates conflict. By learning to focus on positive interactions instead of negative ones – before, during, and after therapy – you can build on your relationship’s strengths and open the channels of communication between you and your partner. Once this occurs, reaching a place of mutual understanding, empathy, and respect becomes much easier.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Can couples therapy harm your relationship?
Pursuing couples counselling is a positive, proactive step that can (and should) strengthen your relationship. However, it’s crucial to make sure the therapist you select is both highly qualified and a good fit for you and your partner. Before you begin therapy, verify that your chosen professional is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist (RMFT), a member of the Canadian Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and an experienced couples and marriage counsellor.
Once you’re actively in therapy, pay close attention to how your therapist communicates with you: Do you feel like he (or she) is approachable, unbiased, and insightful? Do you have a clear understanding of the goals you’re working towards in therapy? If not, you should address your concerns with your therapist as soon as possible.
Though most marriage therapists can successfully alter their approach to meet their clients’ needs, you may find that you simply don’t “click” with the first professional you contact. If this happens, remember that you have every right to change therapists until you find a good match. Poor communication or insufficient direction can derail the therapeutic process and delay healing.
Can a marriage counsellor advise you to end your relationship?
A qualified marriage and family therapist will never tell you to leave your partner, though he or she can support you if you’ve made the independent decision to end your relationship. End-of-relationship counselling is strongly recommended for couples who wish to separate or divorce amicably, especially couples with children.
If you wish to preserve and improve your relationship, on the other hand, your therapist will serve as an objective listener and mediator. He (or she) will help you identify the counterproductive habits, processes, and beliefs that are hindering your relationship. Then, you’ll work together to change limiting attitudes and master new skills and communication techniques.
Do couples’ therapists take sides?
Therapists must remain neutral to perform their role effectively. Your therapist has to maintain an impartial perspective to assess your situation properly, mediate conflict, facilitate mutual understanding, and help you prevent future issues. Objectivity is also necessary to ensure that both you and your partner feel welcome and accepted during sessions. Without this sense of safety, couples can’t honestly express their feelings and needs, which ultimately prevents healing. You should therefore never feel as though your therapist is inherently on your side (or your partner’s side), even if you’re seeking divorce therapy.
What kind of marital issues can be addressed via counselling?
Couples seek therapy for a wide variety of different reasons, from mild communication difficulties to serious problems like infidelity. Therapy is also an excellent choice for couples who hope to pursue positive goals together, such as starting a family.
Some of the most common situations addressed during couples counselling include:
- A pattern of repeated conflict; i.e., you feel like you’re stuck in a cycle of arguing about the same subject. Differences in parenting style, disagreements about money, and cultural or religious issues are common causes of chronic conflict.
- Your arguments are frequently hurtful; they don’t end constructively.
- You’ve been keeping a secret from your partner, and you aren’t sure how to broach the subject.
- You want to improve the way you communicate with your partner. For instance, you want to communicate more openly or less defensively.
- You’ve experienced a major life change, or you’re planning to make one (e.g., a career change, a house purchase, or having a child).
- You’re ready to marry your significant other. (This type of counselling is called premarital counselling, and it’s been shown to increase the chances of having a successful marriage).
- There are physical or emotional intimacy issues in the relationship.
- Infidelity has occurred.
Regardless of what issue you wish to address, remember that early intervention is the best strategy for success. Pursuing therapy as soon as you feel like you could benefit from it is better than waiting for your relationship to become strained. You may not necessarily feel “ready” for counselling, and that’s okay – your therapist will reassure you and help you find a path forward. Likewise, if you feel self-conscious about the nature of your issue or the composition of your relationship, be aware that therapy provides a safe, accepting space for all loving relationships. Don’t hesitate to be open and honest with your therapist; the better he or she understands your situation, the easier it will be to resolve your issue.
How effective is marriage counselling and therapy?
Couples often avoid seeking therapy because they see it as a sign their relationship is in peril. Fortunately, research doesn’t support this assumption: In reality, the results of attending couples counselling are almost always positive, with certain forms of therapy having a complete success rate of 75%. Similarly, 90% of couples who try therapy report experiencing significant improvements in the way they communicate and approach problems.