Children are experiencing a historic disruption in social development. The Covid-19 pandemic rapidly accelerated the preexisting trend of kids relying on digital devices (rather than face-to-face conversation) to stay in touch with peers, a phenomenon linked to language delays and increased social anxiety. Kids with poor communication skills also have more difficulties with academic learning, and research shows they face a greater risk of experiencing social challenges and mental health issues as adults.
Why is Face-to-Face Conversation Important for Kids?
Social media, text messages, and memes exclude crucial parts of human communication, such as gestures, eye contact, posture, and intonation. Without adequate exposure to these aspects of language, kids cannot learn how to read nonverbal cues, take turns in conversation, or adapt to the needs of their listeners. Kids without these skills tend to respond inappropriately in social situations, interrupt or talk over others, veer off topic frequently, and have difficulty conversing with people from different cultural backgrounds. As a result, they may struggle to convey their ideas and emotions clearly, collaborate effectively with others, and build strong relationships.
For adults raised without social media or smartphones, it’s difficult to understand the full scope and implication of the language deficits kids are potentially facing. For most adults, verbal and non-verbal communication is second nature; we don’t have to think about the many face-to-face interactions we have each day. However, if you stop to imagine what it would be like if you struggled to have productive discussions with work colleagues, healthcare providers, service people, or loved ones, the magnitude of the problem quickly becomes apparent. Fortunately, there are several techniques parents can use to mitigate the impact of technology and teach their kids to converse more fluently.
How to Teach Your Child Better Social & Communication Skills
When kids are small, we focus on teaching them the basics of language, such as vocabulary, sentence structure, and etiquette. As they get older, however, it’s important to continue honing their conversational abilities by practicing how to communicate in social situations. Doing so involves a different set of skills, known as pragmatics, that allow us to empathize with conversational partners, choose the most appropriate tone and body language, infer meaning correctly, and pace conversations properly (i.e., knowing when to start and stop speaking). Below, we’ll review some strategies for teaching pragmatics to school-aged kids and teens:
5 Ways to Strengthen a Younger Child’s Conversational Abilities
1. Encourage your child to engage in imaginative play.
During games of pretend, kids take on different roles and perspectives, which expands their ability to empathize with others. Play is also a natural way for kids to practice multiple social and communication skills, such as sharing, turn-taking, teamwork, and responding to verbal and non-verbal cues.
Engaging in unstructured, lightly supervised games with other kids is crucial to social development, but kids also benefit from playing creatively with their parents (especially when they’re small). Tap into your child’s imagination at home by telling stories together (with puppets or toys to represent characters) or playing games like charades.
2. Play board games together.
Board games challenge kids to wait patiently for their turn, follow social rules, and win (or lose) gracefully. Older kids can also boost their language skills by playing more advanced board games that use vocabulary (e.g., Scrabble or Boggle) or negotiation skills (Monopoly).
3. Practice real-world social situations.
Another way you can use pretend play to improve your child’s conversation skills is by acting out everyday scenarios. This activity lets your child practice greeting others, exchanging small talk, and saying goodbye. For example, you could use cardboard boxes and toys to represent a grocery store and take turns playing the role of cashier and customer.
4. Emphasize the value of politeness.
In addition to teaching your child how to share and use good manners, demonstrate gentle, considerate communication techniques. When you want your child to do something, avoid issuing commands, say please and thank you, and speak in a calm, warm tone. For example, instead of saying, “Clean up your room right now!” say, “I’d like you to please tidy up your room today. Is there anything I can do to help you get started?”
5. Model active listening skills.
Listening actively to your child makes them feel heard and validated and teaches them better communication and problem-solving skills. Active listening involves taking the following steps during conversations:
-When your child is speaking, give them your full attention. -Never interrupt or “talk at” your child; keep conversations reciprocal. -Maintain good eye contact. -When your child finishes speaking, briefly summarize what they said to make sure you understood their point. -Ask open-ended questions to explore the subject further.
5 Tips for Helping Teens Communicate Better
1. Practice making appropriate eye contact.
Teens are notorious for avoiding eye contact, but this behaviour usually isn’t meant to be disrespectful. Many teens – up to one in three – experience social anxiety, which can cause them to appear withdrawn and unresponsive. To help your teen feel more confident, ask them to practice making eye contact with you during about half of every conversation. You should also show them how to break eye contact respectfully, without appearing rude or nervous.
Maintaining eye contact while talking at home in a relaxed, casual setting will prepare your teen to present herself well during significant discussions with educators and prospective employers.
2. Create opportunities for small talk.
One of the main reasons modern teens’ conversational skills are lacking is the loss of minor everyday interactions, which have largely been replaced by texts, social media posts, and emails. By removing the need for small talk, digital devices reduce opportunities for teens to exercise their communication skills.
To counteract the effect of technology, create a rule forbidding smartphone usage (for the whole family) during car rides, errands, and dinner time. Instead, take this time to ask your child about their day or discuss matters of interest (such as current events or your teen’s favourite sport, subject, or hobby). If you aren’t sure what to talk about, you can start by sharing observations about the world around you; e.g., things you notice out the window while driving. The goal is to let the conversation unfold naturally, so your teen feels mentally engaged and at ease talking.
3. Don’t stop rehearsing real-world situations.
Just because your child is nearing adulthood, that doesn’t mean they don’t need social guidance. On the contrary, teens are encountering many tough conversations for the first time, whether it’s not knowing how to express concern for a friend, ace a job interview, or talk to their girlfriend’s (or boyfriend’s) parents.
Ask your teen if there are any current or upcoming social situations they feel apprehensive about, then offer to use role-playing exercises to ease their nerves. If your teen can’t think of any specific areas where they need help, start by practicing how to make an excellent first impression on others. Teach your teen how to enter a room, shake hands, sit down confidently and make a formal introduction. Discuss the importance of smiling at people when you first meet them and choosing the correct attire for the occasion.
4. Focus on body language.
As kids get older, peer relationships become more complex and nuanced. During adolescence, knowing how to infer the meaning behind subtle body language cues – like crossed arms, stiff posture, or a shifting gaze – becomes an important asset. Teens who can differentiate between positive and negative body language are better at finding people they can trust, avoiding risky or hostile situations, and adapting how they communicate to reflect their listeners.
Teens should also learn what message their body language sends to others and how to match their non-verbal communication with what they intend to say. To teach your teen these skills, show them how to maintain good posture, avoid slouching, and keep their arms relaxed when talking.
5. Encourage your teen to empathize with others.
It’s normal for adolescents to seem wrapped up in themselves; after all, they’re going through immense changes and dealing with intense, turbulent emotions. Their focus is typically on figuring out who they are and how they fit into society – not the feelings of others. However, research shows that teens who take the time to empathize aren’t just better communicators; they also have a stronger sense of purpose and identity, which can ease their transition into adulthood.
Because teens often feel awkward sharing vulnerable emotions, the best way to start teaching empathy is by example. Actively inquire about your teen’s life and interests, remind them that you’re always there if they need you, and never minimize or invalidate their feelings. Show care and concern for others and look for ways to give back to your community. At the same time, encourage your teen to use active listening techniques with their peers and get involved with causes they care about. Make sure your teen knows that being empathetic doesn’t necessarily mean having an intense discussion; it can be something as simple as asking a friend how they’re doing.
Getting Help for Communication Problems
In a small percentage of children, difficulty initiating and holding conversations indicates the presence of a more serious underlying condition. Learning, developmental, and communication disorders can derail normal language development, for instance. Sometimes these issues are obvious, such as when a child stutters or displays Selective Mutism, but speech and language deficits can also be quite subtle (for example, a child who has persistent difficulty following verbal instructions or whose grades don’t align with their intellectual abilities). Other warning signs to look out for include an older child preferring to use gestures rather than speech or failing to respond to non-verbal cues, like pointing or waving.
If you suspect your child’s language difficulties are more than a phase or lack of practice, talk to their teacher and their doctor. Depending on their observations, they may recommend several specialized tests for your child, including a hearing test, a psycho-educational assessment, or a speech-language evaluation. These tests will examine your child’s learning style and ability to process language, in addition to looking for possible physical causes of their symptoms. From there, you can find the best path forward to help your child overcome communication problems, feel more confident, and establish meaningful connections with peers.
