In an ideal world, our children would leap out of bed every day, eager to go to school, do their chores, and complete their homework. Alas, we do not live in an ideal world; the vast majority of parents have to deal with at least some degree of unmotivated behaviour from their children. There is, however, a silver lining to this phenomenon: The fact that your child doesn’t care about all of the same things you do suggests that she has the confidence to assert her own opinions. Likewise, a child who isn’t exhibiting unusual levels of perfectionism is probably emotionally healthier than one who is.
Of course, at this juncture, most parents will be thinking, “But what about her grades/eventual college applications/career? Isn’t a motivated child a successful child?” Naturally, we want our children to feel empowered to reach their full potential, in whatever way is right for them. We want them to develop a strong work ethic and self-discipline, too. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, and yes, a bit of encouragement can go a long way when it comes to raising a happy and successful child. Where most parents go wrong is in the tactics they use to motivate their children—many of which have the opposite effect.
These unhelpful approaches usually lie rooted in fear: Parents feel solely responsible for their child’s outcome in life rather than accepting the fact that, ultimately, their child is responsible for her own choices. They become so preoccupied with worry that they nag, cajole, bribe, and threaten their child. Eventually, they either explode with frustration or give up and start to do things “for” their child. For example, they start to do her homework so that she doesn’t fail her classes or pick up after her so she doesn’t trip while navigating her room. This, of course, builds resentment that eventually boils over.
In essence, many parents turn their loving desire to see their child flourish into an ongoing battle of wills. This saps both their energy and their child’s. The fact of the matter is that no parent ever wins this tug-of-war: You cannot make your child care about something. She either does or she doesn’t. You can, however, influence and inspire her so that she might begin motivating herself.
How To Encourage Your Child To Motivate Herself
The first step to motivating a reluctant child is to rule out possible causes of reluctance. These include undiagnosed learning disabilities and mental illnesses, both of which can make even “normal” tasks extremely challenging. You should also take who your child is into account and think about what phase of development she is in. For example, if she’s a dedicated artist but doesn’t seem to “care” about school, she’s probably already found her passion in life and is trying to be successful. If she’s entered her teen years and no longer seems motivated to get up in the morning, look at when her first class starts; teens naturally have a later sleep cycle than children and frequently suffer from fatigue. In short, you shouldn’t rush to judge your child as being “unmotivated” before you understand her nature and situation. Get to know your child as a person.
As you do the aforementioned, you should also adjust your motivational techniques. The five parenting strategies below will provide a useful reference in this endeavour:
1. Leave your anxiety at the door. If your child perceives you as being anxious, she will do one of two things: Resist you because the situation feels threatening or comply just to calm you down (whether she’s actually motivated or not). Neither of these outcomes is desirable. Present issues in a positive light instead and encourage your child to find reasons within herself to feel motivated.
2. Be an inspirational leader. Many parents of chronically unmotivated children get so caught up in their worry that they forget to focus on themselves—what makes them happy, what they’re passionate out, etc. Ironically, however, the best way to motivate your child is to stop trying to motivate her directly and instead act as an inspiration. Rather than trying to control her, encourage her to join you in pursuing meaningful life goals and enjoyable activities.
3. Let your child make her own choices. Unless your child is putting herself at risk of real harm, let her make mistakes. Let her face the consequences of her actions—or inaction, as the case may be. This strategy should likewise be a part of how you approach discipline. If your child loses a privilege because, for example, she neglected to do her homework, put the responsibility for regaining that privilege in her hands. Offer to return the privilege only when she completes the work (rather than applying a simple time limit to the consequence, e.g., “No computer time for a week.”)
4. Figure out what motivates your child. Everyone is motivated by something. As a parent, it’s your job to find out what motivates your child—not what should motivate your child, but what actually does. Find out what your child wants, why she wants it, and then figure out how to translate her core motivation(s) into something broader. Work collaboratively with your child to help her reach her goals.
5. When in doubt, ask. Many parents vex themselves endlessly by trying to answer the question, “Why isn’t my child motivated?” The best way to answer this question is to actually ask your child rather than trying to figure it out all on your own. Of course, you’re not likely to receive a comprehensive answer if you bluntly inquire, “So, why aren’t you motivated, anyway?” You can, however, learn a lot about how your child thinks if you ask more subtle open-ended questions. For instance, rather than asking, “Did you study for your test?” (when you know your child has not), ask, “I noticed you didn’t study for your math test yesterday, but you studied for your history test last week—why the difference?” You might discover that, for example, your child dislikes her math teacher because he’s harsh and critical. You can then look for a pattern: Is your child always less motivated to perform in classes where she fears criticism?
By acting as a compassionate investigator rather than a taskmaster, you can unlock not only what motivates your child, but also what makes her who she is. Remember: The most successful life is one that is lived authentically. By getting to know your child, you’ll be empowering her—and an empowered child is a motivated child.
