Having well-developed social skills is fundamental to achieving personal success and happiness. Social skills help kids express themselves, advocate for their needs, collaborate with others, and establish strong, fulfilling relationships. Without adequate social skills, children often become isolated and prone to emotional and behavioural problems, which may lead to more severe issues later in life.
Kids learn the bulk of their social skills organically, both from observing the adults around them and from interacting with other children. Still, just like any aptitude, social competence can be honed and reinforced through regular practice. Practicing social skills is particularly important for kids with learning disabilities and developmental disorders, as these conditions often affect the ability to communicate, manage impulses, pick up on social cues, and empathize with others. In the guide below, we’ll share a range of activities parents can use to sharpen specific social skills at each stage of their child’s life.
Young Children: Ages 1-3
Sharing Scenarios
Teaching your toddler how to share and take turns both prevents conflict and builds empathy. Research shows that one and two year-olds who practice engaging in reciprocal acts of sharing respond to new acquaintances with greater kindness and altruism. (Barragan and Dweck, 2015)
To help your child develop these skills, sit down with her and simulate the real-world sharing scenarios that she’s most likely to encounter. Try passing a ball back and forth for a few minutes (or until your toddler tires of the activity) to introduce the concept of taking turns. Next time, choose a toy and let your child know that you’re both going to take turns playing with it. (You can agree on a length of time for each turn and set a timer to make this activity easier for your child to understand.) Ask your child politely to pass the toy to you when her turn is done, and instruct her to do the same after your turn.
Emotional Charades
Very young children may not innately pick up on others’ emotions, which can contribute to conflict and other social problems. (For instance, if your child doesn’t understand that her actions have upset another child, she may keep repeating those actions until the other child leaves or reacts angrily.) Poor emotional recognition can also derail the process of making friends, because knowing when another child needs help or comforting is a major component of friendship.
To improve your child’s ability to empathize with others and read facial expressions, try playing “emotional charades.” Act out a specific emotion, then ask your child to guess which feeling you were trying to portray. Then, switch roles and have your child simulate an emotion while you do the guessing.
Along with building empathy, playing emotional charades will help your child learn to anticipate others’ actions. Children who have this skill are less likely to behave reactively because they can predict what others will do next, which gives them time to consider their response.
School-Aged Children: Ages 4-8
Group Social Situations
Most school-aged kids have mastered the basics of one-on-one socialization, but they can still become confused or overwhelmed by group interaction. As such, role-playing group events (like birthday parties and family gatherings) is a useful way to prepare your child for the demands of complex situations. To simulate group events, you can enlist the aid of same-age siblings, or you can set up toys and ask your child to pretend they’re people.
When you practice group interaction with your child, focus on overcoming specific challenges; e.g:
-Attending a gathering where there are a lot of people your child doesn’t know well. Practice skills like making introductions (without interrupting ongoing conversations) and breaking the ice with open-ended questions.
-A social situation becomes too loud or overwhelming for your child. Talk about ways to leave the situation without feeling awkward or looking rude, then step through how to calm down once she’s found a quiet place.
-Your child is involved in a discussion with several other people. Help her find ways to interject and share her thoughts without cutting anyone else off or dominating the conversation.
-An acquaintance asks your child an awkward question; e.g., they inquire about a friend that your child is no longer friends with. Practice responding to the question without either becoming defensive or sharing too much personal information.
Public Manners
School-aged children are expected to demonstrate more restraint and consideration in public than babies or toddlers. You should therefore rehearse how to politely handle real-world situations with your child, such as going to restaurants and accompanying you on shopping trips. Set up a pretend restaurant and show your child the appropriate way to order food, how to thank the server, and how to respond if she receives the wrong order. You should also encourage your child to excuse herself if she needs to leave the table to use the washroom.
For shopping trips, teach your child how to ask for items she wants, and how to wait patiently while you consider the purchase. When your child is old enough to buy items on her own, pretend to be a cashier so she can practice making purchases.
Preteens: Ages 9-12
Dealing with Rejection
Preteens desperately want to be accepted by their peers, but unfortunately, cliquish behaviour is very common within this age group. By allowing your child to work through potential criticism and rejection in a safe environment, you’ll arm her with the skills she needs to overcome teasing and other forms of exclusion.
Explain that kids put others down because they’re looking for a reaction, not because their observations are true. Getting a reaction from others makes them feel powerful, which is enticing at an age when most kids feel extremely insecure about themselves. Your child needs to know that negative remarks aren’t an accurate reflection of who she is; instead, this kind of behaviour stems from the other child’s personal issues.
Talk to your child about examples of cliquish behaviour she’s experienced or witnessed at school, or seen on television. Then, come up with strategies for defusing these difficult situations and let your child try employing them. Depending on your child’s personality, she may feel most comfortable using humour to combat teasing, or she may wish to just respond politely (e.g., by saying something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way; I’ll leave you alone.”) and walk away. Let your child repeat her responses until she can articulate them in a clear, confident way while maintaining steady eye contact.
Before you end this lesson, make sure you teach your child the difference between cliquish behaviour and bullying. Bullying occurs when the offending child refuses to stop teasing, even when the other child tries to exit the situation (for instance, they pursue the victim or resume teasing the next day), or any time the abuse turns physical. Tell your child that she should talk to you as soon as possible if she thinks she’s being bullied.
Establishing Positive Connections
Forming and maintaining friendships is challenging for preteens, especially those who must transition to a new school. Knowing how to use positive feedback to start conversations will help your preteen confidently reach out to her peers.
To give genuine compliments, your child will need to learn how to identify unique, interesting qualities in others. (Superficial compliments, like telling another child she has a nice outfit, are generally less impactful and may come across as insincere.) She should look for things that her peers are passionate about, or that they excel at doing, and express friendly curiosity about them. Some examples of good conversation openers include: “You’re great at basketball - how long have you been playing?” and, “I love your drawing style - who’s your inspiration?”
Your child can practice this skill at home by pointing out things you’re good at, and by imagining how she’d compliment characters on her favourite TV shows if she met them in real life.
Taking Part in Activities
Taking part in activities, like sports, clubs, and group projects, is an essential part of establishing a sense of belonging, purpose, and identity. Unfortunately, because most preteens are inherently shy and insecure, they often don’t know how to approach group activities. They might worry about not being welcome, not being talented enough to participate, or not knowing how to express their ideas.
To ease your child into the habit of participation, invite her to join in household activities, such as spring cleaning or movie night. Have your child introduce herself and ask relevant questions about the activity (such as, “How will I be helping with this?” and, “What kind of schedule can I expect for this activity?”) After the activity is complete, sit down and discuss it: Does everyone feel like the activity was a success? Does anyone have ideas for how to improve the activity in the future? Help your child practice sharing her ideas without arguing or interrupting, and emphasize the importance of taking turns while speaking.
Adolescents: Ages 13-18
Dealing with Peer Pressure
During high school, most teens will be pressured to try risky activities at some point, such as smoking or drug and alcohol use. Even if your child wants to say “no” to these offers, she might worry about losing the respect and acceptance of her peers if she refuses. (Teens with poor self-esteem are particularly susceptible to these kinds of fears.)
To prevent awkward situations, tell your child that she shouldn’t feel like she has to explain her reasons for not wanting to smoke, drink, or use drugs. (In fact, in some cases, this may just encourage the other child to try to change her mind.) It’s usually better to use short, simple phrases to move on from the issue; e.g., “I’m not drinking tonight,” “I don’t like alcohol,” or, “I’m not into that kind of thing, but it’s fine if you do it.” Pick a set of phrases your child feels comfortable using, then role-play potential peer pressure scenarios until she feels prepared to handle them confidently. You should also let your child know she can call you for a ride home any time she feels uncomfortable at a gathering.
Being Professional
Facing a first job interview is an intimidating prospect. To make the experience less nerve-wracking for your child, sit down with her and share tips based on your own experience. Review common interview questions, and let your child know which ones can be tricky to answer. For example, when your child is asked what her greatest weakness is, she should avoid saying she’s a “perfectionist” or a “workaholic.” She should instead share a genuine weakness, but also explain how she’s worked to effectively overcome it. Communication strategies like these spin answers to the positive while still demonstrating sincerity and self-awareness. You should also help your child use her body language to convey curiosity, confidence, and vitality while she answers interview questions.
Managing the Challenges of Dating
In addition to talking about the best ways to ask someone out on a date, it’s important to have an open, honest conversation about romantic rejection with your teen. She needs to know how to handle being rejected without making the other party feel guilty or pressured, and she needs to know how to turn down dates without being hurtful.
For turning down a date, help your child practice starting the conversation on a positive note (this will lessen the sting of rejection). For example, she might say, “I really enjoy your company, but I just don’t see you that way,” or, “I really appreciate your friendship, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” When she faces rejection herself, she can use phrases like, “I understand. I hope we can keep being friends, because I really value you,” or, “That’s okay; there’s no hard feelings. I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable in any way.”
Tell your teen that if she feels hurt by a dating experience, she can always come to you for comfort or assistance. You should also discuss which professional resources are available (e.g., counselling) in the event that your child doesn’t feel comfortable discussing her romantic life with family members.
Practicing social situations at home is a great way to help your child hit important milestones with minimal strife. Even so, some kids need extra help to bring their communication, empathy, and impulse control skills up to an age-appropriate level. If your child has a learning disability or developmental disorder, professional interventions like behavioural and speech therapy should be used alongside at-home coaching to ensure social success.
