Having a sense of fairness is a great virtue and a sign that your child has a strong moral compass. Sometimes, however, kids become obsessed with fairness to an unrealistic degree. Toddlers, gifted children, and children with ADHD are especially prone to this kind of behaviour. When left unchecked, a deep preoccupation with fairness can lead to excessive tantrums, arguments on the playground, and other social issues. If your child is obsessed with fairness, you’ll need to work on balancing out his (or her) expectations while appreciating his strong sense of justice.
4 Ways to Moderate Your Child’s Fixation with Fairness
1. Understand that kids perceive fairness differently at different ages.
Separate parts of the brain are responsible for processing situations that are unfair to us and situations that are unfair to others. The part of the brain that recognizes unfairness that directly affects us (that is, situations where we receive less than other people) develops before the part of the brain that recognizes general unfairness (situations where others receive less than we do.) This can make small children appear very self-centered in their approach to equality: Your toddler might throw a tantrum if he gets less dessert than his sibling, for example, yet be completely unbothered when his sibling gets the smaller portion.
Interestingly, research shows that kids of all ages are aware that resources should be shared equally, but small children struggle to put this knowledge into practice. It isn’t until age seven or eight that children begin to correctly identify general unfairness around them and act on it.
Toddlers also have a poor sense of nuance, and this makes it hard for them to understand that equality and fairness aren’t always the same thing. Your toddler might have a meltdown over the fact that you get larger meals than he does, whereas older children know that adults need more food because they’re physically larger. This can lead to apparently irrational actions, like a child demanding more food even before he’s able to finish what’s on his plate.
When parenting a toddler, it’s important to avoid reading too much into these behaviours. Having a somewhat one-sided obsession with fairness doesn’t mean your child is greedy or unusually selfish; he’s just acting his age. Instead of getting upset, focus on teaching your toddler how to share and how to take turns. Developing these core skills will help him gradually learn to see situations from multiple points of view. You can also provide your child with calm, simple explanations for why certain inequalities exist; e.g., “Daddy needs more food because he’s bigger.”
2. Help your child see the greater picture.
Though children develop a fairly complex sense of fairness by the time they reach their preteen years, they may still occasionally struggle with perspective. Your older child might exclaim, “It’s not fair!” when one of his friends is allowed to stay up later than he is, or allowed to hang out at the mall even though he hasn’t done his homework yet.
In these situations, it can be helpful to explain why adhering to specific rules will yield fair results over the long term, even if it feels unfair in the short term. For instance, over time, being well-rested and completing homework consistently will make it easier to excel at school. This in turn will lead to more fulfilling career prospects. By following the rules, your child increases his chance of eventually securing fair rewards.
Explaining the bigger picture won’t always make your child want to follow the rules, but it will reframe the situation in a less personal light. Your child will understand that rules exist to help him - not to punish him unfairly.
3. Know when to consider counselling.
Having a rigid notion of fairness is normal for most small children (and usually nothing to worry about). When an obsession with fairness extends into late childhood or becomes extreme, on the other hand, it may be a sign of a deeper problem. If your ten year old is still having tantrums whenever he gets less than his siblings or peers, or he insists on counting and measuring items to ensure equal distribution, you should consult a mental health professional.
In some cases, having a preoccupation with fairness can indicate a mental health issue (like anxiety); it’s also a hallmark of certain developmental conditions, notably Autism and ADHD. More rarely, kids develop an intense need for fairness in response to a traumatic event. If your child has lost a loved one, for example, he might try to address his underlying sense of injustice by making everything else fair. Regardless of what’s causing your child’s preoccupation with equality, a therapist can identify the issues at hand and suggest behaviour modification strategies.
4. Connect your child with opportunities to address injustice.
Some kids - especially those who are highly sensitive, gifted, or have ADHD - have a very hard time coming to terms with the amount of unfairness they observe in the world around them. This can cause them to feel frustrated, helpless, and even depressed. If you’re parenting a child like this, you may feel equally frustrated and helpless owing to your inability to remedy the situation.
Rather than expecting your child to eventually accept the old adage that “life isn’t fair,” try to provide him with productive ways to act upon his desire for justice. Volunteering can provide an excellent avenue for kids to explore their innate sense of equity, as can helping friends and neighbours in need.
Watching your child’s sense of fairness gradually develop into robust morals and helpful habits is one of the great joys of parenting. Balancing your child’s wants and expectations with appropriate social skills and a broader perspective is often all that’s necessary to transform early notions of equality into a lifelong passion for equity… And that’s a trait any parent can be proud of.
Author: Rachel Cohen
This is a guest post by Toronto psychotherapist Rachel Cohen. You can follow Rachel on Twitter at @RachiieCohen
