Communicating with young children can be challenging even for adults, so it’s no surprise that kids under five often have difficulty talking to one another. If you have a small child, you’ve probably been in situations where your child appeared to be happily interacting with a sibling or peer, only for one party to suddenly get upset or withdraw. Usually, these rifts occur because one of the children involved in the discussion was much more focused on sharing her ideas than listening to the other child.
Children have a natural tendency to dominate conversations because of the way their brains operate: Kids have a lot of ideas that feel very novel and exciting to them, so they’re enthusiastic about voicing their opinions. Likewise, because they have poorly-developed impulse control skills, they frequently just “blurt out” whatever is on their minds, without waiting for their turn to talk. Children under five also struggle to read nonverbal cues, like body language, so they usually can’t tell when someone else wants to speak or end the conversation. When two children are eager to express their ideas at the same time, these natural communication skill deficits can cause social friction.
Though it will take years for your child to learn how to communicate in a mature, balanced way, there are a number of techniques you can use to teach her how to talk (and listen) more effectively. Practicing these strategies will help your child become a better communicator later in life, along with improving her peer relationships in the short-term:
4 Ways to Help Your Child Advance Her Communication Skills
1. Teach your child how to begin conversations properly.
Kids usually have two primary motivations for initiating conversation: They either want to ask a question or share their thoughts. Because both of these desires feel pressing to small children, they often begin speaking without greeting their conversational partner or engaging in small talk. This can create the impression that they’re being rude or pushy, even if they don’t mean to be.
Modeling basic greetings and conversation starters will help your child learn the skills she needs to establish two-way communication. When you’re with your child, make sure you smile and wave at people you know before you start talking to them. Your child will observe your actions and naturally start to emulate them. You should also start conversations with your child by expressing interest in how she feels: Ask your child open-ended questions (e.g., “How was your day?” or “What did you learn today?”) regularly; don’t open discussions by telling her what you think or what you want her to do unless it’s necessary. Once your child has gotten used to answering these kinds of questions, encourage her to try asking other people similar things after she greets them.
2. Practice using the “look, listen, learn” style of communication.
Creating very simple guidelines to follow can assist young children in remembering how to communicate correctly. Help your child practise using the “look, listen, learn” system to navigate conversations in a respectful, thoughtful way:
Look: Ask your child to sit or stand up straight, set aside whatever she’s doing, and look you in the eyes. If your child is shy about making eye contact, let her look at another part of your face instead, like the bridge of your nose or the centre of your forehead. Explain that assuming this posture lets other people know we’re ready to listen to them.
Listen: Ask your child to remain quiet until you’ve expressed a complete thought. Tell her that if she needs to agree or disagree with what you’re saying, she can nod or shake her head.
Learn: Once you’ve finished speaking, invite your child to ask questions. Explain that questions can be used to make sure we understand what someone else wanted to say, or they can be used to seek extra information.
After your child has completed these steps, let her know she’s free to share her own thoughts. When your child continues the conversation, make sure you use the look, listen, learn system, too.
3. Encourage your child to remain in challenging conversations.
When small children feel uncertain or insecure during conversations, they’re prone to “shutting down” in order to escape the interaction. This can make the child they’re talking to feel hurt or ignored.
To help your child maintain calm, productive interactions, teach her that it’s okay to feel unsure. Give her tools she can use to share her thoughts, even when she doesn’t have a definite answer or opinion. For example, you can teach your child to say “I think” rather than saying “I don’t know” when she feels unsure, then she can respond with her best guess.
4. Find creative ways to teach your child to wait before she speaks.
Games of “give and take” are a great way to get kids used to pausing before they speak. Games of catch, for example, can be modified to pace conversations: Say something brief, then bounce a ball to your child. After she catches it, let her make a short statement; when she’s done, she can bounce the ball back. For best results, keep the conversation fun; try telling jokes or making up a story together.
Making up continuous stories can be enjoyable in other settings, too, like when your family is waiting for a meal. Having each person in your family contribute to an ongoing plot-line can both pass the time and emphasize the value of taking turns during conversation.
Practicing these four communication strategies at least a few times per week will help your child improve her social skills and become more confident and outgoing. By learning to communicate effectively at home, your child will hone the tools she needs to build strong friendships when she begins school.
