Empathizing with your child when his behaviour is frustrating can be challenging, but it’s an essential part of being a supportive, trustworthy parent. When you empathize with your child, you let him know that you respect and value his feelings, even if you don’t always agree with how he handles them. You show him that you care about his needs and that you’re on his side when he’s struggling, so he never feels alone with his worries or fears.
What is Empathy, and Why is it So Valuable?
Empathy is an inquisitive, proactive way of responding to others’ emotions, which makes it distinct from the more passive state of sympathy. When we sympathize with someone, we often condone their behaviour or feel sorry for them. When we empathize with someone, on the other hand, we seek to understand how the current situation looks and feels from their perspective. Instead of judging their response, we ask, “Why did you react that way?” and, “What can I do to help you manage this issue better?”
Sympathy has its place, such as when a person is grieving a loss, but empathy is far more useful as a parenting tool. By empathizing with your child, you encourage him to analyze his feelings, rethink problems, and find new ways to express his wants and needs. This strengthens a broad range of social, cognitive, and communication skills.
Research shows that kids with empathetic parents tend to be more motivated and resilient, and they typically have higher self-esteem. They’re also better at regulating their emotions and thinking of others, because they’ve been raised by parents who consistently model consideration and self-control.
9 Ways to Demonstrate Empathy When Your Child is Struggling
1. Hone in on your child’s needs.
When your child is experiencing difficult emotions, your first instinct is probably to support him in the way you’d like to be supported. Though you mean well, it’s important to remember that your child is his own unique person, and his needs may be very different from your own. Instead of projecting how you’d like to be treated if you were in your child’s place, try to figure out how your child wants to be treated.
Honing in on your child’s needs doesn’t mean letting him get away with bad behaviour or preventing him from making his own mistakes. It means approaching problems from your child’s perspective instead of your own, so you can take his feelings and challenges into account as you guide him.
2. Don’t assume you know how your child is feeling.
Picking up on nonverbal cues can help you identify situations that are frightening, frustrating, or overwhelming for your child. However, while this skill can be useful for preventing meltdowns in young children, it should never be used as a substitute for asking how your child feels.
When your child is upset, let him explain his feelings and point of view as soon as you’re in a calm, safe setting. You should do this even when your child clearly appears to be in the wrong, e.g., after he’s taken something that didn’t belong to him or started a fight. Understanding your child’s perspective (and giving him a chance to review his actions) will help you collaborate more effectively as you look for solutions to problem behaviours.
3. Don’t react.
No matter what your child has done, being an empathetic parent means putting your own frustration and opinions aside until your child has fully processed the situation. Your child needs to know that you’ll listen to him without judging him, even when he’s made a mistake. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share your thoughts with your child - you should - but hear him out first, and keep your body language relaxed and receptive as you listen.
4. Avoid the use of accusatory language.
After you’ve listened to your child’s side of the story, use “I” statements rather than “you” statements to convey your feelings. Using “you” statements (e.g., “You’re being unreasonable!” or, “That was your fault.”) makes kids feel cornered and accused. When this happens, they focus on defending their position and stop listening to you. Using “I” statements, on the other hand, lets you share your take on things without laying blame. For instance, you might say, “I know you’re very frustrated right now, but I need you to calm down and talk to me in a quiet voice, so I can figure out what happened.”
5. Don’t rush to fix your child’s problems.
You’ve probably been in situations where you just wanted to vent, without having someone else try to solve the problem at hand. Though children are more dependent than adults, they also have moments where they just need to be heard, without feeling pressured to resolve the issue right away. A common example of this is when a child has a falling-out with a friend: Most kids in this position need to express their feelings of sadness and anger, but they don’t want their parents to directly intervene.
When something is wrong in your child’s life, remember that being helpful starts with listening and fully understanding the problem. After you’ve talked things through, ask your child if he wants you to do something to address the problem he’s facing. If he doesn’t, let him know that’s okay; you’ll still be there for him in whatever way he needs.
6. Take breaks when you need to.
Even the most caring parents have their limits. If your child is having a particularly challenging outburst, you may find it impossible to keep your cool, no matter how hard you try. When this happens, it’s better to take a “time out” than try to push your capabilities to the breaking point. Not only will you prevent altercations by stepping back, you’ll show your child how to be self-aware and set boundaries.
When you need to take a time out, say something neutral like, “I think we’re both having a hard time staying calm right now. I’m going to step away to collect my thoughts, but I’ll be back as soon as I feel able to listen properly.”
7. Use open-ended questions to tap into what your child is feeling.
Open-ended questions invite conversation because they don’t have simple “yes or no” answers. Asking your child open-ended questions is empathetic because it shows you’re interested in exploring his feelings, not just confirming facts. For example, asking “What is it about going to the dentist that scares you?” encourages more sharing than asking, “Did going to the dentist scare you?”
Open-ended questions also make it easier to support your child by generating valuable insights into his needs. To build on the example above, if you know the noise of the dentist’s drill is what scared your child the most, you can ask if he’d like to use earplugs next time he has a cavity filled.
8. Listen actively and attentively.
Being an empathetic parent means making time to listen to your child without interrupting him or becoming distracted. When you’re discussing your child’s feelings, give him your full attention, let him finish his thoughts completely, then confirm that you understood what he meant to say. This communication technique is known as “active listening,” and it’s an excellent way to avoid misunderstandings and show your child that you respect and value what he has to say.
9. Validate your child’s emotions.
Kids sometimes become upset by things that appear minor or illogical to adults, but it’s vital to remember that your child’s emotions are very real to him, no matter what the situation looks like from the outside. Never belittle your child’s feelings, and be careful to avoid reassuring him in ways that minimize what he’s going through (e.g., don’t use statements like “That isn’t a big deal.”) Help your child accept his feelings by teaching him that emotions aren’t “right” or “wrong;” all feelings are valid, but it’s up to us to find productive ways of handling them.
Empathetic parents raise caring, compassionate kids who feel secure in themselves and their relationships. Their children are less susceptible to problem behaviours, including disruptive outbursts and bullying, and they typically enjoy better mental health. By empathizing with your child’s struggles today, you empower him to overcome the challenges of tomorrow with grace and resilience.
