Gifted and talented children frequently surprise their parents, teachers, and peers by rapidly mastering challenging material. However, their ease of learning belies the wide range of difficulties that can accompany asynchronous development. Gifted kids are prone to perfectionism, intense sensitivity, problems with social identity and self-definition, feelings of alienation, and anxiety. For children who are exceptionally gifted, these challenges are often as magnified as their heightened intellectual ability. Without adequate understanding and support, kids in this category face an increased risk of experiencing social and emotional disturbances; they’re also particularly susceptible to misdiagnosis. Though highly gifted kids make up just 3-5% of the population, they’re over-represented among children improperly labeled as having a mental illness, Autism, or ADHD. Just as worrying, up to 20% of children in this category drop out of school prematurely.[1]
The problems faced by highly gifted kids aren’t an unavoidable byproduct of exceptional intelligence, though these children are uniquely vulnerable. Research shows that highly gifted children can grow into incredibly successful and well-adjusted adults when provided with the right environment. Instead, the problem lies in society's expectations for unusually bright kids: Highly gifted children are often pressured to meet unrealistic behavioural and academic standards, which exacerbates their natural perfectionism. They’re also frequently subjected to unengaging educational and social environments, and as a result, they feel bored and isolated. These factors coalesce to undermine their self-confidence, motivation, and resilience.
If highly gifted kids are to achieve personal happiness and intellectual fulfillment, it’s of paramount importance that parents understand – and advocate for – their unique needs. Below, we’ll examine some of the issues faced by exceptionally intelligent children and provide insight on how to support them:
5 Vulnerabilities of Highly Gifted Children – And How Parents Can Help
1. Asynchronous development.
Most gifted children have the intellectual capabilities of an adult juxtaposed with normal physical and emotional maturation – a state often referred to as “asynchronous development.” Far from being unaware of this gap in ability, gifted kids tend to feel it acutely: They frequently have adult aspirations and ideas, only to discover they can’t execute them satisfactorily owing to their limited motor and social skills. A gifted child might imagine a complex drawing, for example, only to become frustrated when his hands can’t reproduce what he sees in his mind. This discrepancy can make gifted kids feel incompetent even when they complete projects that are very advanced for their age. For highly gifted children, whose intellects vastly exceed the constraints of their childish bodies, this frustration is especially powerful – as is the toll it can exact on their self-esteem.
Above all else, highly gifted kids need their parents and educators to recognize this struggle and help them align their expectations with the reality of being a child. Instead of questioning your child’s age-appropriate behaviours, treat his tantrums and social blunders the same way you would treat any other child’s. At school, don’t let your child’s educators misinterpret normal outbursts as a psychological problem simply because your child is very intelligent. If your child is genuinely more disruptive than other children, it’s probably because his teacher has underestimated both his abilities and his need to be challenged.[2] In most cases, appropriate educational supports will remedy this kind of behaviour.
To prevent your child from becoming disheartened with his endeavors, you’ll also need to support his hobbies at home. When you see him struggling with a project, remind him that his body needs time to catch up with what his brain can already do. Explain that everyone needs practice to master complex skills, and avoid focusing on his areas of weakness.
2. Perfectionism.
Perfectionism and asynchronous development often go hand-in-hand. Along with the ability to conceptualize and execute complex projects comes keen critical thinking skills, which enable gifted kids to identify even minor shortcomings in their efforts. Compounding this, many gifted kids hold themselves to unrealistic standards because they understand – and want to emulate – the work of adult experts.
In moderation, perfectionism isn’t necessarily harmful; it’s part of what gives gifted kids their precise attention to detail and characteristic drive to achieve greatness. When perfectionism becomes extreme, however, the performance anxiety it causes may lead to procrastination, an unwillingness to try new things, and crippling self-doubt. Children struggling with these feelings will often intentionally under-achieve in order to avoid the pain of failure. Highly gifted kids, whose attention to detail and sensitivity typically exceeds that of moderately gifted kids, are more likely to experience these negative aspects of perfectionism. This may be one reason why moderately gifted children are more likely to fit the “high achiever” model of giftedness than highly gifted kids.
If you’re parenting an especially self-critical child, you’ll need to deliver feedback carefully. Gifted kids who repeatedly hear that their projects are “wonderful” despite their own misgivings may start to lose faith in the value of praise. Conversely, however, agreeing with your child’s self-critical observations will only reinforce his unrealistic expectations. Generally, the best approach lies somewhere in the middle: When you’re commenting on your child’s work, emphasize specific things he’s done well and avoid using vague positive statements. When your child mentions some facet of his work he isn’t happy with, don’t contradict him; instead, try to understand his point of view, then talk about ways he might adjust his approach for better results next time. It’s vital to make sure your highly gifted child sees failure as something he can learn from and overcome, not an indicator of overall lack of ability. Only by developing a mastery-based mindset will he be able to channel his perfectionism in healthy, productive ways.
3. Anxiety.
With high aspirations comes additional stress, so it’s no surprise to learn that many gifted children struggle with anxiety. Their anxiety is often amplified by adults (either at home or at school) who continually encourage them to push the limits of their potential. It’s not unusual for gifted children to be shuffled between school, extracurricular activities, and other structured forms of enrichment, for instance, with little time to relax or play. Teachers frequently give gifted children extra work with the intention of keeping them engaged, without considering or respecting the child’s individual interests.
While having a hectic schedule is demanding for anyone, regardless of their age or level of ability, it’s particularly stressful for highly gifted children. Gifted children are easily overwhelmed by environmental stimuli and the emotions of others, so they often need extra “alone time” to decompress. They also have a strong need for control, which they cannot satisfy when all of their activities are being directed by others. Taken together, these factors can make highly gifted children feel overtaxed, helpless, and further alienated from their neurotypical peers – who are allowed to simply be children.
To reduce your child’s anxiety levels, avoid over-scheduling him and educate him about the value of downtime. Let him choose one or two extracurricular activities he’s especially interested in, and make sure he has at least a few hours of free time every week. If his workload at school is a problem, talk to his educators about tapping into his passions rather than just giving him extra assignments to complete.
Finally, don’t forget that having at least an hour of “screen free” time per day is especially important for highly gifted children: In today’s technologically-oriented society, kids are constantly receiving mental stimulation in the form of video games, social media, etc., leaving little time to unwind and focus inwards. Gifted kids, with their heightened need for calm introspection and time to conceptualize abstract ideas, are more likely to experience stress in the absence of clear screen time limits.
4. Intense sensitivity.
Intense sensitivity and empathy are some of the best traits of the highly gifted: These qualities allow gifted children to deeply appreciate art, music, and literature; they also inspire creativity and make many gifted kids excellent communicators. Just like perfectionism has a dark side, however, being profoundly sensitive can take a toll on your child’s mental health and social life. Highly gifted children sometimes react severely to minor issues, which can undermine their ability to bounce back from normal childhood problems. Likewise, they may perceive rejection or criticism where none is intended, which can contribute to social problems. Gifted kids are more likely to be bullied because they’re vulnerable to teasing, for example, and they often isolate themselves to avoid facing rejection.
Highly gifted children are also very sensitive to the problems of society: It isn’t uncommon for these kids to internalize issues like global poverty, hunger, or climate change, to the point where they develop an attitude of defeat or despair.
To help your child deal with his intense emotions, let him share his feelings whenever he needs to and try not to contradict or minimize his experiences. Gifted children frequently worry that something is “wrong” with them on account of their strong reactions, so it’s very important to normalize your child’s feelings. The less your child feels the need to hide his sensitivity, the easier it will be for him to stay socially engaged.
Having strong boundaries is also essential for gifted kids: To manage the pitfalls of extreme empathy and build resistance to teasing, your child will need to learn how to “step back” from others’ emotions. While your child is still small, instruct him to imagine an invisible wall between himself and others. Tell him the wall is there to let him see and hear others without absorbing their feelings. Then, ask him to practice using the wall when he’s feeling socially overwhelmed.
As your child gets older, work with him to develop a list of calm or funny responses he can use when he’s being teased. Role-play potentially difficult social situations with your child until he feels confident using these responses. You’ll know the lesson has been successful when your child can deliver a response with relaxed, confident posture while making eye contact.
During adolescence, encourage your child to get involved in causes he cares about (e.g., through volunteering). Feeling capable of enacting change on a local level can prevent highly gifted kids from becoming cynical or disillusioned with society.
5. Identity issues.
Developmental transitions are difficult for all children, but for highly gifted kids, they can be extremely tumultuous. Gifted children start asking existential questions much earlier than other kids, which can derail the process of identity formation: Gifted kids may analyze their sense of self and purpose so much that they have trouble figuring out who they are. Adding to this confusion, many highly gifted kids are exceptionally multi-talented, which makes selecting a definite career path both challenging and intimidating. (Your gifted child may worry excessively about what will happen if he makes the “wrong” choice.)
Social norms can also complicate the process of role formation: Many gifted boys struggle to accept their sensitivity, for example, because it conflicts with traditional ideas of masculinity. Highly gifted girls might feel like their keen interest in science or math further alienates them from their female peers. Kids who come from minority backgrounds may feel unwelcome in intellectual circles that have historically been dominated by white males; e.g., the sciences. These role conflicts can cause gifted adolescents to suppress core parts of who they are, further eroding their sense of identity.
Owing to the complexity and intensity of these identity issues, therapy is highly recommended for gifted preteens and adolescents. Having access to a therapist will allow your child to explore his sense of self in a safe, objective setting – One where he doesn’t have to worry about the expectations of family, friends, or teachers. Certain forms of therapy, like career counseling, are also particularly helpful for gifted adolescents struggling to find their life path.
Finally, don’t forget how important the school environment is to healthy role formation: Gifted kids who have the opportunity to interact with other highly talented children from a similar background are far less likely to question the appropriateness of their traits and interests. The earlier your child has access to supportive educational environments, such as gifted programs, the easier it will be for him to accept and enjoy his gifts. For this reason, seeking an early diagnosis through private testing (before gifted screening begins at school) is strongly recommended. Comprehensive psychoeducational testing will identify your child’s gifts, protect him from misdiagnosis, and begin the process of managing the vulnerabilities described above.
[1] Allen Frances, MD. Giftedness Should Not Be Confused With Mental Disorder, 2013.
[2] Dr. Kellmer Pringle, 'Able Misfits' (1970, Longman, London).
