Knowing when and how to discipline a child is never easy, but gifted kids present unique challenges that require patience and careful consideration. With their combination of emotional intensity, keen language skills, and need for fairness, gifted children can seem rebellious and argumentative – but their behaviour is often driven by good intentions. By knowing what to expect when parenting a gifted child, you can provide the mix of respect, understanding, and consistent boundaries your child needs to feel secure. In the guide below, we’ll discuss eight strategies you can use to address common issues with discipline:
1. Expect debates (and don’t take them personally).
Gifted children have a deep curiosity about how the world works. Their active minds drive them to question everything – including the rules. As the parent of a gifted child, you’ll frequently be asked to explain (and sometimes debate) your reasoning.
Much of the time, gifted kids just want to make sure rules make sense before they agree to follow them. Like all kids, however, they sometimes use their verbal adroitness to test the limits of what they can get away with. You’ll need to learn to differentiate between your child being inquisitive (i.e., trying to figure out if a decision is fair and logical) and being manipulative (trying to change your decisions, no matter how reasonable they are).
When you have these conversations with your child, be respectful but keep your responses brief: Offer a clear, concise explanation for your choice, then move on. Don’t feel compelled to explain yourself multiple times.
2. Stand firm, but exercise honesty and fairness.
Gifted children aren’t inherently rebellious, but many become combative when they believe they’ve been unfairly overruled or deceived. It can be extremely difficult to coax a gifted child into doing something that he thinks is wrong, illogical, or wasteful. On the flip side, however, gifted kids can become passionate champions of rules and values they know to be useful and just.
To get the best out of your gifted child, think plans and rules out carefully before you discuss them, and never lie to him. Explain why you think your rules are fair, and outline the long-term benefits of following them. You should also consider offering fair incentives to reward good behaviour: For instance, you might offer to exchange extra TV privileges for a week of completing homework on time. Gifted kids love to solve problems and work towards objectives, so they thrive when they’re given clear goals.
3. Don’t expect your child to act like a “little adult.”
Gifted kids are highly intelligent, but their social and emotional development is usually similar to that of neurotypical kids. (This is why giftedness is often described as a type of asynchronous development, where a child is highly advanced in some areas and average in others.) Like all children, gifted kids have meltdowns, say inappropriate things, and occasionally fight with their siblings and peers. In fact, they tend to respond to these situations with extreme emotion (owing to their heightened sensitivity), which can make them appear immature for their age.
Gifted kids often need firmer limits and boundaries than other kids, not fewer rules. Only caring, consistent discipline from a trusted caregiver can help them manage their intense feelings and grow their maturity to match their intellect. You therefore shouldn’t expect your gifted child to set his own limits, keep himself on track at school, or otherwise parent himself. Provide him with the same basic, reasonable discipline you would give an intellectually average child.
4. Being gifted is hard, and this may cause your child to act out.
Sometimes, what looks like misbehaviour may be fueled by your child struggling to manage his gifted traits. Many gifted kids are perfectionists, for example, which makes them anxious about tackling large or difficult tasks. As a result, they may procrastinate or stubbornly refuse to do certain things. Their high intelligence can also contribute to social problems: Many gifted kids seem intolerant, bossy, and impatient because (in their view) other children think and act too slowly. Some gifted kids may appear withdrawn because their empathy and sensitivity become overwhelming in group situations, causing them to isolate themselves.
Though your child has to meet basic expectations for good behaviour, it’s still important to recognize when he’s acting in response to internal struggles. If you respond to your child with empathy, he’ll overcome difficult behaviours more quickly. Knowing that you understand the challenges of his condition will also help him feel less isolated, which is integral to a gifted child’s emotional well-being.
5. Express gratitude for good behaviour.
As natural perfectionists, gifted kids need to be acknowledged to feel secure. Highlight your child’s achievements by sincerely praising mature, helpful, and considerate behaviour when you see it. Be specific in your praise and explain why you appreciate what your child did, so he knows exactly what he’s doing right and why it matters. (This will satisfy your gifted child’s strong need to contribute and better the lives of those around him.) For example, you might say something like “Thank you so much for doing the dishes last night. That gave me some extra time to relax after work, and I really appreciate it.”
6. Let your older child participate in decision-making.
Older kids and preteens feel respected and valued when we ask for their input on household rules. This collaborative approach is especially effective for gifted kids because it allows them to ensure that rules are fair. It also gives them a chance to use their problem-solving skills to create a harmonious environment for everyone.
To use this strategy without inciting debates, choose a time when you and your child are both calm and relaxed. Then, write down a list of current household rules. Ask your child what he thinks of the rules you have in place, and make note of any suggestions he makes. Discuss why (or why not) you agree with his suggestions and work out reasonable compromises, as needed.
7. Make consequences proactive.
Gifted kids have a very difficult time accepting failure and bouncing back from it. To help your child recuperate and reassess his behaviour after he commits a transgression, allow him to actively make amends. For instance, if your child neglected to tidy up after himself, you might ask him to help you clean the house on the weekend in place of losing privileges as punishment. If he’s done something more serious, like destroy someone’s property, sit down with him and ask him to come up with a plan to address the situation. Talk about how he’ll mend the victim’s hurt feelings and how he’ll replace any property he damaged. (E.g., by doing extra household chores to earn money to purchase a replacement item.) Appeal to his sense of fairness while also reassuring him that it’s possible to fix what he did wrong.
8. Remember that prevention is better than punishment.
All children have situational “triggers” that can cause meltdowns. By virtue of being so sensitive (both emotionally and in terms of reacting to external stimuli), gifted kids often have more triggers than other children. Their high levels of anxiety also make triggers difficult to overcome without patient parental guidance.
Look for patterns in your child’s reactions to identify situational factors that might be contributing to outbursts and other difficult behaviours: Does your child become obstinate when faced with new situations? Does he often have meltdowns in crowded public places? Does he act out when he isn’t being challenged enough?
Then, use your insights to set appropriate expectations and pinpoint where your child might need a bit of extra support and understanding. Though you can’t (and shouldn’t) protect your child from all challenging situations, avoiding purely optional triggers can alleviate chronic stress. Over time, this will make it easier for your child to regulate his emotions, allowing him to adjust to difficult situations on his own terms.
Providing compassionate, even-handed discipline that’s tailored to match your child’s needs and capabilities will go a long way towards helping him develop his best traits. Sometimes, however, gifted kids have complex psychological needs or behavioural issues that are difficult to manage at home. If your child is struggling to overcome unhelpful patterns or reach his full potential, talking to a family therapist can help him progress. Through counseling, you can find discipline solutions that work for everyone in your family.
