When Gifted Kids Face Social Isolation

Dr. Tali Shenfield | January 5, 2019

For many parents, having a child who seems unusually introverted is a relief. There’s little need to worry about him sneaking off to parties, staying out past his curfew socializing, or getting into many other common forms of mischief. A quiet child is, according to conventional wisdom, a “good” child. If you’re the parent of a gifted kid, however, it’s worthwhile to take a second look at your child’s low-key social life. Not all bright children naturally wish to avoid their peers; for many gifted kids, fitting in is a struggle—one that can leave them feeling isolated and vulnerable.

A failure to fit in is more than just uncomfortable for gifted children who want to make friends. As these sensitive children get older, they often develop a low self-esteem as a result of their social isolation, and this can lead to a number of problems. Their lack of confidence holds them back where they might otherwise succeed, for one. Some children even go so far as to reject their giftedness and intentionally under-perform in an attempt to blend in with their peers. And of course, like all children who struggle with feelings of rejection and unworthiness, socially isolated gifted kids are more likely to go to great lengths to impress their peers and “fit in.” They may become more susceptible to drug use and risk-taking behaviour in their desperation to find an accepting niche. Alternately, some kids completely withdraw from their peers and sink into depression.

Evidently, it’s important to differentiate between children who are naturally (and happily) introverted and those who crave social interaction but have trouble relating to others. Generally, intrinsically introverted kids express a strong need to be alone in order to recharge from a very young age. If your child has always liked to sit by himself and immerse himself in his hobbies and creative pursuits, he’s most likely content on his own. Similarly, if your child seems to prefer hanging out with just one or two like-minded friends rather than large groups, he’s probably just exhibiting typical gifted traits. Some gifted kids strongly gravitate towards other bright children and dislike trying to conform to mainstream social expectations… And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Spending time alone becomes problematic when it’s extremely excessive (as in, your child seldom spends time with anyone, even close family members) or uncharacteristic. If, for example, your child was fairly sociable in grade school but has turned into a “loner” almost overnight after entering middle school, there’s probably something amiss. Additionally, any time social withdrawal is accompanied by a loss of interest in hobbies, general apathy, anxiety, or other signs of distress, parents need to stop and take the situation seriously. Furthermore, if your child starts to show signs of disordered eating, substance abuse, depression, or other self-destructive tendencies, you should seek out professional assistance immediately. Never assume these behaviours are just part of a “phase.”

Other risk factors for unhealthy social isolation include social anxiety, bullying, incidents of trauma, or complicating conditions like autism or asynchronous development. If your child is dealing with one or more of these issues, you should remain vigilant for signs of social problems throughout his development.

Finally, remember that online relationships are not an acceptable substitute for “real time” friendships. If your teen is unhealthily obsessed with the internet and forms connections only via online games, messaging services, etc., he’s probably using the internet to address his unmet social needs. Because internet culture tends to be more fickle and unforgiving than in-person socialization, this reliance can dramatically backfire. Parents should therefore attempt to limit their teen’s “screen time” to something reasonable and encourage interpersonal bonding instead.

How To Help Your Socially Isolated Teen

If your teen seems socially isolated, it’s important to intervene quickly. The more time your teen spends feeling rejected and unworthy of his peers, the lower his self-esteem will become.

The best way to begin helping your socially isolated child is to talk to him. Ask him how he feels about his social life, and if he expresses dissatisfaction with his ability to make friends, inquire about what’s creating the difficulty. It may be something temporary, like a falling out with his old friends, that you can help him resolve. Alternately, if he’s having problems with bullying in particular classes, it may be possible to drop or change those classes. Finally, if a lack of like-minded peers seems to be the issue, accessing local or school-based groups for gifted children can help your child connect with others who are on his “level.”

If the above steps don’t work, you should probably enlist outside aid in the form of a school counselor or therapist. Your child might have mental health concerns or undiagnosed developmental issues that are crippling him socially. It’s also possible that he’s holding back when discussing his social struggles with you. Many teens are not comfortable talking to a parent about the issues they’re having with their peers. This isn’t necessarily because they’re secretive; many teens just want to protect their parents from distressing subject matter. It’s easier for them to open up to an objective third party because they’re not afraid of hurting him or her.

With timely intervention, social isolation can often be resolved before it leads to further issues. It’s important that your child knows a healthy social life—whether it’s large and bustling or close and connected—is more than possible for gifted children. Knowing and experiencing this will help your teen embrace and accept not only other people, but himself as well.

About Tali Shenfield

Dr. Tali Shenfield holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Toronto and is a licensed school and clinical psychologist. She has taught at the University of Toronto and has worked at institutions including the Hospital for Sick Children, Hincks-Dellcrest Centre, TDSB, and YCDSB. Dr. Shenfield is the Founder and Clinical Director of Advanced Psychology Services.

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