As a culture, we place a great deal of emphasis on innate talent; we assume that certain people are born to be excellent artists, athletes, scientists, etc. The idea of success being predetermined by one’s genes feels reassuring for parents who think (or know) their child is gifted. After all, what parent doesn’t want to believe their child will live a life of high achievement, with minimal stress along the way?
Unfortunately, alluring as this concept is, focusing heavily on a child’s inborn potential can do him (or her) a serious disservice. Though it’s true that some kids are born with exceptional abilities, those abilities alone are not a guarantee of success. Many highly intelligent people struggle in life, while some individuals with average abilities go on to accomplish great things. The underpinnings of success are complex and multifactorial, with character traits – like resilience, persistence, and the ability to recognize opportunity – playing an arguably larger role in achievement than inherent talent. When we tell a gifted child that he’s destined for greatness without nurturing these qualities, we simultaneously put pressure on him, give him unrealistic expectations, and divert his attention away from normal self-development.
Why is the Term “Gifted” Problematic?
Giftedness is a genuine phenomenon, but describing this condition solely as a “gift” can be misleading. The notion that everything comes easily to gifted kids is a myth, and it’s one that does long-lasting harm to many talented young people. Gifted children are not automatically good at everything they attempt, nor are they consistently ahead of their peers in every area. Giftedness is better described as a form of asynchronous development, where a child is highly skilled in some areas while developing normally in others. It’s also possible for a child to be twice exceptional; i.e., both gifted and learning disabled. Like all children with learning disabilities, twice exceptional kids have to work hard to overcome their limitations and realize the full extent of their skills. It’s important that your child understands these things, or he may question his giftedness whenever he confronts a challenging task. These doubts will erode his resilience, thereby undermining his chances of success.
Even for gifted kids who fit the stereotypical picture of excelling with minimal effort, the term “gifted” can be problematic. Innately talented kids don’t always believe they deserve their victories, precisely because they don’t have to work as hard as other children to achieve them. Instead, they give their giftedness full credit for their successes, which is less personally satisfying than knowing they earned their achievements through hard work. Additionally, because gifted kids have such a strong sense of fairness, they may feel guilty for having natural advantages their peers lack. All of these factors make it difficult for some gifted children to take ownership of their success, which deprives them of intrinsic motivation and a sense of purpose.
Gifted children who “coast” through their early years also fail to develop the capacity to deal with setbacks, which undermines them later in life. They may believe they’ll always succeed without working hard, or worse, assume that the ability to master things without effort is what makes them special and valuable. When kids with these beliefs finally encounter something that challenges them – which often happens during adolescence – their self-esteem and sense of identity can crumble rapidly. Furthermore, because their successes always felt automatic, their failures typically feel beyond their control, too. They don’t know how to recuperate and try again, nor have they learned the patience necessary to practice difficult things. Lacking these skills, they give up prematurely.
3 Ways to Help Your Gifted Child Succeed on His Own Terms
First, it’s important to recognize that being gifted is not, in itself, a problem. Instead, it’s how parents handle their child’s "diagnosis" that matters. Gifted kids have a great deal to offer society – Not simply because they’re intelligent, but because they have a unique and divergent way of thinking. Many gifted children exhibit traits like empathy, creativity, passion, and a strong sense of social justice, for example, which have profound value irrespective of intelligence. It’s these qualities that parents should emphasize, not their child’s potential for academic or professional success.
If your child has been identified as gifted, you’ll need to carefully consider how to keep him challenged without putting undue pressure on him. Though this process is fluid and unique to every family, the parenting strategies outlined below can help you start guiding your child’s talents in a healthy, realistic way:
1. Be careful when you talk to your child about his giftedness.
Early identification by a qualified professional is key to ensuring your gifted child develops optimally. Gifted kids often need specialized support, especially at school, to avoid the potential difficulties associated with their condition and stay engaged. Likewise, giving your child appropriate challenges while he’s still very young is the best way to make sure he doesn’t get accustomed to breezing through everything he does.
With that being said, it’s prudent to be cautious when you discuss your child’s giftedness with him – especially if he’s under age six. Small children have a tendency to take things very literally, so it’s easy for them to misinterpret the meaning of the term “gifted.” Many experts recommend avoiding the use of this term altogether, at least until your child is old enough to understand what it really implies.
If you do need to discuss i with your child, explain things using plain, honest language rather than relying on labels. For example, if you’ve enrolled your child in a gifted program at school, you might say: “You have a special way of thinking, so you’ll be going into different classes with other kids like you. Your teachers think you’ll find these classes more interesting.” Then, offer to answer any questions your child has about the upcoming changes in his life.
2. Let your child choose his area of expertise – and let him change it if he wants to.
For your child to experience truly fulfilling and sustainable success, he must enjoy his area of expertise and set his own goals. The passion and determination typical of gifted kids is often their best asset, but your child will only be able to tap into these strengths if he knows what direction he wants to go in.
Rather than pushing your child to focus exclusively on one specific area of talent, let him experiment and explore different things to find what he’s passionate about. When he identifies a subject he’s interested in, provide him with opportunities to deepen his knowledge – But be prepared to change course with him if he later decides to do something else. Gifted kids are no different from other children in this regard: Some of them will study for years to pursue a specific career, only to alter their life path abruptly during adolescence or early adulthood. If you’re too preoccupied with the idea of your child becoming a renowned artist, doctor, etc., you won’t be able to fully support him throughout his journey.
3. Focus on the value of hard work, not innate potential.
Repeatedly telling your child he has great potential inadvertently places a heavy burden of expectation on him: It sends the message that there’s something he has to live up to if he wants your approval. Many gifted adults say they feel like they disappointed their parents because they didn’t live up to their “full potential,” when they would otherwise be considered successful by society’s standards.
When raising a child, it’s vital to recognize that success is a process, not a destination. Even when your child struggles with something, he’s learning valuable skills that he’ll eventually use when he finds his true calling. If your child can’t master something he tries, discuss the skills and lessons he’s learned through failing – and how he could apply them in the future. This will strengthen his self-insight and help him separate what he can control (his attitude and approach) from what he can’t control (his innate ability).
You should also emphasize the value of hard work over immediate success. Instead of praising natural geniuses, talk to your child about notable people who faced significant adversity, but who found a way to overcome the odds. Similarly, you should always praise your child for putting real effort into his endeavors, whether they bear fruit or not. If your child knows you’ll love and accept him irrespective of his performance, he’ll feel much more secure in challenging the limits of his abilities. Providing encouragement to stick with things when they aren’t enjoyable or easy also conveys the value of persistence and discipline. These traits, along with the hours of practice they inspire, are proven predictors of success; just being gifted is not.
By supporting your child’s independent emotional and cognitive development, you’ll give him the space he needs to figure out what moves and motivates him. You’ll also reduce jealousy, resentment, and conflict between your gifted child and any non-gifted siblings he has, because you’ll be holding all of your children to a similar set of standards. Within this supportive, equal-opportunity environment, all of your children will have the foundation they need to thrive.
