If your child is gifted, you probably already know that highly talented children have special needs in the classroom. What many parents don’t realize, however, is that gifted kids also require a modified approach to parenting. Ideally, the way you guide your child at home should complement and enhance the educational opportunities your child receives at school. The optimal parenting style for gifted children encourages independent thought and curiosity while minimizing the pitfalls of giftedness, like anxiety and perfectionism.
Which Parenting Style Works Best for Gifted Children?
Most children respond well to a balanced (also known as authoritative) parenting style, but this technique becomes absolutely essential when parenting a gifted child. Many of the traits associated with giftedness - like independence, a strong sense of fairness, and a tendency to question the rules - inherently clash with traditional authoritarian parenting. When a gifted child is told to behave a certain way simply because her (or his) parent demands it, she’ll often dig her heels in and become argumentative or rebellious. These children need to understand why various rules and limits exist, from both a logical and a moral perspective. If they’re allowed to decide for themselves that your rules are sensible and just, they’ll be more willing to follow them.
Though engaging in healthy debate with your child can be stimulating and helpful, you’ll also need to be aware that gifted children often use their analytical and persuasive skills to talk their way around rules and consequences. (All children, regardless of their level of ability, have a developmental need to test their parents’ boundaries.) As the parent of a gifted child, you’ll need to be prepared to sometimes draw the line in a calm but firm manner in order to maintain clear parameters for your child to follow. Keep in mind that falling into an overly permissive parenting style can be just as damaging as authoritarian parenting, and this mistake is especially easy to make with gifted kids. Don’t let your child’s innate wisdom and insight fool you into thinking she can parent herself: Though gifted kids may appear mature for their age, research shows that their social and emotional needs often develop at a rate similar to that of neurotypical children. Without consistent parental guidance, gifted children tend to take on too much responsibility, feel isolated or insecure, and struggle to regulate their intense emotions. They may also experience social or emotional problems, especially during adolescence.
6 Parenting Strategies to Use if Your Child is Gifted
To cultivate a balanced approach to parenting and counteract some of the more challenging aspects of being gifted, try using these six parenting techniques:
1. Avoid power struggles with measured, consistent parenting.
Once you and your child have agreed that a rule is fair, enforce it calmly and don’t get drawn into arguments. If your child is protesting a limit, listen to her reasons and carefully think about your response before answering. (This measured approach will both help you stay centered and show your child that you aren’t dismissing her feelings.) If you don’t think a special exception is appropriate, tell your child that she needs to abide by the rules this time, and explain why. For example, if your child wants to stay up late to watch a TV show on a school night, you might say: “I understand how much you love this show and I know you’re excited, but you need to get your rest because you have to get up early tomorrow. Maybe we can arrange some extra TV time on the weekend, if you get your homework done on time.”
If your child continues to protest, calmly remind her that she could lose her TV privileges if she doesn’t go to bed on time. Then, let your child know the discussion is over and it’s time for bed. Don’t repeat your reasons for enforcing the rule or debate the issue. Kids often use arguments as a tool to delay doing something they don’t want to do, so it’s important to know when to end these kind of discussions.
2. Make sure you and your co-parent are always on the same page.
Most children occasionally attempt to evade rules or consequences by asking one parent to override limits set by their other parent. Gifted children have a particular aptitude for dividing their parents on important issues, however, because they’re so logical and persuasive. To keep household boundaries consistent and prevent tension in your relationship, make a habit of taking your co-parent aside to privately discuss problems. Find a place where you know your child can’t hear you, listen to each other’s perspective, and work out a compromise that’s fair to everyone involved. When you reach a verdict, deliver it to your child together.
3. Give your child the opportunity to express her feelings.
Gifted children often experience intense (and sometimes rocky) emotions. Without a way to vent these feelings, your child may use disruptive behaviour to release tension. To help your child maintain a healthy, balanced mindset, schedule some time at the end of each day where she can share what’s bothering her. Make sure this time is quiet and free of distractions: Turn off the TV or radio, set your phone aside, and choose an environment where your child feels safe, such as her room.
When your child confides in you, listen attentively to her feelings and don’t minimize them. Sensitivity and giftedness usually go hand-in-hand, so it’s easy to make these kids feel rejected or dismissed. Avoid using statements like “It’s not so bad,” or, “I’m sure this will blow over by tomorrow.” Instead, say, “I can see why that upset you so much - I would feel the same way. What do you think would help you feel better?”
Creative hobbies can also serve as a valuable tool for kids to manage their emotions. Gifted children are often adept at using their vivid imaginations to work out complex feelings through drawing, writing, or playing music.
4. Don’t compare your child to others.
Along with being sensitive, highly intelligent children tend to be very hard on themselves. Comparing your child to other people (whether you’re talking about her peers, siblings, or even yourself at her age) will worsen her natural tendency to feel inadequate or too “different.” Favourable comparisons should be avoided along with negatives ones: Telling your child that she’s better than others will place her on a pedestal, therefore creating unrealistic expectations. As your child matures, teach her to value everyone as individuals, regardless of their relative level of intellectual ability.
To encourage your child to strive for success without becoming competitive or self-critical, focus on progress she’s made and ask her to share her goals for the future with you. When you know her goals, help her make a realistic plan to achieve them and offer your support. Remember to remain flexible, too: Your child needs to know that you’ll love her unconditionally, even if she eventually changes her plans or finds a new direction in life.
5. Don’t place too much emphasis on grades.
When parenting a gifted child, the topic of grades needs to be handled delicately. Not all gifted kids get straight A’s; in fact, many show exemplary ability in a few select areas, while performing normally in others. Don’t automatically expect your child to come home with flawless report cards simply because she has a high IQ; instead, work with her teachers or a mental health professional to identify both her strengths and her weaknesses. Praise her strengths, while reminding her that it’s okay to not be good at everything. Then, create manageable strategies to address any areas where she needs help.
If your child does perform very well across multiple subjects, praise her hard work, but avoid over-emphasizing the importance of grades. Don’t offer lavish monetary rewards for perfect grades, boast about her grades to others, or display her report card in a prominent location. These behaviours send the message that your child’s primary value comes from her intellect, rather than her unique personality. This idea can create an intense fear of failing at school, resulting in academic anxiety.
6. Make sure your child gets enough downtime.
Between special gifted education programs, extracurricular activities, and their own passionate interests, gifted children have a tendency to lead very busy lives. Rather than pushing your child into numerous activities aimed at maximizing her gifts, help her select realistic commitments that she really wants to pursue. Likewise, you should make sure her schedule allows her enough time to play, socialize, and relax at the end of the day. Remember: Even highly talented children need the opportunity to just be kids.
Parenting a gifted child can be challenging, but it’s also highly rewarding. With the right parenting techniques, you can help your child balance her talent and intensity with a healthy outlook - and that’s the greatest gift of all.
