For parents, even the little white lies that children sometimes tell - e.g., claiming to have completed their homework when they haven't or to have not eaten a treat they clearly took without permission - can feel worrying and frustrating. Parents are, after all, entrusted with the intimidating responsibility of raising children with well-developed morals, so even minor hints of dishonesty can feel indicative of a potentially serious issue. Fortunately, by understanding why children lie and how to communicate with them effectively when they do, parents can usually prevent these small mishaps from coalescing into a pattern of deceit.
According to research conducted by child development experts like Kang Lee, a University of Toronto professor and director of the Institute of Child Study, the early lies told by small children usually represent nothing more than the fact that the child's mind is learning to process and organize information more effectively. Lee's research also discovered that lying is quite common in young children and that many school-aged children are proficient liars - but this does not necessarily have much bearing on the kind of adults they will become. In actuality, by the age of 17, the tendency to lie often spontaneously begins to decrease as children start to assume a more adult level of responsibility.
While the exact reasons for this correlation between childhood and a propensity for fibbing are not fully understood, it's likely that the average child's fear of harsh repercussions and letting down adults she looks up to has much to do with it. In all fairness, it's probable that most adults would hesitate to be fully honest if they knew it would end in being yelled at, punished, or judged to be a disappointment to their loved ones, too.
Sadly, too few parents know how to react when children are lying; in their anxiety, they punish their children so that they “won't do it again.” Of course, most children will do it again simply to avoid a repeat of the punishment, and gradually they become more skilled liars. As such, a different approach is needed; in order to limit your child's desire to lie, you should:
- Stay calm. A child who has made a mistake severe enough that she wishes to lie about it is already feeling badly about herself. If you react with anger upon learning the truth, not only will she feel worse about herself, she will know that you're someone she can't come to with the truth even if she wishes to, which will shut down future communication. Though you should make your child aware that you're not happy with her actions and there will be (fair and considered) consequences, discuss the matter calmly and do so in a “solutions-oriented” manner. Also, allow your child the chance to suggest something that she feels would help her avoid repeating the bad behaviour.
- Avoid rhetorical questions. Asking your child if she has cleaned her room up yet when you already know she hasn't, with the clear implication that you're angry with her, essentially encourages her to placate you with a lie. Instead, use questions to which there is an acceptable answer to address the situation, e.g. “When do you plan to finish cleaning up your room?” Your child will then focus on resolving the issue at hand, rather than on avoiding shame and punishment.
- Use lies as an opportunity to get to know your child. Rather than immediately blaming your child when she lies, keep the lines of communication open and try to understand why she lied in the first place. Why does she feel she can't be honest with you? What can you do to change that and encourage her to be more truthful in the future? Likewise, make sure to reassure her that you understand she lied due to fear; if you validate her feelings, she will feel “heard” and understood, making her more likely to confide in you in the future.
- Praise your children when they are honest with you about mistakes. If your child comes to you and admits that she flooded the bathroom or broke the toaster, take a deep breath, remind yourself that the situation can be fixed, and praise her for having the courage to come to you and tell the truth. Saying something like, “I really appreciate that you came and told me about that right away, it means we can clean up the bathroom before anything gets damaged,” will show your child that her honesty is both personally commendable and of practical value.
- Remember that mistakes are lessons. The only way children learn to make better choices is by occasionally making bad choices, so retain a sense of the bigger picture when you catch your child in a fib. If you take the right approach and correct her gently, you will turn a frustrating moment into an opportunity for growth. Try asking her what she would do differently if she had a chance to live the situation over again, and odds are good that next time she'll try an alternate approach. Additionally, maybe there's something she can do to repair any hurt her lie caused to others.
- Separate the behaviour from the child. Make sure your child knows that you don't love her any less because she lied—that you dislike what she did, but not who she is. Avoid labeling your child, e.g. calling her “dishonest.”
- Lead by example. How many white lies do you tell in front of your children? Doing things like saying you're “sick” to get out of social engagement can make a big impression on young children if they hear you, showing them that it's “okay” to lie. Make a strong effort to avoid dishonesty in your own life, and if for some reason you must lie diplomatically, do so away from your children.
As a final note, it's important to remember that dishonesty, like most bad habits, cannot be cured overnight; it will take time, patience, and dedication to build a trusting, open relationship with your child. If, despite your best efforts, your child's lying becomes harmful or pathological, don't try to treat it yourself; take your child to a mental health professional so that the underlying issues can be addressed.
