12 Proven Strategies in Dealing with Anger in Teens

Anna Kaminsky | Updated on October 26, 2023

Being a teenager is difficult: Adolescents, especially younger adolescents, face a challenging combination of emerging social pressures, physiological changes, and a strong need for independence. As a result, most kids between the ages of 10-15 experience an increase in negative emotions, including anger. It’s not uncommon for kids in this age group to lash out (sometimes dramatically) over issues that appear very minor to the adults around them.

While most teens’ angry outbursts don’t signify an underlying mental health problem, dealing with their extreme anger can be disconcerting for parents. Knowing how to cope with your teen’s displays of frustration can help her stay calm, reduce your own anxiety, and help you better understand the underlying cause of her behaviour:

1. Understand That Getting Angry is Scary for Teens

Though teen anger can be shocking to parents, it typically feels even more alarming from the perspective of the teen experiencing it. Teens who lash out seldom intend to behave poorly; instead, they’re unexpectedly blindsided by overwhelming feelings of distress and react by trying to fight off the perceived threat. Teens are prone to this type of “fight or flight” behaviour because their brains work differently than the brains of either children or adults. Research shows that adolescents react more impulsively to threatening stimuli than any other age group, particularly in social situations.

When your teen lashes out, remember that she’s probably frightened by the intensity of her own anger. She desperately wants to regain control over herself, but her brain isn’t allowing her to do so. Knowing this can help you keep the situation in perspective, understand that your teen’s remarks aren’t personal, and respond with empathy when she’s ready to calm down.

2. Don’t Try to Reason with Your Teen While They’re Angry; Empathize Instead

When the brain’s “fight or flight” response is activated, it suppresses activity in the areas of the brain associated with complex thinking and communication. As such, trying to reason with an angry teen is almost always futile, no matter how logical your points are. In the heat of the moment, any new information you ask your teen to process will heighten her sense of threat.

Generally, the best way to handle an out-of-control teen is to remain calm and empathize with the pain she’s feeling. Try saying something like, “I’m really sorry you’re feeling so upset; this must be very difficult for you.” If your teen doesn’t respond, ask if there’s anything you can do to help. If she still doesn’t want to talk, don’t pressure her to answer; step back and wait until she’s ready to discuss the matter further.

Note that empathizing with your teen doesn’t mean you should tolerate verbal abuse or physical threats. If your teen behaves inappropriately towards you, remove yourself from the situation until she’s calm enough to treat you with respect.

3. Explore Mindfulness and Meditation

Practicing mindfulness can give teens techniques to manage their emotions and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting angrily. Mindfulness teaches teens to pay attention to the present moment, rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. This helps calm the mind and body. When overwhelming emotions start to arise, mindfulness can provide healthy coping skills.

There are many easy mindfulness techniques to try:

  • Breathing exercises - Have your teen sit comfortably, close their eyes, and focus on taking slow, deep breaths. This simple practice brings awareness to their body and clears their mind.
  • Body scans - Teens slowly bring attention to each part of their body, noticing any tension or sensations without judgment. This promotes relaxation.
  • Walking meditation - Your teen goes for a walk at a natural pace, staying present by paying close attention to each step and their surroundings.
  • Mantras - Repeating a calming word or phrase helps refocus the mind when emotions intensify. Short mantras like “peace” work well.
  • Visualization - Have teens picture a soothing image like floating on clouds or resting by a lake. Visualizing a “safe place” engages imagination to cultivate calm.

Regular meditation is also extremely beneficial for teens. Sitting quietly for just 10-15 minutes per day and concentrating on their breath teaches invaluable skills for self-soothing and controlling impulsive reactions. There are many great phone apps to guide meditation. Making mindfulness part of their daily routine can help teens respond to anger more positively.

4. Manage Physical Activity

Engaging in regular physical activity is an effective way for teens to channel anger and other difficult emotions into productive energy. Exercise releases endorphins which improve mood and reduce feelings of tension. It also serves as a healthy outlet for teens to blow off steam when they feel irritable or restless.

Aim for your teen to get at least 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous activity per day. Good options include:

  • Team sports - The social nature combined with physical exertion is great for mood. Sports like basketball, soccer, lacrosse etc. allow teens to release aggression appropriately.
  • Individual sports - Running, swimming, biking, martial arts or other solo activities allow teens to focus inward and clear their mind.
  • Strength training - Weight lifting and bodyweight exercises like pushups/squats provide challenging workouts to relieve stress.
  • Yoga - Poses, deep breathing and stretching increase flexibility, reduce anxiety and promote a sense of calm.
  • Outdoor activities - Hiking, rock climbing, paddling sports connect teens with nature for mood enhancement.
  • Dancing - Learning choreographed dances or free-form dance promotes creative expression and joy.

Aim to find physical activities your teen genuinely enjoys. Exercise should never feel like punishment. By staying active on a regular basis, teens can better manage their moods and channel anger in a healthy way.

5. Practice Positive Reinforcement

When teens are prone to angry outbursts, parents often focus their attention on scolding bad behaviour. However, reinforcing good behaviour is equally important. Positive reinforcement increases the likelihood that teens will continue to exhibit self-control and make good choices.

Look for opportunities to recognize when your teen demonstrates patience, thoughtfulness and other positive qualities. Be specific with praise so they know exactly what they did well. Some examples include:

  • “I’m proud of how you stayed calm when your brother annoyed you earlier.”
  • “You were so understanding when I said I couldn’t drive you to your friend’s house. I appreciate that.”
  • “The way you talked about your frustrations so respectfully really showed maturity. Great job.”

You can also reward good behaviour with small privileges or treats like getting to choose dinner or a trip to get ice cream. Just be sure rewards don’t become bribes. The focus should be celebrating decisions your teen made, not material goods.

When teens learn that controlling anger and expressing emotions appropriately results in parental praise, they develop motivation to repeat that behaviour. A cycle of positive reinforcement helps defuse anger issues and teach self-discipline.

6. Consider Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for Mental Health

If your teen’s anger seems unmanageable or is impacting their mental health, seeking professional counseling is wise. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective therapeutic approaches for anger issues in teens.

CBT helps teens identify distorted thought patterns that fuel their anger. For example, personalized interpretation of a friend’s actions or “catastrophizing” small failures as awful events. The therapist teaches teens to reframe their thoughts in a more realistic, adaptive way.

CBT also explores the behaviours teens use to cope with anger. Together, the teen and therapist devise healthier behavioural responses like leaving a tense situation or talking to a trusted friend. Teens practice applying these new coping skills in real life scenarios.

Additional focuses of CBT include:

  • Relaxation training to manage anger physiology
  • Communication skills to express emotions productively
  • Problem solving strategies to approach disputes calmly
  • Self-monitoring to increase self-awareness

With practice, CBT equips teens with concrete tools for controlling anger. It also boosts confidence by showing teens they can change ingrained thought/behaviour patterns. If available, group CBT can provide peer support. Improvements from CBT typically become noticeable within 6-12 weeks.

7. Limit Exposure to Violent Media

Research clearly shows a correlation between consuming violent media and increased aggression in teens. Violent imagery in video games, movies, TV shows, music and social media tends to desensitize teens and encourage angry, impulsive behaviour.

As a parent, you should monitor and limit your teen’s exposure to potentially harmful violent content. Some tips include:

  • Set clear limits on time spent gaming, especially first-person shooter style games.
  • Restrict access to age-inappropriate shows, songs or videos glorifying violence.
  • Follow and regularly check your teen’s social media accounts for violent themes.
  • Co-view media with your teen and discuss concerning elements objectively.
  • Encourage your teen to analyze how media depictions differ from real life and relationships.
  • Make sure your teen takes regular breaks from screens to engage in real-world activities.
  • Suggest enriching non-violent media like documentaries, comedies and drama films/shows instead.

Keep explanations simple - “Too much violence is unhealthy for your brain” rather than strict prohibitions. Collaborate on guidelines and enforce them consistently. Helping teens decrease their consumption of violent media removes fuel for angry feelings and outbursts.

8. Diet and Nutrition Tips

The foods teens eat play an important role in emotional regulation. Following a nutritious diet can improve mood and behaviour by:

  • Stabilizing blood sugar levels. When blood sugar is low, teens are more susceptible to crankiness and anger flashes. Regular meals/snacks with complex carbs provide steady energy.
  • Increasing intake of essential minerals like iron, zinc and magnesium which support nerve and brain function linked to emotional control.
  • Ensuring adequate protein from lean sources to balance hormone levels that influence emotions.
  • Limiting caffeine and sugar which can exacerbate irritability and aggressive tendencies.

Aim to provide teens with regular balanced meals and these snack staples:

  • Whole grains - Whole wheat bread, oatmeal, brown rice add fiber.
  • Dairy - Milk, yogurt, cheese offer protein and calcium.
  • Fruits and veggies - Fresh or frozen options for essential vitamins and minerals.
  • Nuts/seeds - Almonds, walnuts, sunflower seeds have healthy fats.
  • Beans/legumes - Chickpeas, lentils, edamame are high in plant-based protein.
  • Drink plenty of water to stay hydrated.

Consult a nutritionist if your teen’s diet seems very poor. With some dietary improvements emphasizing mood-friendly foods, teens can better handle anger triggers.

9. Focus on Open Communication

Talking openly with your teen about what’s bothering them can help defuse anger issues before they boil over. Make yourself available for regular check-ins and conversations about their emotional state.

Pick calm times to talk when your teen seems receptive. Ask open-ended questions like:

  • What’s on your mind lately?
  • How are you feeling about school/friends/activities?
  • What’s stressing you out the most right now?
  • What can I do to understand or help you better?

Listen without judgement and reflect their feelings back to show you understand. (“It sounds like you feel really pressured to fit in.”) Validate their emotions and perspectives even if you disagree.

Share your own experiences from adolescence to relate. (“I remember feeling insecure and taking things very personally at your age too.”)

Guide, but don’t dictate how they should think or feel. The goal is to foster trust and open dialogue, not lecture them.

Make it clear you are always available to talk - no issue is too minor. Keeping communication open helps teens feel heard and supported, reducing their urge to lash out angrily.

10. Try to Divert Your Teen’s Attention Briefly

If your teen seems willing to communicate with you, suggest the following techniques to help her calm down and tap into her reasoning abilities:

  1. Distance. Remove your teen from the distressing situation (with her consent). Find somewhere safe and peaceful away from other people where she can regroup. Then, ask your teen whether she wants you to stay with her or give her some space for a while.
  2. Distraction. Sometimes, focusing on something fun or relaxing for a few minutes can help teens “reset” and gain control over their feelings. Try suggesting small, manageable diversions to your angry teen; e.g., “I know you’re really angry right now, but I’d like it if we both took a time-out to listen to music for a few minutes,” or, “I want to talk about this issue later, but first, how about I fix us both a snack while you watch a YouTube video? I think we could both use a break.”

11. Be Respectful, but be Present

Most teens need some “alone time” to help them calm down after they have an outburst. Still, while you should respect your teen’s request for breathing room, it’s a good idea to remain available in case she needs you. Don’t leave the house when your teen is angry, and occasionally check in with her to reassure her and make sure she’s all right.

12. Teach Your Teen How to Decode and Repair the Situation

No amount of lecturing can prevent angry outbursts, but you can teach your teen to examine her own behaviour and repair any damage she’s caused. Once your teen has calmed down, encourage her to review the situation by asking open-ended questions, such as:

  1. Out of everything that happened, what upset you the most?
  2. Were you feeling hurt before you got mad? Why?
  3. Did I not understand something you were trying to tell me?
  4. Do you understand my perspective on the situation?
  5. What do you think we could do better next time, so we don’t argue?

If your teen doesn’t feel comfortable answering these questions face-to-face, allow her to answer them via email or text messages. Using a mediator, like a therapist or another supportive adult, can also be helpful to resolve very volatile or recurring conflicts.

Your teen also needs to be given strategies to repair any damage she’s done to her relationships. These include apologizing for her behaviour, understanding and empathizing with the hurt she’s caused, and asking what she can do to make the situation right again. Your teen should also be willing to accept appropriate consequences for her actions, if necessary, such as the removal of any privileges she’s violated. This will also motivate her to learn anger management skills and techniques to avoid such situations in the future.

When Anger and Risks of Self-Harm Become Causes for Concern

Most teens learn how to manage their excess anger by age 16-18, but for some young people, anger becomes a chronic, debilitating problem. If your teen’s outbursts frequently interfere with her ability to manage her personal or academic responsibilities, you should work with a mental health professional to uncover what’s driving her anger. Likewise, teens who appear to be a danger to themselves or others (either through violence or indirectly through self-destructive behaviour) must be connected with professional help as soon as possible. Dealing with anger issues early in adolescence is the best way to prevent more serious behavioural problems later in life.

If you suspect your teen may be self-harming, talk to them compassionately yet directly. Understand that self-harm represents an attempt to exert control over their pain, not end their life. Do not shame or punish them. Instead, explain calmly why you are concerned for their well-being and want to get appropriate help. Enlist support from your teen’s doctor, therapists, or other trusted adults.

With chronic anger or emerging self-harm in teens, it’s imperative to secure professional mental health intervention as soon as possible. Social emotional assessment followed up by therapy or counselling can uncover and resolve the root causes of dysfunctional behaviours before they become ingrained coping strategies and teach your child practical anger management techniques. Ongoing work with a therapist equipped to treat teens, plus family sessions, can get anger and self-harm under control. Be patient but persistent in getting your teen the support they need.

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  3. McLaughlin KA, Hatzenbuehler ML, Hilt LM. Emotion dysregulation as a mechanism linking peer victimization to the development of internalizing symptoms in adolescents. J Consult Clin Psychol. 2009 Oct;77(5):894-904. doi: 10.1037/a0015760. PMID: 19803587; PMCID: PMC2785481.
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This is an update to the original post "5 Strategies For Dealing With Extreme Anger In Teens" published on July 28, 2021

About Anna Kaminsky

Anna Kaminsky earned her PhD in Developmental Psychology from the University of Toronto and completed a post-doc internship at our centre. She also worked at The Hospital for Sick Children and at The Hincks-Dellcrest Centre. Anna currently works as a medical services manager at the CAMH. "Kaminsky" is Anna's pen name. You can follow her on Twitter at @AnnaKaminsky1.

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