Our values continue to evolve throughout our lifetime, but it’s our formative moral lessons - those we learn prior to age 10 - that create the foundation for strong ethics in adulthood. If you have a school-aged child, sharing your values with her will hone her ability to empathize and strengthen the parent-child connection. Imparting solid values can also make your child more resilient, because our values give us the tools we need to successfully navigate challenging situations.
Though values vary between families, depending on cultural background and personal beliefs, the ten traits below are universally important:
Politeness.
Good parenting involves teaching children how to be polite, courteous and respectful. This can be a challenging task, particularly for parents of small children, who are still developing their social skills and learning how to interact with others. The key to teaching children to be polite is to start early and be consistent.
Politeness and empathy go hand in hand: When we ask permission, express gratitude, or offer assistance, we put the feelings of others before our own. Consistently using good manners teaches kids to be caring and considerate to everyone, including people they don’t know. Kids who behave this way make friends more easily and receive more positive feedback from adults, so they often have a higher self-esteem.
As soon as your child is old enough to talk, you should encourage her to say “please” and “thank you” whenever appropriate. (Practicing basic table manners is a great way to reinforce this lesson.) Make sure you also use these phrases when your child shares something with you or helps you with household tasks. Be polite when you speak to other adults, too, especially when your child is present. She’ll naturally try to emulate your behaviour.
Use positive reinforcement to reward good behavior. When children are polite, acknowledge their politeness and thank them for being considerate. Show them that being polite is appreciated and valued. Explain why politeness is important and how it can make people feel more comfortable. Finally, teach your children the importance of empathy. Explain to them why it’s important to think of others’ feelings and how their actions affect others. Encourage them to put themselves in the shoes of others and be aware of how their words and actions may make someone else feel.
Honesty.
Most children go through a “fibbing phase,” usually between the ages of three to five. While this behaviour is a normal part of development (it’s your child’s way of testing her improved theory of mind skills), it should be seen as an opportunity to begin teaching the value of honesty. Help your child learn the difference between imaginative storytelling and harmful falsehood and make sure she understands how lying can hurt people.
Your actions make a difference, too: If your child catches you lying, she’ll get the impression that dishonesty is acceptable. Avoid telling even minor “white lies” in front of your child. Small children aren’t socially advanced enough to understand the difference between lying out of courtesy and being deliberately dishonest.
Curiosity.
Not all children thrive in academic environments, so it’s vital to encourage a love of learning at home. Most experts recommend teaching kids basic literacy skills before they enter school, as this will help them view learning as a game (and not a chore). Taking this step may also improve your child’s cognitive abilities and social skills.
You should emphasize the importance of learning from real-world situations, too: When your child endures a setback or has a disagreement with a friend, help her derive positive lessons from the experience. Support your child in seeking out new endeavors and connecting with people from other walks of life, too.
Bravery.
Having courage doesn’t mean taking unnecessary risks. Instead, bravery is the quality of being able to stand up for one’s beliefs and voice one’s needs and desires in a compassionate but clear way. From an early age, teach your child how to stand up for herself (and others) without being confrontational.
Frugality.
Learning how to manage money is an important part of development, and not just because it creates the foundation for financial security in adulthood. To manage money well, kids must learn how to control their impulses, plan for the future, and weigh up difficult choices. These actions improve a broad range of executive functioning skills, helping kids perform better at school and avoid risk-taking behaviour.
Once your child reaches age five or six, give her a weekly allowance in return for completing household chores. Encourage her to save her allowance so she can use it to buy items she wants (rather than having you buy them for her). Reserve gifts for special occasions.
Health-consciousness.
Making nutritious food and regular exercise a part of your child’s life will support her physical health. Maintaining these habits also shows kids how to make self-care a priority, which has numerous psychological benefits. To encourage healthy living, provide easily accessible nutritious snacks at home and engage in active play with your child.
Conflict resolution.
Conflict is a normal part of life, and when handled correctly, it can actually be beneficial. Teach your child to approach disagreements calmly, listen to the other person’s point of view, and work collaboratively to find solutions. Likewise, tell your child not to “take sides” when arguments occur within her social circle.
Kindness.
A helpful child is a compassionate child. When kids assist others - whether it’s helping an elderly neighbour carry groceries or volunteering with a local charity - they learn that their actions have the power to create positive changes in the world around them. This feeling motivates children to contribute to society and makes them feel more confident in their abilities.
Gratitude.
Life won’t always be easy, and your child won’t always be happy. Still, finding “little things” to be thankful for can remind her of the beauty of life and help her feel hopeful, even when times are dark.
When you spend time with your child, make an effort to mention what you’re grateful for, such as a warm home, good food, or the love of family. Ask your child to share things she appreciates or enjoys, too.
Acceptance.
Children need to be shown how to love and respect people for who they are - not what they can do, what they own, or how they look. Only by learning how to accept others can we learn how to accept ourselves unconditionally, too.
Our values shape who we are and provide us with necessary guidance. By helping your child develop these ten traits before age ten, you’ll give her a priceless gift - One that will last a lifetime.
Author: Rachel Cohen
This is a guest post by Toronto psychotherapist Rachel Cohen. You can follow Rachel on Twitter at @RachiieCohen
