For many parents, the last leg of their journey feels like the hardest of all; as teens rebel against many of the rules, values, and principles that they have been taught, it can easily feel as though all of one's hard work is slipping away.
During this trying time, emotions often run high, tempers fray, and life can begin to feel more than a bit chaotic, but with the implementation of a little additional structure, there is no reason for parents and teens alike to not make it through unscathed.
To that end, rather than simply focusing on implementing rules for your teen, you as a parent should likewise adhere to a set of guidelines which ensure a certain level of order, consistency, and respect is maintained within the home:
1. Give Your Teen the Freedom to Experiment
Nobody likes to watch his or her child make mistakes, especially knowing that just a modicum of common sense might prevent a whole litany of consequences later on. Many of us know, however, that allowing children the freedom to mess up now and then is essential to their learning, so we allow them to do so and advise them later regarding what went wrong.
When your child enters his or her teens, however, allowing this freedom to make poor choices begins to feel harder and harder. It's no longer allowing a five year old to eat too many cookies and suffer the resulting nausea, after all; sometimes it's watching a child dabble in substance abuse, choose poorly in terms of boyfriend or girlfriend—maybe even decide to leave school early or quit a good job.
The impulse at these times is invariably to clamp down with more control than ever before, but this seldom does anything to help the situation—indeed, it usually makes the urge to rebel far worse, and the bad decisions look even more appealing.
One must instead learn to surrender even more of one's parental authority than prior, and allow the teenager to learn some hard life lessons, so long as he or she is not entering situations where a real life-threatening danger is present.
When it comes to teenagers, one must remember Newton's Third Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. The more heavy-handed your actions are, the stronger the reaction to them is likely to be.
This is not to suggest one should seem indifferent to one's teen; teens still require love and attention, after all, to develop healthily. Rather, one should advise teens in a peer-to-peer manner (i.e. tell them what you think, not what to do); remind them that the final decision lies with them, but explain to them that in their place, you would do differently, and elaborate on why. Even if they don't wind up taking your approach, they will be more likely to seek out your counsel in the future, knowing you to be fair and non-judgmental.
2. Respect Your Teen's Right to Privacy
Nobody likes uncertainty, particularly when it comes to the well-being of their offspring. When you suspect your teen is “up to something”, particularly something possibly risky like experimenting with drugs, sex, or drinking, the worry may become so maddening you question whether or not you are even being rational. It becomes very tempting to have a look around and discover whether or not your imagination has simply gotten the better of you.
This sets you—and your teen—up for serious difficulty, however, and seldom helps any parent in the long run. Not finding anything is no guarantee your teen is not up to something, after all, and what will you do if you do find something? If you confront your teen, you'll destroy his or her trust in you and simply make him or her more adept at hiding. If you don't, the worry will still nag at you, only more intensely, and your teen will probably eventually figure out that you have “snooped”.
Instead of all of the above, if you find yourself getting worried, think back to your own youthful escapades, and review the things you used to not want your own parents to know about. Then think about yourself in the present—would you want your parents to know everything about you, even now?
When placed in that context, your teen's desire for privacy probably seems perfectly normal—and it is. If you maintain your teen's trust, chances are good that if he or she does get into serious trouble, you will be the first person he or she reaches out to.
2. Respect Your Teen's Interests
No matter how tough your teen acts, he or she feels judged—and hurt—when you criticize his or her tastes in clothing, music, politics, art, etc., and this can have a damaging effect on a teen's (already often fragile) self-esteem. Teens keep such interests close to their hearts—as they form a crucial part of a teen's developing identity—so you cannot criticize them without also criticizing your teenager.
Instead, show your teen that even when you don't agree with his or her interests, you respect them and appreciate what they mean to your teen. Do this patiently even when you know your teen is probably attempting to rebel or shock you—remember that the teen is confused, scared, and trying to assert his or herself in extreme ways to compensate for those uncomfortable feelings. It will pass.
4. Encourage Healthy Attitudes About Sex
The more comfortable a teen is with the subject of sex, the more confidence he or she will feel, and the more likely he or she will be to delay sexual activity until the time is right. As parents are teens' largest influence when it comes to attitudes about sex, it's up to parents to set a healthy precedent regarding this challenging subject.
The more a teen knows about sex, the more likely he or she is to avoid risky sexual situations, insist on protection, and respect his or her partner's feelings and needs as well. The more you talk about sex in a relaxed and natural manner, the more your teen will listen clearly (without apprehension being in the way) and absorb the benefit of your years of experience, enabling him or her to make more mature decisions.
Remember that the aforementioned can only come from you; while schools may teach teens about the mechanics and various risks of sex, they cannot impart personal wisdom or give a teen the kind of emotional support that engenders true confidence.
5. Accept the Fact That Your Ability to Control Your Teen's Decisions is Limited
While you know, as was discussed prior, that giving your teen the freedom to make his or her own mistakes is important, you likely still have a list of things which you would preferably ban him or her from doing. Whether it's riding a motorcycle, trying drugs, having sex prior to the age of 16, or smoking, odds are you have decided certain things are simply pushing it a bit too far—and maybe you're right.
But ask yourself, how do you plan to actually stop your teen from doing these things, if his or her mind is truly set on it? Yell? Your teen is likely deaf to it by now, or able to yell back just as loudly. Ground him? He can surely figure out how to climb out the window while you're not paying attention. Will you take away his allowance? He'll likely get a job.
It's fine to set up a system of consequences—it shows your teen you're serious about certain subjects—but if those consequences fail to prevent the behaviour, don't keep escalating the situation. If you come down hard on a given behaviour yet fail to prevent the teen from engaging in it (which is practically inevitable), all you will have accomplished is that teen respects your authority that much less.
6. Remember That Anger is Not the Answer
To build on the point above, suppose your teen has decided to ignore the consequences you set out and engage in one of the risky behaviors you forbid him or her from engaging in. Let's imagine he or she is now facing dire, real-world consequences as a result of ignoring your rules, such as expulsion from school, an STD, or an addiction.
Would you rather your teen looked to you for help, or not? As you love your teen, of course you would not wish him or her to suffer such terrible things alone. So, how do you ensure your teen comes to you during such trying times?
The answer is at once simple and challenging—you need to habitually curb your anger when he or she does disobey you. If your teen is used to you screaming and calling him or her a disappointment who cannot be trusted every time he or she has stepped out of line, you will be the last person your teen turns to for aid, and in fact, your teen may sooner run away from home than face you when something truly, deeply serious does occur.
As a parent, you have to face the reality that the only thing yelling and screaming does is make you—temporarily—feel a bit better via providing a release for your frustrations. It does nothing constructive or practical, and damages your relationship with your teenager over the long term.
If you want to foster a strong bond with your teen, take the things he or she does seriously, but do so calmly (and firmly as need be). If your teen has gotten into real trouble, he or she is already aware that the decision was a bad one, and frightened about the repercussions.
Remember that while you are still a parent to your teen, not a friend, your role has changed to that of a guide or mentor. You cannot control your teen's actions or keep him or her safe from all harm, but by remaining calm and supportive, you can give your teen a safe and loving resource to turn to when he or she is in need of advice and assistance.
Author: Anna Kaminsky
Article reviewed by Dr. Tali Shenfield on Nov 11, 2015
You may also be interested in these articles:
- “The Talk” – How to Discuss Sex Topics with Your Child
- Teenage Suicide: Warning Signs and Prevention
- Socializing in Cyberspace: How to Balance the Influence of Virtual World on Children and Teens
- A Primer on Child and Adolescent Anxiety
- Seven Surprisingly Effective Rules for Children
- Is Your Child a Gaming Addict?
Image credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/jenandi/3449603252
