Adolescence is a period of intense growth. The parents of young teens often feel like their child has changed overnight, becoming moody, withdrawn, and difficult to reach. Newly altered behaviour and speech patterns can make it seem like your teen is suddenly speaking a foreign language—leading to frequent disagreements and misunderstandings. The first step to interacting with your teen more productively therefore lies in learning how to communicate with her: If you can understand how your teen thinks and meet her on her level, you’ll be able to maintain a close bond with her as she transitions into adulthood.
At base, teens still need many of the same things that younger children do: They require positive affirmation, patient guidance, and the knowledge that you’re always there to talk to. At the same time, however, your adolescent’s brain is making a strong push for freedom. Your child will therefore be eager to voice views and opinions that differ from those of her parents. She’ll also naturally want to spend more time away from home interacting with her peers. As a parent, you’ll need to find a balance between allowing your teen some of the freedom she craves while providing her with the support and boundaries she needs to feel secure.
Part 1: Interaction and Communication
The parenting tips outlined below can help you forge a positive, relaxed relationship with your adolescent:
1. Understand Your Teen’s Need for Space
The first thing you should anticipate as your child enters adolescence is a significant change in the amount of time you and your child spend together. As your teen becomes more focused on peer interactions, she’ll start to spend less time at home. Likewise, when she is home, her academic obligations and the digital side of her social life will take up a great deal of her time. As such, you shouldn’t be surprised if your teen spends a lot of time alone in her room. You should also realize that this isn’t an act of rejection. Your teen still needs you, her brain is just prompting her to develop more diverse priorities. This is a natural part of preparing for adult independence.
Respecting your teen’s privacy is integral to keeping her trust. When she doesn’t feel like interacting, don’t try to force her to do so. You should also never go through your teen’s things or pry into her personal life (unless you feel she’s at risk, e.g., you suspect she’s being bullied). Instead, gently remind her that you’re always there if she needs an accepting listener.
2. Get to Know Your Teen
Though your teen still needs you to fulfill a parental role, you should begin the process of transitioning into an adult relationship during these years. When you do spend time with your teen, try to engage her developing passions and interests. Respect her views and opinions, making it clear that you appreciate who she is and want to relate to her as an individual. You should also remember to let your teen see your fun side: Share your own hobbies and invite your teen to participate in activities that reflect any mutual interests you both have.
3. Praise Your Teen Often (and Avoid Criticizing Her)
Your child will naturally start to look to her peers for validation as she enters adolescence; still, there’s a lot you can do at home to support her self-esteem. Praise your teen when she does something well, just as you’d praise a younger child, and thank her when she helps out around the house. Take the time to compliment her, too, especially when she experiments with new styles or tries new things. Building a strong self-image at home will give your teen the confidence she needs to make good friends and set boundaries against the effects of peer pressure.
In the same vein, it’s essential to avoid being overly critical of your teen. You might not always agree with her, but as long as she’s not hurting herself or anyone else, you should appreciate and respect her opinions, feelings, and choices. Note that this rule even applies to humour: Don’t tease your teen about the way she looks or acts. Adolescents are extremely sensitive by nature, so they’re more apt to take teasing to heart than adults.
4. Practice Active, Empathetic Listening
The vast majority of teenagers report feeling like their parents don’t listen to them or understand them. Over time, this feeling can drive a wedge between you and your teen—one that will discourage her from confiding in you. To prevent this from happening, you should use a communication technique known as active listening: When your teen is talking to you, give her your full, undivided attention. After she expresses something, take a moment to verify how she’s feeling and why in order to make sure that you understood her (and that she knows you understood). If she’s dealing with fear, sadness, or frustration, ask her what she thinks would help her cope with the situation—don’t lecture her or immediately offer unsolicited advice. If she’s not sure what would help her, gently suggest a few possible courses of action and give her time to weigh each one. (Providing freedom of choice will reassure your teen that she’s the one in control of her life.) Let her know that whatever she decides to do, you’ll support her as much as you can.
5. Provide Quiet Time
As your teen matures, she’s going to have to discuss some tough (and potentially awkward) subjects with you. Creating a home environment that’s both relaxed and relatively quiet can help your teen find the right moments to engage you in one-on-one conversation. Try to limit noisy distractions in the home (i.e., don’t leave the radio or TV on constantly). You should also try to work at least one “family night” into your weekly schedule, where academic and social obligations are completely set aside for a few hours.
6. Don’t React to Your Teen
Inevitably, there will be times when your teen rolls her eyes, uses inappropriate language, breaks a rule, or otherwise acts out. Though this behaviour can be upsetting, it’s essential that you stay calm—don’t react to your teen by raising your voice or escalating consequences. Not only does escalating consequences to unrealistic levels make it difficult to provide the clear, consistent discipline teens need, teens sometimes use confrontational behaviour to distract their parents. For example, your teen might try to provoke an argument when she doesn’t want to do her homework in order to take attention away from the task at hand. She knows that by the time you’re done arguing, the issue of homework may be forgotten.
Rather than reacting to your teen, try to find the source of her upset. Sometimes teens have valid reasons to be frustrated (e.g., your teen might resist doing homework because she’s struggling with a certain subject); empathizing with those reasons can defuse your teen’s attitude and open up the lines of communication.
Though using respectful, compassionate communication techniques can go a long way towards building a solid and harmonious parent-child relationship, every adolescent is different. Some kids experience exceptional challenges during their teen years, and these difficulties can be too much for parents to handle on their own. If your child is destructive, either to herself or others, it’s vital that you seek help from a professional as soon as possible. A therapist can help your teen get to the root of her issues while also minimizing damage to your relationship.
Part 2: Developing Strong Values and Good Habits
In part one of this series, we covered how to cultivate open communication and minimize tension when parenting a teen. There is, however, more to raising a young adult than just maintaining a close, healthy relationship (as important as that is). As a parent, you’ll also need to teach your teen a number of lessons and life skills in order to prepare her for independence. Having strong values will help your teen make sound, compassionate choices as she navigates the sometimes murky waters of maturation. Below, we’ll cover some of the strategies parents should use while helping their teen build a foundation of morality and personal responsibility:
1. Focus on Basic Ethics
There will be times when you and your teen don’t see eye to eye—and that’s okay. You might not always agree with your teen’s taste in friends, her chosen career direction, or her political or religious views, but you should allow her the freedom to develop her own distinct path. Instead of trying to alter her evolving perspective on the world, focus on strengthening the same basic values you started teaching her early in childhood: Honesty, respect for others, kindness, generosity, politeness, tolerance, etc. Voice your disapproval if you hear of one of your teen’s friends doing something unequivocally wrong (like stealing, for example) to let your teen know where you stand. Just make sure to criticize the behaviour you don’t like, rather than the person. Inviting your teen to compassionately analyze why others behave destructively can also be helpful: In doing so, she’ll both learn about human behaviour and reaffirm her own values.
2. Be a Good Role Model
Teens spend a lot of time trying to separate their own identity from that of their parents. While this is a normal part of growing up (your child is trying to figure out who she is as an individual), it can cause parents to underestimate the amount of influence they have on their teen. In reality, no matter how peer-oriented adolescents appear, they still rely heavily on their parents to model appropriate social behaviour. In other words, the kinder and more honest you are, the more likely it is that your teen will exhibit those same traits.
You should also be careful to avoid engaging in specific toxic behaviours that teens are prone to, like gossiping, rudeness, or being overly critical (of yourself or others). Finally, make an effort to involve your teen in your hobbies and talk about the characteristics of your best friendships. This will encourage your teen to make time for the things that matter to her and to seek out healthy relationships.
3. Provide Positive, Enriching Media
Though it’s impossible to protect your teen from harmful media messages, you can counteract those messages by giving her empowering alternatives. Encourage your teen to read books or watch movies that you know will reinforce the values that matter most to you. You should also teach your teen to be mindful of the media she consumes: Ask her to reflect on how things make her feel after she watches or reads them. Do they make her feel better about herself, or worse? Do they inspire her or leave her with lingering negative emotions? Building objectivity can help your teen resist harmful influences.
4. Create a Respectful Home Environment
Disrespectful behaviour in teens can be minimized if the teen in question both receives and witnesses respect at home. Make sure everyone in your household—adults and minors alike—understands that name calling, bullying of any kind, and violations of privacy will not be tolerated under any circumstances. Likewise, everyone in your household should apologize when they’ve done something wrong. Upholding these standards will not only help your teen behave better in the short term, it will teach her how adult relationships should function.
5. Encourage Community Involvement
Being involved in the community will help your teen build a strong self-esteem and sense of empathy. Volunteering will make her more resistant to the negative effects of peer pressure, because she’ll already feel valued by people outside her home environment. Volunteering is also a great way for young adults to tap into their passions and clarify their career path.
Teens are more likely to stick with community work if others they care about are involved. If your child’s school has a program that includes volunteering, the participation of her friends will help her stay on track. If your child’s school doesn’t have such a program, however, you may want to consider getting your whole family involved in charitable activities. Even simple acts, like donating food to a food drive together, can bolster your child’s sense of community service.
6. Make Household Chores Part of Your Teen’s Schedule
Work with your teen to agree on a set of household chores to be completed each week in exchange for privileges and a small monetary allowance. This list of chores shouldn’t be complicated or extensive, just a few simple duties that your teen can realistically fit into her busy schedule. (For example, dusting the house or cooking a meal for the family once a week and doing her own laundry.) Completing chores will both help your teen establish a sense of work and reward and remind her that she’s a contributing member of your family.
7. Let Your Teen Learn from Her Mistakes
Most experts recommend letting teens experience the consequences of their actions, whenever that’s possible without putting them at risk. Keep your household rules simple and clear, and prioritize them around matters of health and safety, such as requiring your teen to check in regularly when she’s out with friends. Otherwise, try to give your teen the freedom to manage her own life: Rather than trying to force your teen to do a school assignment or go to bed on time, for example, you should gently remind her of what she ought to be doing and ask her if she fully understands the possible outcome of her choices. If she does—and is still set on her current course of action—don’t nag, lecture, or argue with her. Instead, let her experience receiving a poor grade or waking up tired in the morning. Experience is, in many cases, the best teacher.
Note that part of letting your teen learn from her mistakes lies in resisting the urge to “fill in” for your teen when she neglects a duty. Don’t do her homework for her just to ensure she passes a class or complete her chores when she forgets. Instead, if you think your teen is genuinely struggling in a certain area, approach her and ask her to work on a plan for improvement with you.
8. Review Your Household Rules Regularly
Every six months or so, you should sit down with your teen and ask her which limits she would like to have relaxed, and why. If she has mature, rational reasons for wanting more freedom in a certain area—like having her curfew extended by an hour—you should consider granting her wishes and seeing how she handles the newfound responsibility. Working with your teen collaboratively like this will show her that you respect her input and give her a sense of control over the direction of her own life. Updating your household rules at regular intervals will also ensure that they reflect your teen’s rapid pace of development.
9. Help Your Teen Learn to Manage Money
Research shows that teens who are given a small weekly allowance tend to learn better financial habits—as long as they’re made to budget. Sit down with your child and help her identify her expenses and come up with a plan to afford them, whether that involves doing extra chores, raising her grades in return for an increase in her allowance, or getting a part-time job. Don’t give in when your child asks you for extra money or expensive items; reserve gifts for special occasions.
Equipping your teen with strong values and good habits will give her the tools she needs to successfully manage adult life. It will also help her develop a firm sense of her own identity, imbuing her with confidence and natural leadership qualities. Though there are bound to be some challenges along the way, with the right guidance, your child will emerge from adolescence a resilient, empowered individual.
