As numerous schoolyard rhymes tell us, tattling is an incredibly unpopular phenomenon among children. It’s not exactly a favourite behaviour at home, either: Most parents know all too well the frustration of having a child frequently seek their intervention because a sibling has taken his toy or violated another minor rule. These parents know that their child could probably handle the situation himself, but instead he’s telling on the other child in the hope of getting him or her “in trouble.”
Many parents tirelessly mediate between their children, not realizing that it’s entirely appropriate to also make a rule against tattling. After all, we want our children to let us know if they are genuinely hurt, upset, or in danger, so we hesitate to “shut down” aid-seeking behaviour. However, it’s possible to teach most school-aged children the difference between telling (informing an adult when they witness a serious transgression) and tattling (seeking adult intervention in small matters before trying to handle them independently). You’ll just need to take the right approach, keeping in mind the fact that children have a great deal of difficulty understanding situational nuances and different perspectives.
Step One: Keep It Simple
Rules work especially well with young children because they have not developed the cognitive or emotional maturity needed to self-govern in complex situations. They cannot, for example, easily understand that they should share their toys with their siblings because if they do not, their siblings will feel hurt and excluded. It’s not that they don’t care about how their siblings feel—they do—they just don’t yet have the empathy skills required to grasp these shades of meaning. It’s much easier for them to comprehend “black and white” guidelines, i.e., “We must share our toys because sharing is the rule.”
To effectively create a rule against tattling, you will therefore need to explain the concept in a basic, kid-friendly way. This can be challenging to master as some children genuinely think that tattling is always the right thing to do—they think they’re helping their parents by reporting every minor infraction. Trying to tell these kids that you want some broken rules reported but not others can introduce perplexing, troubling moral gray areas for the child in question. As such, you will need to begin by creating a concrete definition for what is (and isn’t) tattling.
Step Two: Define the Line Between Telling and Tattling
The difference between telling and tattling should be based purely on matters of safety. Is another child acting in a way that might harm either another person, an animal, or someone’s property? If so, then reporting his or her behaviour promptly is never tattling—it’s telling. If, on the other hand, there’s no direct threat to anything or anyone, immediately running to a grown-up to sort the situation out is a form of tattling (albeit sometimes a well-intentioned one).
Note, however, that it’s not tattling if a child seeks adult aid after they have unsuccessfully tried to resolve a situation independently. If they have told another child to cease breaking a rule and that child refuses to comply, then it’s appropriate to involve an adult.
It’s also important to explain to your child why tattling is wrong, especially if he’s been told previously that telling is helpful. Tattling is wrong because it doesn’t give the other child a chance to correct his or her behaviour—behaviour which may not in fact be malicious. The other child may not realize that she’s breaking a rule, for example, or she might not see the transgression as anything serious. If your child tattles on her it can therefore look mean-spirited, like an attempt to get her in trouble when she didn’t know any better.
To put it simply, when we tell, we protect someone or something from harm, and that’s the right thing to do. When we tattle, we deprive someone of the chance to correct his or her actions, and that can be hurtful.
Step Three: Teach Your Child How to Intervene
Kids often lack the tools they need to resolve minor conflicts harmoniously because their communication skills are not well-developed. Fortunately, teaching rudimentary conflict resolution skills is usually fairly straightforward: You just need to give your child the words he’ll need to tackle the problem.
Giving children the tools they need to interact properly is inevitably a process of trial and error—one you will have to guide. As your child reports various minor disagreements to you, rather than stepping in resolve them yourself, give your child suggestions for phrases he can use to sort the situation out himself. If, for instance, another child is rushing him through his turn on a playground ride, tell your child to try saying “It’s my turn” in a calm but firm voice. If the other child listens, the conflict will be resolved and your child will know how to handle that kind of issue in the future without resorting to tattling.
As you help your child learn the difference between tattling and telling, make sure to remind him that if he feels unsafe or gets hurt, it’s time to stop trying to handle the situation independently. While you want your child to start exercising his good judgment, it’s essential that he never loses the sense that you’re there to support and protect him any time he needs you.
Finally, to teach your child the difference between tattling and telling, try to implement a reward system that makes the distinction clear. When your child tells in order to protect himself or someone else, praise him. When he runs to you to resolve a minor dispute before trying to communicate with the other party himself, remind him gently that the other child’s actions aren’t hurting anyone and give him the tools he needs to approach the other child constructively. If you start conditioning your child in this way from a young age, not only will he learn how to separate tattling from telling, he’ll gradually develop more refined, versatile social skills.
