Trust is one of the most fragile facets of any human relationship; it can take years to build and just minutes to break. For parents, losing trust is an especially complicated and painful phenomenon; not only must parents deal with their own feelings of betrayal when a child does something so unthinkable that the foundations of trust are shaken, they must guide their child calmly and rationally away from committing another such act. All the while, parents often feel a great deal of guilt, both from analyzing where they could have gone “wrong” to make their child do such a thing, and for having to question the very nature of who their child is as a person.
Unfortunately, parents are almost certain to find themselves in this situation at some point while raising their children; whether it's that a child has broken a fundamental rule, resorted to an act of deceit, or foolishly put himself or another in danger, some manner of faith-shaking mistake is likely to occur at some point during his/ her development. While there is no way to fully prepare in advance for such events, understanding the feelings you are likely to experience as a parent (and the reactions you are likely to have), can help you to troubleshoot matters and avoid some of the most common traps parents fall into when faced with a loss of trust in their child.
Most parents will immediately attempt to regain control of the situation; they will clamp down on their child, removing privileges (usually by grounding him), and then follow up with plans to limit and even monitor their child's future actions. In doing so, they often forget that their child is probably just as upset as they are—mad at himself for behaving in such a way and feeling a great deal of shame. The child may even feel betrayed, particularly if he is older and considered his transgression a private matter.
Parents need to understand that these situations are an extremely delicate time for everyone involved, and that coming down too harshly may in fact engender repeated episodes of the problem behaviour. Not only do children often live up to their parents' expectations—be they positive or negative—too-strict rules are a sure recipe for anger and rebellion. At the very least, the child will usually withdraw completely, meaning that parents may never come to understand what motivated him or her to act poorly in the first place, and the problems therefore go unresolved.
All of the above can easily lead to destructive cycles of behaviour; imagine, for example, a teenage child who has tried drugs (despite being expressly forbidden to do so) because she was being bullied at school and finally succumbed to peer pressure. Harsh judgement from her parents will inevitably feel like rejection, and she will withdraw from them more, making her peer relationships take on an even greater importance (as they will be her only source of support). She will, of course, keep experimenting with drugs if it helps her to maintain their approval, and further restrictions on her behaviour will only make her parents seem more and more like the “enemy” in the situation.
This is not to suggest, of course, that parents do not have a duty to teach their children cause and effect; on the contrary, parents absolutely must convey that actions have consequences. The ways in which they do so, however, must be tailored to judge the behaviour and not the child, and to give him the benefit of the doubt so that he has reasonable chance to rectify the situation and prove himself trustworthy once again.
If your child has seriously breached your trust, once you have defused any immediate danger the situation presents, try the following techniques:
- Show your child that while you are not happy with what he has done, you still believe he is a trustworthy human being. Tell him that you believe he is capable of making better decisions—not just for you, but for himself, too.
- Explain that making mistakes is an inherent part of learning. Shame and self-blame often prompt young people (and adults, for that matter) to repeat their mistakes, as when we see ourselves a certain way, we tend to live up to it by acting in a manner which validates our perceptions. Fortunately, parents can use this tendency productively by instilling feelings of self-forgiveness and acceptance in their children, so that blame is mitigated to some extent and children instead try to live up to this more healthy image of themselves.
Try asking your child what he has learned through making his mistake—involving him in the process will help him to truly understand his own progress (and see for himself how mistakes facilitate learning).
- Lead by example. Point out to your child when you make mistakes or do things that might harm someone else's trust, and show your child how you handle making such mistakes, explaining the ways in which you resolve to change. As children learn primarily through observing their parents, modelling healthy behaviour in this manner will help them to innately know how to handle making their own errors. They will also understand that such mistakes are forgivable, that life can and does go on after we make them, so long as we try to correct our paths.
Remember that it is essential to never expect perfection—from your children and from yourself.
- Understand that your child's identity is still forming. It's natural to worry about your child's character when she suddenly does something that is morally wrong, but if the behaviour is not an oft-repeated pattern, it's likely just part of her natural need to learn through experimentation. Children “try on” different ways of acting and being, different roles, in order to understand which ones suit them, and their environment, the best. As such, if your child learns that morally wrong behaviour is unpleasant, she is probably not likely to repeat it—meaning that it will have no lasting negative effect on her character.
- Give your child realistic expectations. While it's important to work to ensure that your child is not damaged in a long-term way by his or her mistake, as a parent, you should remain authentic and express your needs and feelings as well. Tell your child that it will take time to rebuild the faith and trust that has been lost, while explaining to him that there are actions he can take to help speed the process.
- Leave the channels for communication open. Above all else, you want to be sure that your child feels he can still come to you and talk to you, even if he does make the same mistake again. Emphasize that it is being honest about his actions—rather than trying to hide them or “get away” with them—that matters foremost. This will help you to chart how your child is learning and progressing without actually monitoring his actions (and therefore breaching his trust).
- Recognize how hard it is for your child to change. It's vital to seem like an ally to your child, not an enemy; as such, you should let her know that you see her efforts to change, understand how difficult it is to change, and that you are there to help should she need it.
If you try all of the above and your child is still breaching your trust and attempting to hide it, rather than reacting harshly, get your child professional help from a licensed therapist as there are evidently deeper issues present which require attention. A therapist will be able to help your child reach the root causes of his or her actions and create lasting change, taking the burden off both the child and his or her family.
