We all want our children to treat others with kindness, empathy, and compassion. Many of the rules and boundaries we set are designed to teach our kids what is (and isn’t) socially appropriate, and we constantly strive to inform our children about the ways their actions can affect others. However, the manner in which we discipline our children has more of an impact on their behaviour than perhaps any other factor. In addition to keeping consistent, logical rules, parents need to administer discipline in a way that’s caring and respectful. Not only will approaching your child this way encourage cooperation, it will effectively teach by example: Kids learn how to behave primarily by watching how their parents handle social interaction and solve interpersonal problems. If you want your child to treat others well, you’ll therefore need to consistently demonstrate the traits you want him to have, such as gentleness and self-discipline.
Though it can be hard to maintain the above qualities when your child tests your patience, doing so will improve your relationship, nurture his self-esteem, and make him more receptive to feedback. When you correct your child, try to use the productive, balanced parenting techniques outlined below:
1. Never use guilt as a disciplinary tactic - choose empathy instead.
Telling your child that you’re deeply disappointed in him when he behaves badly may seem gentler and more honest than becoming angry, but it does similar long-term harm. No child wants to let his parents down, so when we shame our kids, they feel intensely bad about themselves. In most cases, they become so preoccupied with their negative feelings that they don’t internalize the lessons we want them to learn. This can create a very damaging cycle where the child repeats the same mistake, his parents become more frustrated and disappointed, and in the end, he starts to believe he’s inherently “bad.” This self-defeating attitude then leads to more overtly reactive (and often hostile) behaviour. Shaming kids also encourages them to behave judgmentally towards others, which impairs the development of empathy.
Instead of shaming your child, try to uncover the feelings that caused him to act out in the first place: Is he upset, tired, or anxious? Did you speak to him in a way that might have hurt his feelings? Children naturally have poor impulse control, so what looks like aggressive behaviour is often just a spontaneous reaction to their own negative emotions.
By inquiring about how your child feels, you’ll accomplish several objectives simultaneously: You’ll help him become more self-aware, and you’ll demonstrate the importance of considering others’ needs and feelings, even when they do something we don’t agree with. You’ll also reassure your child that you care about him, and that doesn’t stop when he makes mistakes. This is vital, because kids are especially sensitive to rejection when they know they’ve lost control and done something wrong. Though our kids need us to create and maintain clear limits and boundaries, they equally need us to enforce them from a place of compassion and acceptance.
2. Teach critical thinking skills.
As a parent, it’s your job to help your child slow down and think distressing situations through. When your child responds to something inappropriately, encourage him to think about how to solve the problem, rather than dwelling on the severity of his infraction. Define the specific behaviour he needs to address (while avoiding the use of personally critical language), ask him to analyze why he behaved that way, then prompt him to look for better alternatives. For example, if your child has hit his sibling, rather than calling him “bad” or “mean,” say, “I know you love your sister and didn’t mean to hurt her. I’d like you to take a time out in your room, so you can think about why you got so upset. When you’ve calmed down, we’ll find a better way to handle being upset, and you can apologize.”
Reminding your child that you believe he’s inherently good and keeping your demeanour calm will stop his (and your) negative emotions from escalating. This will keep the focus on the problem, because your child won’t become so mired in feelings of rejection or self-doubt that he ceases to think about how his actions have affected other people. He’ll also understand that you’re there to help him learn; you aren’t just reprimanding him out of frustration. From there, you and your child can work together to develop healthier tools he can use to manage upsetting situations in the future.
3. Never lecture or threaten your child.
Though methods of negative reinforcement (e.g., nagging or threatening severe punishment) may work in the short-term, they typically lose their effectiveness over time. Negative reinforcement creates resentment in children, which gradually evolves into resistance. That resistance puts distance between you and your child, thereby impairing his desire and ability to consider your needs and feelings. As a result, your child will lose the intrinsic motivation to behave well. Instead, he may look for creative ways to avoid consequences, such as by employing deception or manipulation to escape them.
Ultimately, children are far more likely to modify their behaviour when they’re given positive reinforcement. People of all ages need to believe their contributions are valued, that they’re respected as individuals, and that cooperating with those around them will feel rewarding. By correcting your child with gentleness and sensitivity, you’ll help him realize that functioning within a harmonious team is not only possible, it’s one of life’s greatest pleasures.
