For years, low self-esteem was used as something of a catch-all scapegoat. If a child was bullying others, failing at school, or getting into trouble, his (or her) self-esteem was the first place parents and teachers looked when trying to solve the issue. Recently, however, research has corrected some of our prior assumptions about self-esteem: In actuality, low self-esteem is less of a problem than previously thought. Furthermore, we now know that having an unusually high self-esteem can be equally problematic. Bullies, for instance, often have an inflated sense of self-esteem.
Blaming low self-esteem for the problems some young people face during childhood and adolescence likely became popular due to parental guilt. No parent is perfect, after all; everyone slips up from time to time and blames or criticizes their child. It’s therefore tempting to review each of these normal human errors in judgment when a child is struggling and think, “My child’s issues are my fault.” Parents who succumb to this line of thinking forget that never reprimanding a child can have similarly detrimental effects. Children who are not regularly held accountable have a poor sense of boundaries and therefore doubt themselves and fail to recognize their own limits. They are just as prone to risk-taking behaviour and poor academic performance as children with low self-esteem.
This is not to suggest, of course, that having a healthy self-esteem isn’t important. People with a healthy self-esteem do indeed report being happier overall. Additionally, having a positive outlook often helps people develop a more robust social network and identify new opportunities. Beyond this, however, the picture becomes much more complex.
Fluid Vs. Rigid Self-Image
What level of self-esteem a child has may, recent research suggests, be less important than how malleable his or her sense of self is.
When we think about who we are, we tend to fall back on established ideas. This is especially true of children owing to their propensity for “all or nothing” thinking. Kids are apt to take remarks they’ve heard about themselves (e.g., that they are shy, good at sports, bad at math, etc.) and not only believe them, but believe them rigidly. If they have been told they are shy, for instance, they will think they must be shy all the time. If they feel like they are bad at math, they will assume they can never get significantly better at it.
It’s easy to see how, under the above model, negative labels can become extremely limiting to a child’s potential. What’s less obvious is the fact that positive assumptions can be damaging, too. For example, when a child who defines himself as being “great at sports” misses a goal and costs his team the game, it does more than just upset him. It can fundamentally harm his sense of self and deplete his motivation. Ergo, adopting a “fixed” mindset in any direction is inevitably a hindrance.
Some children gradually grow out of this fixed mindset as they get older, but others never do. Adaptability is probably at the root of this difference: If a child is naturally somewhat intolerant of change, he is much more likely to rely on the “fixed” model of self-perception. These cautious individuals tend to dedicate a lot of time to preserving their existing self-image, rather than growing and developing.
People with a fluid mindset, on the other hand, have a more flexible idea of who they are. They see setbacks as surmountable challenges, not as events that define them. Whether they’re inherently confident or not, this mindset enables them to achieve: They’ll try new things just to see how well they do at them or how much they enjoy them, for instance. They’ll test the limits of their own capabilities by taking on challenges because failure will not destroy their sense of self; instead, they will just endure temporary upset.
Letting Go of the “Self”
According to the Buddhist philosophy that underlies the many promising mindfulness therapies in use today, focusing on one’s self-image is counterproductive. After all, our traits are generally nebulous. They may be true in some situations but not in others, and they often change over time. Buddhist thought therefore states that true self-realization necessitates a commitment to relinquishing the concept of “self.” Instead, we ought to allow ourselves to become absorbed by the act of living life. Rather than worrying about how we perceive ourselves or how others perceive us, we should become fully attuned to our surroundings (and by extension, the universe as a whole).
While children cannot usually grasp the kind of complex concepts described above, we can still guide them away from becoming excessively self-focused. Teach your child that he should pay attention foremost to his actions in the present moment. He should notice how they make him feel and how they make others feel. Likewise, you should encourage him to follow his passions: When children (or adults) are wholly intent on an activity that requires deep concentration, they naturally cease to think about themselves. They put their “self” second to what they are doing and enter a harmonious state that psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls “flow.”
As your child learns to embrace this state of flow, he’ll see that it enhances his performance and increases his overall sense of well-being. This will indirectly (but effectively) address the issue of self-esteem while at the same time priming him to relinquish his preoccupation with the “self.” The end result of this process will be a happier, more empathetic, and calmer adult.
