In some settings, compromise can strengthen the bond you have with your child, without sabotaging your authority. Collaboratively finding solutions during disagreements, allowing your child to discuss household rules with you, and letting an adolescent progressively earn more freedom are all examples of healthy, productive compromise. Using negotiation tactics to get your child to do what you want, on the other hand, can disrupt the delicate balance of power in your relationship and incite manipulative behaviour.
Understanding the Risks of Deal-Making
When making a compromise, both parties involved sacrifice some of their demands to meet halfway on an important issue. During negotiation, on the other hand, an incentive is used to manipulate one party into agreeing to a favourable outcome. In a parent-child dynamic, this usually takes the form of a parent making “deals” with his or her children. If, for example, you find yourself saying things like, “If you finish cleaning your room, I’ll let you stay up half an hour later tonight,” you’re negotiating with your child.
Negotiation is usually very effective in the short term. Most children jump at the chance to enjoy coveted privileges in return for doing something they should have been doing anyway. Making deals with your child may initially save you time and defuse arguments, but you shouldn’t confuse negotiating with a true win-win solution. Over time, maintaining a bargaining system becomes a slippery slope that gradually erodes parental authority. Once you start making concessions to your child, she (or he) quickly learns that resistance earns progressively greater rewards. Eventually, your child will turn the tables and try to manipulate your behaviour to generate favourable outcomes for herself.
Sometimes, socially-savvy children actually begin the negotiation process themselves, without encouragement from either parent. Remain vigilant for statements that imply, “I’ll do what you ask, if you give me…” Counter these requests by calmly reminding your child that she’ll do what you ask because it’s necessary, then explain why it’s necessary.
5 Ways to Provide Positive Reinforcement Without Negotiating
Positive reinforcement, like praise and rewards, can motivate better conduct - but only if it’s used judiciously. The five alternatives to negotiating outlined below can help you get the best out of your child, without inviting manipulative behaviour:
1. Recognize good behaviour whenever it occurs.
Parental recognition and praise are powerful incentives in their own right, because all kids want their parents to be proud of them. When you catch your child doing the right thing (either without being asked or after a bit of gentle prompting), smile warmly and let her know how appreciative you are. Mention the specific thing she did well (like pick up all her toys), how it helps you, and why you’re grateful.
2. Reward your child, but don’t bribe her.
Providing occasional material rewards, like a toy or healthy treat, can emphasize how much you value exceptional behaviour. When you do this, however, you’ll want to wait until after your child has already performed the behaviour you want. For instance, it’s okay to ask your child to be on her best behaviour during a long car trip, then give her a treat after she follows through. Don’t offer to buy her something she wants in exchange for good behaviour before the trip actually starts.
3. Use authoritative body language when necessary.
When your child is trying to bargain with you and you want to end the discussion, rather than making a deal, use strong body language to get your point across. Stay calm and focused, keep your head and body still, and deliver your message in a clear, flat voice devoid of emotional intonation. These cues let your child know that you’re done talking, without making you look angry. (Avoiding obvious displays of emotion is important, because you don’t want your child to think she’s getting a rise out of you.)
4. Don’t argue; implement consequences instead.
When your child doesn’t respond to your requests, it’s better to employ consequences than keep arguing in the hope she’ll change her mind. Keep consequences fair and let your child know what they are ahead of time, but don’t be afraid to use them when necessary. If your child won’t go to bed on time, for example, you might remove her screen privileges for a few days so she has less reason to stay up.
5. Try shifting the focus away from your child’s demands.
If your child is under age five, the best way to resolve a battle of wills is sometimes to simply carry on with your routine, without waiting for your child to comply. If your child won’t finish eating her vegetables, you might start having dessert without her; if she won’t get ready for bed, you could try going to her room and reading her bedtime story, whether she’s present or not. Most small children hate to feel left out of anything, so doing what you want to do (rather than trying to tell your child what to do) can give your child a natural incentive to behave better.
Whenever possible, use one of the five parenting methods above in place of making deals with your child. Save negotiation for true emergencies, i.e., situations where you need to get your child to listen to you quickly for the sake of her health or well-being. Deals, bribery, and similar tactics should only ever be a last resort, not a go-to solution for behavioural issues.
